self-respect, self-compassion, and patience...

[thepixies21]

These are the 3 things that I've been lacking my whole life, and for the last week or so it has been my mantra. I feel like these concepts just don't come naturally to me, so I have to actively remind myself and ask every day "are you treating yourself with respect and compassion?" "are you being patient with your life the way it is?". And the answer is almost always no...but I'm trying harder.

Things with my BPDh have been calmer the last few weeks, but I do notice that my own fears, anxieties, and frustrations have been so much louder as a result. I'm actually feeling way more aware of my own unhappiness, and it isn't easy to sit with. I think the codependent part of me is trying to take over, while the focus is normally on my husband I'm finding it hyperfocusing on other people now. My dad is really sick and I'm really worried about him, and I find that I'm having a very hard time not trying to micromanage the situation because I know he isn't going to take care of himself like he should. But that isn't going to change, and I know this logically. So while I know my husband needs to work on his own stuff, it's pretty hard to ignore that there is this urge in me to try to fix things for others in order to soothe myself. And I need to find a better way to deal with my stuff. I have no idea if this relationship is going to last, but I am at least happy for the opportunity to think a little more clearly about things, even if it has been very painful lately. It's just hard in times like this, when everything seems hard, my family is a mess (always), my husband is struggling (always), and my job is stressful, to make the healthy choices. But I am really trying. I'm in therapy, I went to a doctor's appointment, and I"m trying to keep up with exercising.

I think a couple of things I haven't done as good of a job lately with is working on codependency, and doing things for myself, but I have been trying to take it back over the last weekend. I set better boundaries with my BPDh, and it didn't go terrible. I did tell him that I'm going to do some things for myself, and he did tell me that he was unhappy that it's time I won't spend with him, but it didn't turn into a fight, he was more understanding, and the conversation remained calm. So that's a good step. It's just so hard to keep the boundaries when I'm running on empty...but I know it's not going to help, and is in fact going to make me feel worse if I don't. This is not easy.

One thing that does make me feel really sad, is thinking about how some people do have partners that are totally understanding when you need to take care of yourself, who still give you compliments on things you do, who still laugh at your jokes, who still think they are interesting, at least sometimes. I need something to feel lighter sometimes, and there is just nothing light in this relationship. I just feel...heavy when we're around each other.

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[Chief Drizzt]

One thing that does make me feel really sad, is thinking about how some people do have partners that are totally understanding when you need to take care of yourself, who still give you compliments on things you do, who still laugh at your jokes, who still think they are interesting, at least sometimes. I need something to feel lighter sometimes, and there is just nothing light in this relationship. I just feel...heavy when we're around each other.

I can really relate to you.  I feel the same way regarding my PBDw. One thing that I do is find an escape to just take me away from the drama and depression (my own that is) such as reading or watching sports.  Doesn’t solve the problems but they help sometimes.

[thankful person]

I was going to quote the exact same paragraph chief Drizzt quoted. I feel so much like this, I just yearn to be taken care of, just for a moment, to feel liked and that I’m good enough and that someone is proud of me, that I can feel safe to share my thoughts and hopes and dreams, to be held and cherished which I am very much denied… I had a long term relationship which was much more like that… and I left him for dbpdw. My ex was very controlling. But I look back now and think, all I had to do was stand up for myself which I’ve proved I can do with my wife. I know there’s no point in dwelling on the past and my wife and I have 3 amazing children I’m so happy and blessed to have them. I just wish things weren’t so hard. I’ve also been working on looking after myself better, even trying to stop the negative self talk and telling myself I’m doing my best and I’m doing well. I needed to become stronger for the sake of my children and I remind myself how far I’ve come on this journey.

[Cat Familiar]

One thing that does make me feel really sad, is thinking about how some people do have partners that are totally understanding when you need to take care of yourself, who still give you compliments on things you do, who still laugh at your jokes, who still think they are interesting, at least sometimes. I need something to feel lighter sometimes, and there is just nothing light in this relationship. I just feel...heavy when we're around each other.

I’m echoing the others in this paragraph really stood out for me. I’m in a different, but similar situation, in that my husband had a stroke a few months ago and now I’m the caregiver, but we do have people we’ve hired who come five days a week to assist him.

What I’ve come to realize is that I’ve seemingly become more invested in his recovery than he is. I assist him with his exercises at night, in addition to doing EVERYTHING else. He has little motivation to initiate the exercise his physical therapists have prescribed, unless he has *help*, and he really could do most of them without assistance.

Yesterday I spent all day driving him to different medical appointments and when we couldn’t find the location of a new provider, I asked him to use his phone and call the office while I drove. At first he refused, saying how difficult it was to do with only one functional hand, yet he spends hours on his devices daily, so obviously he is fully capable of operating them when he wants to.

I got upset after driving around in circles and said, “It would be nice if you could at least do more than 5% of things that are solely for your benefit.” Of course he got angry and accused me of cruelty for saying such a thing, but he couldn’t refute that statement’s veracity.

I’m telling you this story because I’ve been in your shoes too. My self respect, compassion for myself, and patience with myself used to be completely derailed when the pwBPD in my life would accuse me of being unkind, selfish, thoughtless, uncompassionate, uncaring, etc. Then, I’d apologize and try to curry favor by demeaning myself.

This time I thought about what I’d said and decided that was an accurate statement and shrugged my shoulders and said no more. When I didn’t respond to his objection, the moment passed and he actually did call the office and asked for directions, and that was the end of it.

If you don’t respect yourself, your partner is not going to respect you either. I’ve learned not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) when I see his temper rising. I just shut up and don’t participate and typically he will get back to stasis soon.

There’s a song that often plays in my head when he’s being difficult: My Give a Damn’s Busted   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o40fwZgSFPI

It would be nice if we had partners who are emotionally healthy and who could be more aware of their behavior and how it impacts us, but that’s not what we are dealing with here. So I’ve found that being protective and supportive of myself is the only alternative.

[thepixies21]

What I’ve come to realize is that I’ve seemingly become more invested in his recovery than he is.

My self respect, compassion for myself, and patience with myself used to be completely derailed when the pwBPD in my life would accuse me of being unkind, selfish, thoughtless, uncompassionate, uncaring, etc. Then, I’d apologize and try to curry favor by demeaning myself.

Haha, I'm going to have to check out that song. A lot of what you said above resonates with me pretty hard! I do feel that most times I am waaay more invested in his recovery than he is. Since we had a big blowout in December he has been taking some more accountability, but it is still with this attitude of "I'm doing this because you're making me", instead of wanting to better himself and learn to self-regulate for his own personal reasons. I am very easily derailed by his anger and shame spirals, it takes a lot of self-control to right the ship for myself when that starts. I think you are totally right, when I give in it feels so demeaning, I hate that feeling.

It would be nice to have a partner that is mentally healthier, but you're right, there is no point in wishing things are different, they're not. At the very least I am thankful that he is making small progress, and I am thankful to have a place to spew all my anxiety and stress. So thank you for responding. :-)