I am at a total loss

[AjsanygnaT]

Afternoon everyone,

I am new here and not sure what I hope to gain, other than perhaps the comfort of talking to other who are experiencing similar times.

I am 46 and my DD is 27 (today actually) She is diagnosed with Petulant BPD, CTPSD and occasionally others depending on who she is speaking to.

We have had an on and off relationship most of her adult life with several long breaks after daft fall outs that went the way of most when she splits on me. This most recent good patch lasted just over 2 years and was amazing. We spent most of our time together, I employed her for some time in my business as she is very talented and loved being involved.  She has 3 children aged 6,3 and 1 and they are my world.

The family live just 800 yards from my home and my youngest children aged 10 and 7 are in the same school as my eldest grandson.

Anyway, this most rent split has been just over a year now and its worse than ever.  she allowed us supervised (by her husband) visits once a month with the grandkids at first but these were "paused" when I declined visiting her home to "have a face to face" as I simply was not in a place to.  The reason given was that they (DD and her SO) did not think I was comprimising enough by offering mediation instead of a face to face and that (and i quote) "I needed to undertands the only people who count are the grandkids)
This was early on and I knew us being in the same room was not a good idea, especially with all 5 kids present as they'd need to have been. My husband and I offered to do it over zoom and also offered mediation but this was declined. (I know her well enough to know this was just a power move to force me into a situation where I was not comfortable and she had control) At this point I was taking my kids to and from school via the main entrance so as to avoid her, I was not handling thr anxiety she causes me well at all.

Fast forward 7 months and we have still not seen the kids.  I have continued my counselling and am now confident to be in her presence. She has given me written permission to speak to the kids in public but often when I try to she simply pulls them away :-( When they arent being restrained they run for me screaming "nanny" and dont let go.  It breaks my heart.

I have again asked to speak over zoom or via the mediation company we enlisted but she refused. instead she reported me for harassment which resulted in a lovely chat with a police officer who told me there was no case to bring and advised hed recommend she attend mediation.

Its the same old thing really, now im not scared to be near her, she makes out she is scared to be near me and that keeping us from the kids is best for them?

My 7 year old DD misses her sister and nefews so much, they wont see her or my 10 year old DS (who is less bothered) becuse they refuse to communicate.  My 7 year old writes her letters and sends cards and i make sure i facilitate that, its what I should do after all. 

We have applied to the court for access and are just waiting for the first court hearing.  I cant let them grow up thinking we dont love them or care about them.

Sorry what a ramble, i just dont get it.  Hate me, im used to it but I thought she was a good mother and now she is using her own kids as a weapon to cause me hurt but shes hurting so many kids in the process. MY 7 year old breaks her heart daily when we shes her on the school run and shouts hello with no reply, or when my eldest grandson gives her pictures he has drawn at school when he sees her in the playground to give me to me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Welcome AjsanygnaT
Thank you for posting. Every person who is willing to tell us about their pain and anguish in relating to their BPD loved child is helping us all understand our own situation and letting us know that we are not alone on this journey.

You understand your dd very well - the power plays etc. As I read your post I can also relate to many of the things you say. For example, the grandchildren running for you - and how BPD people react to something like that.

Underneath the control and power plays is the almost terrifying fear of abandonment - and any small thing such as a child showing love to a grandparent becomes a threat.

There is such a spectrum of BPD too. Some sufferers are very adept at using excuses to control so they don't have to experience that threat.

Your situation is also more complex given the sibling relationships. I wonder if there was a trigger to end the good time you had for those couple of years? Did covid have anything to do with it?

I know the legal path seems the obvious way to go, but I wonder what the long-term outcomes might be? If you win the right to see the children is this likely to increase dd's negative attitude to you?

The longer I relate to bpd child the more I find that the only way to be engaged with her is to be 'disengaged'. I know that sounds silly but since I started to 'greystone rock' things are so much better.

In a normal situation we try to discuss things, look at options, try something and review if it works - but none of this works with my dd. I am especially wary when she is being chatty etc because I know if I say the 'wrong' thing everything could change.

I suppose there are two issues for you: how you establish contact and how you maintain it if you are able to do so.

So far it seems everyone is bending over backwards to be kind to dd, keep in touch with the cards etc. All of this might be just feeding the control.

I know it would be hard for your little ones, but would it be an option to say something like 'we can see that things are not working at the moment and respect the fact that you might want space for yourself and your family. Perhaps we could catch up in a park sometime. Let's know if and when you would like to do something like this with the children.'

I know this is probably way off what you would say, but I am just trying to find a way you can step back, and put the onus on her?

Just a thought . . . .