is this normal behaviour please?

[Gemini1967]

HI,

I've found this site after months of wandering in the wilderness trying to find answers to what has happened here. At times, my mental health has been on the floor through this...

I have been broken up with my ex GF since beginning of December. We were together just over 6 years. In that time i invested alot of time in her 3 children . Her youngest daughter was 1 yr old when we met so i was kind of like a step dad, and whom i was very fond of and vice versa.

My ex came from a very abusive marriage and divorced her husband. She then met me. The first four years or so was a challenging time as both our former partners (her husband and my ex wife) were very difficult and placed enormous pressure on our relationship. But we held together and looked after each other and we were starting to see the wood for the trees in the last year or so.

I thought we were going to be together for good because we had same interests and same type of work. We never argued or shouted at each other. and life was getting easier for both of us with more free time and children on both sides growing up.

However, i was blindsided at the beginning of December (just as my father went into end of life care). She dumped me by text stating we had no future and that she just wanted to get on with her life and me mine. That she had waited 6 years for me - that i would never change .. that there was so much missing from the relationship 

This message came after a couple of weeks and little communication between us, following her trying to sabotage the relationship for something that she was unhappy with (that i had said) a couple of weeks previously. It was then then i got dumped and blocked on whatsapp immediately.

I appealed and pleaded to have a face to face but was met with brutal put downs and she even threatened to call the police if i was to attempt further contact through email or at the doorstep. She told me stay away from her and her family.

I appealed to her sister who further stated to just leave it and let her be to live her life and concentrate on her family and that 'rejection' was a tough thing but i neded to now move on. That was the first week of December.

Because i was looking after my dying father (whom she was very close to and my mother too) i just left it for that week.

The second week, one evening, she turned up all dressed up at my mum and dads house. I let her in as i had been looking after my dad all day. I thought she had finally come round to talk to me. I said do you fancy going for something to eat and she agreed. In the car, she broke down and told me that infact she had met a guy on a dating app two weeks previously. She had gone round to his house that evening (the 4th or 5th date apparently), and he was on the sofa completely drunk.

He at some point tried to kiss her and hold her down on the sofa . She distanced herself from him, and shocked by his behaviour, left quickly, and drove straight round to my parents house where she felt 'safe'.

During the course of the rest of the evening she told me more about this guy, that he seemed so kind and gentle and had swept her off her feet in first week or two. But she said, that he had said that he had developed strong feelings for her already, that he did'nt want her to hurt him, and that he if she was with him she would never have to work night duty on overtime again (she is a nurse). To me, they are all major red flags...

She also said that she thought he was going to be her white knight, and that why is it that all her friends can seem to meet the perfect partner on line but she could'nt .

Obviously, i was completely poleaxed by all this and could'nt render much response that evening as i tried to process what was happening . I dropped her back to her car. The next day i resumed contact to see if she was ok. It was very clear very early on, that he had recovered the situation and she resumed contact / relationship with him. Her response to me that next day was simply ' i'm sorry to burden you with that last night'

Long story short, i was shut out again from that day onward and it was all over his facebook about 2/3  weeks later (photo of him and her wrapped around each other at a place which was our favourite special spot - so she had taken him there and obviously agreed for the photo to go on his public FB page - sending him heart emoji's in response).

I was numbed by this and this level of cruelty  - but i tried to maintain my dignity as i was looking after my dad. In truth i was in a terrible state and could not fathom what she was capable of doing. Had she been seeing this guy for months previously ? I had no idea. I think not, because that evening she also told me that the week before meeting this guy on line, her friends had set her up on a blind date, but although she went on the date, she was'nt interested in him . So clearly, she was actively seeking a replacement without telling me . The guy on line was just the next guy...

My father died middle of January. My mother was in hospital at the time (where my ex worked as a nurse) because mum had spiralled following my fathers demise into end of life. The day my father died was the last time i saw my ex because she actually came into the hospital room when i was telling my mum that dad had died to offer sympathy etc.

Over the course of the next couple of days she emailed me a couple of times expressing how sorry she was about my dad that she loved him and my mum dearly and felt so sorry for my poor mum.

I responded by again reaching out and saying look would you come for a walk with me where we can talk about dad and us etc. This was all shut down again extremely brutally with responses like ' stop torturing yourself' and that 'we will never be in a relationship again' and 'you need to know that i'm with someone now and i am very happy'...

Again, i felt truly awful and sent one or two last emails to her saying how much i loved her , how much i had changed / would change (? i was just saying this because i was desperate to hold onto her as she projected the whole relationship failure on me - which i owned and apologised for etc)

I was due to go on holiday (Spain) with her in early February with her kids. She took him instead and posted pictures of him and her on valentines day night on her whatsapp / FB etc   . She had only known him a few weeks.

Again i was blown away by this . My mental health by this point was slipping badly and i sought therapy and medication - which i remain on.

i am in no contact and i have tried to just walk away from her but the bond is so deep the sense of betrayal so devastating that i am still find it so hard.

She has at times i think , tried to mess with my head by unblocking me on whatsapp ( i requested after her holiday, that she just block me so i didnt see anymore pictures and i stopped looking at FB at that point too)

For some odd reason, although i tried several times, i couldnt seem to delete her number from my phone it just kept reappearing. So the temptation to check her profile on whatsapp was too much.  I would look and see yet another couple photo - these changed every week  - different photos

By March, i couldnt take it anymore and phoned her up directly and said that i couldnt delete her number from my contacts and that please could she just block me so i didnt see anything. This she did (with reluctance), but we had a brief conversation about the break up where in i told her i was still utterly bewildered by her behaviour  - that she went back to this guy.

Her response was that it was ' impulse and distraction' and that ' you only live once' and 'he treats me special' and that ' there was so much missing from our relationship'

Since then i have been in further no contact . My mother died two weeks ago (couldnt live without my dad) so i've lost both parents in space of few months, my ex, her children , her family etc . just extremely all too traumatic to be honest and i am off work on compassionate to deal with all this and sort my mothers funeral

My ex once again, a week after my mum died, unblocked me again on whatsapp, showing photos of just herself in various poses  - twice in one day , and then later at some point blocked me again. Was that for me? was that some kind of smoke signal or just looking to see if i would respond . I have no idea but each time it kills me. I didnt respond this time.

She last week, emailed me after finding out about my mum and said ' i know you dont want to probably hear from me' and ' i don't expect a response' but offered her condolences and ' could'nt imagine what i must be going through having lost both'

This floored me for a few days as to whether to respond (the grown up thing to do and just say thankyou?) or to ignore. I got in a right mess,  but eventually responded with a short / kind thankyou email. She never responded back

I am so sorry for such a long first post, but its been 6 months and i remain truly smashed by her behaviour.

I have looked back on our relationship over those 6 years. She would regularly dump me for whatever reason and i would always be the one to reach out and fix it and we would resume again till the next time.  It was always her projecting the issues on me every time , my failings, my not listening, my not being what it was she wanted. I tried and tried and bent and flexed everytime to show her that i could change that this would work.

I also now see that often these regular discards and recycles often occurred when we were due to go out for the day, go away for a few days. some spend time together. Often was the case, that she would sabotage us and i would end up having to cancel the plans, the bookings etc ...  Little or no apology from her each time . Even if i lost deposit money etc

Last year these became worse, her impulsiveness, her irrationality, her destructiveness , i felt that she was having some kind of mental episode or pre menstrual thing (she was 46). I just couldnt get to her . Like she was locked on this destructive path

And then , bam the huge final bomb in December which nuked us completely in such a brutal and cruel way . I still am in significant trauma from this. No closure, no face to face, no apology, nothing , no ownership, no responsibility . I am the one that caused this ( is what i have been left with, i am to blame)

can someone help me please . Is this normal break up behaviour . Am i making too much of this and this is what break ups look like? is this behaviour abnormal ? Is she potentially suffering from BPD? . I'm trying just to find an answer to make sense of it in my head because there are days when i am still so broken by her .

I am doing everything i can to move on, gym, therapy, my hobbies, my friends , even joined a dating app to try and meet new people . But i am truly still haunted by her, her behaviour and how this has actually happened at a time when i lost my parents and i thought she would be there for me and she was not. She did not come when i asked for help. She was infatuated with another, a stranger from a dating app - whom she is still with .

Thankyou



 

[csquare319]

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I was in your shoes two years ago, so I, as most people on this site, know the exact pain you are feeling right now.

I am no clinician, but from your description of her behavior, her unwillingness to take any personal responsibility, lack of empathy, seeking the thrills of new relationships ... they are all strong BPD traits.

After going through months of misery and now trying to piece myself together on the other side, one tip I can give you is to stay NO CONTACT. Block her on every channel possible, don't give her any chance to reach you, nor give yourself any excuse to allow her to. Move to a different city if necessary. The first six months will be brutal, but I promise it'll gradually get better, until one day when your only thoughts of her become: She did me a huge favor by breaking up with me, I dodged a bullet.

Also keep posting here, I found that writing out and sharing my griefs with those who can relate really helped. Best of luck.

[babyducks]

Hello Gemini1967,

welcome to the bpdfamily website.    like csquare said, we have all been where you are now, entangled in highly intense romantic relationships that made little or no sense and hurting terribly because of it.

I am so very sorry to read of your parents.    my heartfelt condolences.    that sounds like it was a very difficult experience,  looking after your parents as the relationship ended catastrophically.

you asked if "this was normal break up behavior".      For a person with BPD (pwBPD)   yes, this is normal break up behavior.     and its horribly painful for us.

pwBPD live with painfully intense emotions that change very rapidly.   they can switch from 'you are the love of my life' to 'this isn't working I don't care for you' within minutes.   

BPD is a serious mental illness.    it's not confused thinking or lack of insight.    the way a pwBPD processes life is much different than you and I might.   unfortunately we can't logically explain our feelings and thoughts because BPD is a pattern of thinking/acting that doesn't respond well to logic.

the simplest way I can probably say it is that a pwBPD believes that how they feel, the painful emotional difficulties they have, are caused by the people and events around them, and the only way to change those painful emotions is to change the people and events.

it's very common for pwBPD to jump rapidly from one relationship to another, thinking that ~this~ is the one who is going to be perfect and cure me.    although they probably wouldn't express it that way.     pwBPD had difficult with impulse control.   for them the emotion of the moment is totally accurate and feels like it will last forever.   

a BPD is not like a normal relationship and the break up from it is not like a normal breakup.    just as the relationship followed certain patterns so does the break up.   the relationship usually begins with a huge phase of idealization, this is the perfect match,   we are just incredibly alike,  this is the relationship that will heal us both and last forever.    it's the honeymoon phase on steroids.   then little imperfects start to creep in,   conflicts over nothing really start to arise,   depending how codependent we are and how severe the BPD this goes on for a while, and then quite often the relationship explodes in dramatic fashion.   leaving the BPD to repeat the process with someone else, and us to work to pick up the pieces.

you are doing the right things,   taking care of yourself with therapy and exercise.   it does take a while to rebuild after these relationship.     I felt shattered.    and with a touch of PTSD.   it took me a while to understand what I had just been through and why it impacted me so.

how are you feeling today?   after writing your first post?    sometimes just the process of writing it all down helps relieve some of the stress.

'ducks


 

[Rev]

Hi Gemini,

Just writing to say welcome...

You've got some great responses here. So I'll just soak up some atmosphere for now.

AND... just know that you've come to a great place. Glad you found us.

Rev

[lovingmyself1st]

Hello Gemini1967,

Thank you for sharing. I really resonate with your situation. Similarly, my ex had a conversation with me about 1 week before ending things with me about how she was had built up a lot of resentment for something I had said 2 months prior (this was the first time she brought it up). We had 1 week of very little contact, she was super cold to me, and often seemed dissociated. She then broke things off with me (via email), and said she doesn't think she'll ever get over the resentment she feels, she knows she can't trust me, and that she just has a feeling we're not supposed to be together. She said she can't give me what I need, and "our trauma responses just don't go together." I was blindsided & am utterly heartbroken.

About 2 weeks before our split, she was telling her best friend she was "so so happy," she told her family that she's never felt more seen & cared for, and told me that she was really excited about the direction our relationship was heading. In talking to our mutual friends & her family, everyone is shocked she ended things so abruptly, and no one understands. It's so painful.

Icing on the cake - my grandfather died the day I moved out.

I'm sorry you had to go through all of these traumas at the same time. That is so much for one person to handle. I'm glad to hear you're in therapy & are working to take care of yourself. Keep seeing your therapist, keep talking to friends who will affirm you, keep taking care of your body.

This is not easy. You're not alone.

[Gemini1967]

Thankyou so very much for the replies. It means alot to me and particularly the insight into this illness.

The hardest part for me is the daily rumination of analysing the break up, what was said, what i did , what i didn't do, what she did, the texts, the emails etc etc etc

Trying to relieve myself of this is so very hard. I just cant fathom how someone after 6 years, with everything we did and went through, was able to just switch off and jump on someone else and carry on as if they were already in a long term relationship - i just find that so incredibly hard how they are able to bury their feelings like that  -and not once look back or reconsider their judgement

Like they got into the lifeboat without telling me, then blew the ship up and didn't hang around to see the damage. That is what it feels like.

This wasn't 6 months . This was 6 years and my parents were dying and she was very fond of them, and still she went ..like it seemed effortless to do so. Just to start up with a new guy overnight and post it all on SM. Mind blowingly destructive to the person left. Utterly discarded with the most brutal of words used.

A few months earlier we had gone on holiday together with her children. I left a little earlier because i had work commitments  - so she came back too -  the next day, as it just 'wasnt the same' without me being there.  A few weeks after that (September time) i was at a BBQ at her sisters and she was saying to her sister that we will 'never break up again' - that we 'were good' . we were ok etc etc

I spent all last year training up her elder son in the sport of triathlon. He had always looked upon me as a positive male role model because his father was such an abusive horrid man . So i spent hours cycling with him, getting him his first road bike, sea swimming with him and taking him to his first race. all this just gone too ...   even her sister said to her that he absolutely dotes on me ...
 
All this gone and now i'm replaced by another ...   its just heartbreaking .. that her destructive impulse not only destroyed us but the bonds between myself and her children . I don't know how she lives with herself.

Each day for me can go either two ways, i get a different perspective of it (such as really understanding that this was not me that this is a serious mental condition and nothing could i have done to thwart her behaviour in December) and i feel a bit better... Or i go down rabbit holes with the intrusive thoughts ( my loss of value, sense of worthlessness, my self esteem on the floor, constant thinking about how great this new chap must be, how in love she is with him, how much better that relationship is than the one i had with her ).

Its these thoughts that can still keep me flat in my bed for the best part of the morning if i let them take hold. and its so hard not too because of the trauma experienced here

I am truly grateful for the responses. I'm 6 months out from the break up . A long journey ahead of recovery . But the support of this forum is yet another tool in the box to aid my recovery

Thankyou
Gemini 1967

[babyducks]

Thanks for checking in again with us Gemini.   I do appreciate that.

The hardest part for me is the daily rumination of analysing the break up, what was said, what i did , what i didn't do, what she did, the texts, the emails etc etc etc

The ruminations are tough.    I remember how hard it was for me to distract myself from them.    I was so trained to listen for the ping of an incoming text message, that I was hypervigilant for them.    There are thought stopping techniques (google for a list) that were somewhat effective for me.   I had a little more luck with thought distancing techniques.    sometimes called cognitive de-fusion.   

Trying to relieve myself of this is so very hard. I just cant fathom how someone after 6 years, with everything we did and went through, was able to just switch off and jump on someone else and carry on as if they were already in a long term relationship - i just find that so incredibly hard how they are able to bury their feelings like that  -and not once look back or reconsider their judgement

I would suggest that they aren't burying their feelings.   but more that their feelings moved rapidly on.    Margalis Fjelstad talks  in her book that pwBPD believe that the emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will last forever.    once I read that I noticed it about so much of what/how my Ex thought and felt.    the restaurant on the corner was her absolute favorite, until it wasn't.   this politician was absolutely great until they weren't.   that extreme black and white thinking, that all or nothing, its all great or its all horrible approach to life.   

This wasn't 6 months . This was 6 years and my parents were dying and she was very fond of them, and still she went ..like it seemed effortless to do so. Just to start up with a new guy overnight and post it all on SM. Mind blowingly destructive to the person left. Utterly discarded with the most brutal of words used.

you do understand that much of this is projection right?    projection was so weird for me to understand when I first got here.   she will dump her shame and rage on you, make you the scape goat so she can feel emotionally safe.   not that its a conscious deliberate thought but so often pwBPD blame, accuse and attack loved ones for small, even trivial mistakes or incidents to relieve the chaos inside of themselves.    it serves a deeply maladjusted psychological need.

Each day for me can go either two ways, i get a different perspective of it (such as really understanding that this was not me that this is a serious mental condition and nothing could i have done to thwart her behaviour in December) and i feel a bit better... Or i go down rabbit holes with the intrusive thoughts ( my loss of value, sense of worthlessness, my self esteem on the floor, constant thinking about how great this new chap must be, how in love she is with him, how much better that relationship is than the one i had with her ).
 

one of the sad truths we find here over and over again is that most of us got into these relationships because we ourselves were struggling with some damage or emotional wounds.    we tend to have an unusually high tolerance for abuse, and not in a good way.     the experts say that we end up in relationships with people who are at the same level of emotional maturity with ourselves.   I hated hearing that but now, long after, I can see the truth of it.    those early stages of electrifying infatuation were so so addictive.     I felt like a super hero in the beginning.   and I wanted that feeling back.   I never felt as loved and cared for in my entire life as during those first 6 months of our relationship.   

what I know now to be true is the people with BPD enter and leave relationships - because it serves them in some way.    if she is all over social media displaying how perfect the new relationship is - trust me - its not perfect and it serves her need for attention, perfection and victimhood.     its not about him.   just as it was  almost never about you.    its all about her managing her wants and needs.

keep reading here and keep posting.    it may not feel like it now but every time you do, a little more of the puzzle will slip into place.    those little jolts of recognition are healing.

'ducks

[Gemini1967]

Thought I would update from my last posts back in June .

I wont go in to detail of my experience with what I believe to be a non diagnosed ex GF with BPD. But to quickly summarise, was with her for 6 years . Blindsided and brutally discarded and replaced with someone she met on dating app - at the time both my father (then shortly after my mother) went into end of life care with both dying within months of each other this year (2022)

She was very close to both ( well so i believe who the hell knows with these individuals). This was back in December last year (2021) .. Was all over social media within weeks and then she went on holiday with him and her kids within 2/3 months of meeting him  (the holiday I was supposed to go on with her)...

Since that time, I went full NC (January 2022) and blocked her (on whatsapp) . She never blocked me (whatsapp) until I asked her to in March as she was constantly putting pictures of her and him as her profile pic,  and I could'nt bear it anymore - so rang her up to ask her to block me.

She did (reluctantly). all good. Until I started to become obsessed at looking at my blocked number lists and seeing if I was unblocked. (And I mean an obsession  - I was looking every hour, every 30 minutes every 10 minutes utterly incomprehensible I know) ..

From this constant looking, I noticed that about every other month or so I would be unblocked, and up would pop just a photo of herself as her whatsapp profile picture. Sometimes this would last a day, other times couple of days, and then I would be abruptly blocked again.. No reaching out , no contact .. I presumed / suspected that things might be rather unstable with my replacement hence this behaviour ..

I did not react ... until last month ... when again she unblocked me  - this time with a photo of her daughter (8 yrs old) whom she knew I doted on and basically was a kind of step dad too (knew her since she was 1 yr old) ... I was left unblocked for just over a week and then abruptly re blocked again.

This really incensed me  - I was just so angry and confused - that I broke and made contact by email. I asked her that I wanted to talk to her directly.. Not by text message or email but direct conversation or 121 meet up. She asked me why I wanted to see her and I responded by saying again that I would talk to her directly face to face - and not by digital method or by texting (her preferred method of all contact between us).

She declined saying and I quote ' Thankyou for the invite but I am with someone and that would not be fair on him' ...   Incredulous.

I responded by saying ok, so its not fair on him, but why do you keep unblocking / blocking me then?  Her response - "I'm not, I don't understand how this is happening but your number is deleted from my contact list and I never look at my blocked number lists - I'm sorry I cant explain it and I'm sorry if its upset you"


Rubbish.

I know. I am a fool for looking. I am a fool for thinking that she was looking to reach out. I did and I got  royally smacked right back in the face for it. It was almost as if she drew me in to smash me again and enjoy it.

My recovery from this F~~~~~g mentalist demon has once again really wobbled since this and I am back in therapy .

Why Why Why Why did she do this? . What is she doing? . Its just so manipulative, triangulating  / gaslighting behaviour  - when I am still trying to come to terms with the loss of both my parents this year . Really cruel - particularly drawing me in with picture of her daughter whom I have had no contact with since December (which equally has really traumatised me and is another loss)

I don't expect the community on here to have the answer but I suppose I'm just alerting others to be just so careful when this kind of thing happens..   Its almost like a trap was set to further humiliate me - when I've kept completely out of her way - and accepted that she replaced me with another ... Like she had to comeback for more and drive the knife in to a wound that has hardly began to heal


Or is it that the new relationship is not stable and this is her way of what seeing if I'm still there ? I just don't know its just mindf####ery

What I have done now is unblock her on whatsapp and have deleted her from my phone so I don't keep checking the blocked number list. At least she is removed completely from my phone - but it wont take a second to put her number back in my phone and check ... which I am trying desperately not to do !  But I don't know what else to do to combat the obsession of looking. This seemed the best option to actually remove her from my phone. (I haven't put in her number in my phone now for some two weeks which is progress!)

Thankyou for reading

Gemini1967 

[Rev]

Hey there my friend...

Read it all - twice. Identify with all of it. Maddening and the stuff of shame and crazy making - at least for me at the time.

All of it - the effects - are a real thing. Hard to believe it could really happen. Hard to believe until you're there, that is.  Then it becomes hard to accept, almost because you feel like no one is going to believe you or understand - again, at least for me.

I think that's partly where the ruminations come from - like almost you're saying to yourself that such events can't be real. But no, at times, when the person we were with is really suffering, the limits of what is possible need to be re-drawn.   

So keep venting. You'll need to in order to process it all out. And one day you'll get there and then you'll realize the healing has started to set in - and you 'll discover (or rediscover as the case may be) parts of yourself, good parts, that feed you and others around you.

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

[Gemini1967]

Grateful Rev

I posted my update yesterday because weekends I really struggle with. I'm hoping to re join a cycling club in my area soon to try and motivate back into my cycling and weekend activities

But you are spot on, did this actually happen to me ? did she actually do all this and I mean all of it to me when I so needed her? ... that is the thing that is just so hard to believe -  let alone make any sense of.

I wont lie, it has driven me almost crazy at times trying to understand any of it  - and that is the cause of the rumination. Because I cant. I was given no adult conversation after 6 years, no closure , no real reason - just a flurry of text messages and the threat of police being called if I was to attempt further contact . (and I work in criminal justice )

I cant comprehend it and its probably why I talk to anyone who is prepared to
listen because its almost as if I need to hear them say this was madness on her part and that I am not crazy. She is. I need to hear that . I need to keep re enforcing the narrative that there was nothing I could do  - that she does have a disorder of the mind. That to me, is the only thing that makes sense of it as much as I never thought like this previously ...  But now on reflection, the red flags were there throughout the 6 years but I just got conditioned to always accept that the relationship breakdowns were always my fault (and I did time after time after time and every recycle)

I also feel so sorry for the little girl. This chap that she run off with from the dating site .. I have looked at him on FB and is so self absorbed. His posts are very inappropriate, he documents everywhere he goes, constant selfie updates, shirtless etc, you know the sort,  has 400 friends, and this is a man in his early 50's. Real cringeworthy stuff and the total opposite to me - (I don't even have a social media platform) For all intents and purposes strong narcissistic traits in my non clinical opinion, who clearly swept her off her feet , lovebombed her, and was in her words ' her knight in shining armour' .. (and we both used to make fun out of these guys that did this sort of stuff on social media in their 40's/50's - as highly embarrassing egotistical gods - she used to cringe about it and now she is with one - none of it makes sense..)

So the daughter whom really doted on me has now got this self obsessed idiot as my replacement . Just really sad you know.

But again, thankyou for responding so quickly, I'm doing all that I can to recover from this, and what's really sad, is her behaviour and her actions have completely masked my grief for my parents. She is still in the way of that.

She has a non diagnosed disorder. This is my only answer I have,  and I must hold onto that, because if that is not the case, then I question my own sanity

Thankyou
Gemini1967

[Tupla Sport]

Thank you for sharing. In some ways, I feel like I'm going through an ultra lite version of your situation. And knowing how harrowing it has been for me, I can't even begin to fathom how devastating it is for you.

One of the most shattering things about a discarded relationship like that is the feeling you're probably never going to get closure in the traditional sense.

I was only dating my exBPD of two years with no children involved and was supposed to be on a break but when I reached out for an update, she abrubtly informed me she had decided to call it quits with me. He also got involved with my closest friend and had been seeing him at least "a few times" since us going on the break. The one friend I had trusted enough to open about our relationship to. The one friend I had indirectly and some times even directly warned him about untreated BPD people! She is now posting suggestive Instagram stories. One of them was a quote from Twitter that said "Effort is so attractive".

I will never know how long they were cheating on me fully. He always fawned for her, buying inappropriately expensive gifts and making inappropriate gestures in public with her. She always talked me out of my jealous thoughts, saying weirdly specific things like "I could never be in a relationship with someone like him" and "he clearly lacks healthy boundaries".

This all devastated me to my core. And I know I got off easy.

It is not normal behavior. What makes it the most maddening thing to me is that everything makes half-sense a lot of the time. They are so good at manipulating you that your brain will trick you for weeks and months, taking their side in arguments and in hindsight. They effortlessly weave the web of half-truths and half-fulfilled promises and it just doesn't hold up. But our brain desperately wants it to make sense and we tend to try to find reason where it doesn't exist.

[Rev]

But now on reflection, the red flags were there throughout the 6 years but I just got conditioned to always accept that the relationship breakdowns were always my fault (and I did time after time after time and every recycle)

Just for the sake of venting and finding closure, I found this thread really helpful, even if I was already on the road to healing.  It helped me solidify the progress I had made.

I really feel for you because it doesn't sound like there was a decisive moment where she really crossed the line. For me, there was one, and even though she is the one who technically ended it, I was the one who provoked the ending. pwBPD don't take to ultimatums well. She had become so sloppy hiding her affair and the finances connected to that, that all I really needed to do was to confront here about the finances and not mention the affair. I had help from friends to do this. Was super rough because I was SOOO angry, but I had too much to lose if I let my anger get the better of me at that point. So, I found a way to let it go after the fact and over time.

Maybe there's something in the thread for you.

Rev

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329294.0;all

[AnotherVictim]

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