Out of the Box
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Poly: married to one partner (not BPD), dating other partner pwBPD
Posts: 2
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« on: November 01, 2022, 10:39:46 AM » |
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Long time lurker, first time poster. I am deeply appreciative of this site and all of you who have contributed advice to others. This is not an easy road! I am in need of support and perspective, with a unique situation, so hoping some of you might have some thoughts and support. It’s a bit long, thanks for your patience!
I am a bisexual poly woman in two relationships—I’ve been with my husband for almost 19 years, and also with my other partner, a woman, for a little over 5 years. The three of us are all together in a triad. I live my husband and our children, and she lives next door with hers, on a shared custody basis with her ex. So it's a very committed situation.
My girlfriend was diagnosed with sub-clinical quiet BPD almost 2 years ago. She is very successful professionally, has friends, and no one sees her struggles except for us. The diagnosis explained so much, and it was a beginning of a healing road. Although she had been in therapy for years prior, having the diagnosis, a new therapist, plus a lot of work on her part, as well as my part in dealing with boundaries differently and working on myself, has improved the relationship tremendously. There were many times along the way that I thought I was making a horrible mistake in staying in this type of relationship, but since there has been steady improvement, the fights have been fewer and far between, and it has forced me to work on myself in ways that have been helpful for me. I know I am part of any dynamic and that I can be intense too. I use SET a lot and it helps. There are ways in which being poly has worked really well for all of us in this kind of situation—my other partner is very emotionally steady, and I’ve felt that there are always trade-offs in any relationship. My pwBPD is exciting and fun, can be there for me when she isn’t triggered or wrapped up in her own stuff, and I’m deeply attracted to her.
We’re also very different, most notably in that she is way more introverted than I am. I like going out with groups of people, and she’s ok with that sometimes, but mostly wants to spend time with me or our other partner alone (the three of us spend time together too, but less lately for many reasons).
Our relationship has generally been very good the past 6 months or so. I invited her with me to take a work trip overseas for a week, and we were both looking forward to it. The excitement of the travel, the time together. I had a lot of stealth expectations for this trip though, and I don’t think I realized how much I needed a certain kind of support, as it was a conference I had never been to and I didn't know anyone. I should add that she made it possible for me to go, as her work paid for the accommodations, while I had to pay my own way.
We just got back from the trip. The first few days were fine—she came with me to some events, and went off on her own during some of the other time. Things devolved the last few days though, which seemed sparked by my making plans with other people (that she was invited to but didn’t want to join in on). She claimed she didn’t care, but made certain passive aggressive barbs, and we ended up arguing. We sort of made up, and while she didn’t give me the full silent treatment, we went to a conference party where she clearly couldn’t engage with me while I was repeatedly making bids for connection. I didn’t know anyone else there really. She claimed she felt neutral and “fine”. It felt very painful. The last day, there was a misunderstanding related to those plans and meeting up with her in between, I did make a mistake in communicating with her around our plans. As often happens, she had a huge reaction, and I apologized, and validated her feelings, but she couldn’t move through her anger, nor give any acknowledgement or grace about the misunderstanding which of course we were both responsible for. It was deeply upsetting for me—I was exhausted myself from having slept very badly the night before, and I think dealing with my own disappointment about the trip. We were sitting on a street corner in a vibrant city with her stone faced. I tried to engage with her but of course it was a terrible idea. It was an awful last night away.
At home, I would have dealt with it very differently. I would have just gone home and disengaged. I think in general I’ve lowered my expectations around a lot of things, but in this case I was caught off guard, almost forgetting how bad things can get. In this case, there was a lot riding on this trip, more than I realized. My own emotions were running high.
I’ve been in this relationship long enough, and have read enough, to know that ultimately, this kind of blow-up is always possible. When things come up, she can’t regulate on a timeline that has anything to do with me. But it’s still so disappointing. And of course leaves me questioning my role in this, and how much I’m willing to deal with to be in this relationship. The push/pull can be incredibly intense. But since things have improved, and I have grown, and she has grown, I have kept going. Because I love her, because I enjoy her so much when it works, and because most of the time, I don’t take anything personally anymore. But when the roller coaster comes, it’s a lot, I feel terrible and I wonder whether this is a healthy choice for me. Sometimes being with her feels like an addiction.
I find myself specifically wondering after this trip, whether this isn’t about a black and white scenario of staying or leaving, but perhaps about just setting new boundaries, like not going away with her on a work trip, on a trip where there are any stakes, or even on trips where I’m hoping to socialize with other people unless she’s already on board. Of course, I know going on trips without her may be triggering for her in a different way, and I miss her when I’m not with her. Of course, daily life does bring its own challenges too. Nothing is easy/breezy, and while there is way less drama than there used to be, one never knows when it will arise.
Any thoughts, feedback or support is greatly appreciated! I think I may just need validation that being in a relationship like this is not deeply disordered on my end, from other people who are walking similar roads in some form.
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