Grief after going NC this weekend

[splendidvelcro]

After a whole year of on/off contact with my mother and a two month period of being no contact earlier this year, I've decided to go no contact. Hopefully for good this time. She is horrible for my mental health and I am sick of her treatment. I blocked her number and she still found a roundabout way to call me from a private number and left really hurtful voicemails. I ended up changing my phone number on Saturday night. I blocked her email and I'm not checking my spam folder. The first couple days I felt enormously relieved, but now I feel crippling grief. I'm 28 and crying in my apartment about how I want my mommy.  I'm sad for her for being so mentally ill. I'm thinking of the few good moments and wish I could have another one right now. I wish I had a somewhat "normal" mom. Any advice for someone who's gotten successfully to the other side of grief?

[Turkish]

I missed them the first time, but I read your previous posts. What happened to lead you to go NC this time? Any more suicide threats or physically attacking you?

No matter what happened, and you need to keep yourself safe, there definitely is guilt with emotional and or physical cut-off. We also grieve the parent who should have been.  A lot of us have experienced this here, so you're not alone  

[zachira]

You want to hear from people who have experienced grief from going NC with a mother with BPD. I have gone NC with most of my family members and was extremely low contact with my mother with BPD before she died. The loss of never having a mother who loved you the way a mother is supposed to love her child is a life long loss. It is also a confusing loss when sometimes your mother did nice things for you that felt like she cared for you. I also felt terribly sad for how mentally ill my mother was and sometimes guilty for putting myself first because I had to if I was ever to have a life worth living. From my experiences with grieving so many losses with so many family members including a mother with BPD, I have found the grief overwhelming at times, while learning with time that letting myself cry deeply, and observing my feelings by meditating for at least a half an hour or just spot checks on feelings in the moment throughout the day, help me to process the most overwhelming feelings including grief before the feelings pile up and become more intense. Going NC with a close family member, is like unpeeling an onion; with time, you find new issues to grieve as you face all the losses. Be patient with yourself and do not expect to ever be completely over a loss that is life long. With time, you will start to feel better, though always sad about having a mother with BPD.

[splendidvelcro]

Thanks for the replies!

I went to visit her a couple months ago for the second time this year. I only planned to visit for a day but ended up getting COVID while I was visiting and had to extend the trip significantly. I felt like I was on the verge of getting a panic attack being around her and I was not comforted by her presence (signs that I'm starting to emotionally detach from her). I'm also in the middle of deciding where to move next and she's very insistent that I move near her. I told her I was considering a city on the west coast and she started freaking out/leaving multiple voicemails about how she hates a painting I made of her in college and that "she will destroy it". I'm honestly just sick of her treatment and feel oddly calm since going NC.

Thank you for the support!

I feel similar in that I've recently realized that I need to put myself first and stop prioritizing her over myself --especially since she doesn't even seem to have the will to live. You are right that this is a life long loss. It's not something I'm just going to "get over". Thanks!