adult child has/is ruining entire family

[weezer]

                        Our adult daughter ,  is now estranged  from us her parents. She allows pics to be shown to
other family members thru social media, she does not respond to family, however they show us her pics.
 
we can easily tell her anorexic problem is back, heavy clothing is not hiding it.. Her recent husband is not allowed to
communicate with any of us, he is I believe just going along with whatever she tells him to do or not to do.
All of this serious hate started soon after she married, at first it was about her new husband, he was the villain, then it was the government, then it was about people in general, then it became us who was the villain,  she always has to have a villain. We have been her protectors for 35 yrs, now she hates us and has told anyone who would listen that we abused her. .This has wrecked our family . My question is this, how can anyone repair anything if she refuses to even speak to us, we know she is BPD, but now she claims she was never ill with it, that we made it all up. We heard the wild stories through someone else that her father hit her , but in reality that was the boyfriend she had before her husband who did that to her ,  that was rescue #7 with us  coming to her aide yet again. I will say that before all of this went down, she had been dropping words like boundaries, toxic people , narcissistic  families, and some wild tale that she was locked up as a child for hours,,,this goes on and on, yet why cannot we speak to her in person, she has been told by whom we do not know , I feel it was an online psychologist. to go on with her life and forget us. What hurts parents like us is being labeled abusive, when it was the total opposite, she was treated like a little princess growing up. We both have cried till we cannot cry anymore, this is so unfair to do to your mom and Dad who are approaching the so called golden years...Weezee

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Weezee and welcome to this family. The information in your post is familiar to us here: we are all dealing with some, if not all of the things you describe.

I think it is good to let the tears flow, because somehow the hurt, anxiety and the exhaustion of loving and caring for a child for so many years needs to flow from ourselves or it will break our hearts.

It is difficult to understand what 'reality' is in the mind of someone with BPD. The 'borderline' aspect seems to be that sometimes it is reality as we know it, other times it is psychosis - firm beliefs in things that are not reality.

So many people who post here talk about being accused of awful things and I can say from my own experience that it took a great deal for me to come to terms with what was being said about me to others - things that were the opposite of the reality. I could see how some of the things had bits and pieces of things that had been on the news at some point in time and then morphed to include me.

Reading about this awful illness and browsing how people are dealing with it can be a great help.   But after 35 years of loving concern and support, the feeling of powerlessness is just awful when a child decides to cut you out of their life.

It is harder still when you can see - from the photos others show you - that your daughter's anorexia is a real issue at the moment. You must be so worried and at the same time so powerless.

The times when I have been at my most anxious and also completely powerless have been the times when I had to learn about 'letting go'. What that meant in practise was:
Going over and over the mantra 'I didn't cause this; I can't control it; I can't cure it' (the 3 C's)
Spending time each day thinking loving thoughts about my dd - sending them into space if you like, as a reminder to myself that my dd is loved because I love her no matter what.
Making sure the pain and anxiety doesn't take over my whole life: when I feel like this I say to myself 'I have every right to feel so distressed, but I will think about this at 4 o'clock this afternoon'.
Trying to find a few moments doing something that focuses my mind - or heart - on something that brings joy.

You probably know these things - it took me a long time to learn them. I see it as 'letting go -with love'. I know I have done everything that I could - as you have clearly done.

I hope coming here brings some relief from the pain. It does for me, because I know that, out there in the world, today, tonight, tomorrow, there are people going through the same things, dealing with the same things, that I am.

Somehow that is a great help to me . . .

 

[pursuingJoy]

All 3 of my kids have also cut me out of their lives. The middle one was diagnosed with BPD and has crafted a story they all believe. Her story has traces of truth but it's all been twisted. The grief is intense and it doesn't shrink with time, but I have grown to live with it. There are fewer days when I cry all day, more nights when I sleep well.

Going over and over the mantra 'I didn't cause this; I can't control it; I can't cure it' (the 3 C's)
Spending time each day thinking loving thoughts about my dd - sending them into space if you like, as a reminder to myself that my dd is loved because I love her no matter what.
Making sure the pain and anxiety doesn't take over my whole life: when I feel like this I say to myself 'I have every right to feel so distressed, but I will think about this at 4 o'clock this afternoon'.
Trying to find a few moments doing something that focuses my mind - or heart - on something that brings joy.

You probably know these things - it took me a long time to learn them. I see it as 'letting go -with love'. I know I have done everything that I could - as you have clearly done.

These are great tidbits of advice - I've practiced a few of them and have seen resilience build over time. 

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know you miss your daughter and wish you could help her and love her. We miss our kids too. Know you're not alone in your grief and anger.

[weezer]

 

                             Thank you all , I don't feel so alone, and I am no longer going to search for what I did to deserve this.
                    I am keeping the three C's that you taught me,,,,,(,'I didn't cause this; I can't control it; I can't cure it' )
            I say that out loud  several times a day, I only cry maybe once a day now, but if I can I watch stand up comedy just to get a belly laugh, it gives me some relief, I am fighting depression but I intend to win with that.
 May  God Bless Us All and give us his peace