This article

[Notwendy]

May not be the exact same scenario for all of us- but the emotions of the writer - wow.


https://slate.com/technology/2022/03/mentally-ill-parent-elder-care-boundaries-liz-scheier.html

[Methuen]

May not be the exact same scenario for all of us- but the emotions of the writer - wow.


https://slate.com/technology/2022/03/mentally-ill-parent-elder-care-boundaries-liz-scheier.html

I just read the story.  It’s a direct hit - on the issues.

Validating.  

Thanks for sharing  

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Great article that we should get posted in this site's archives if possible.

[Turkish]

Selling her eggs? Wow.

One of the 1 star reviews of her memoir is unfair, but the others make me not have interest in reading it.

It's a good article that sums up the internal and external struggles of many of us here.

[Notwendy]

I didn't look at her novel or reviews on Amazon. I already know that, even if the book is great, I could not read it. I think it would be too difficult, emotionally. The article was an emotional experience to read.

I did look at the reviews you mentioned. My guess is that selling eggs was desperation. Fertility clinics seek young healthy college women for egg donations. I have seen ads for this. Looks like the author was supporting her mother in part- this might have helped her get through college.

The negative reviews were interesting as this is the kind of reaction we'd get if we told anyone what was going on. "How dare you say this about your mother- you must be a bad person for making this up". Some people can not fathom the kinds of things she probably wrote in her book. They think she is a monster for not taking her mother in.

That's one of the reasons we kids stopped talking about it. Nobody believed us. They thought we were bad kids for saying it. I am still afraid to talk to people about her. Each time I reveal some information about my mother to her nurse coordinator, I fear she thinks I am a horrible daughter for either saying this or not running to help my poor mother.

So it's not a surprise to see these reviews. Maybe they have a point, but I had already decided to not read the book.

The common theme of all the attempts to help her mother find housing, which she refused, and then the "what kind of monster has her mother in a shelter"--

"I am that monster".

I found this article looking for resources for my mother and it came up in the search. If she needs residential care, they need to be able to deal with her. If she's in assisted living and she's abusive to the staff and others- they will evict her. I doubt she'd go willingly but she's not managing well - she won't allow home health to help her much too. She can't be the only person with these issues- so looking for AL that may also have psychiatric support if such a thing exists.

When looking, I came across comments on articles, Q and A where people write in their dilemma. There's comments from people who are also in a similar situation, then there's the occasional comment. "you need to bring your mother to live with you, after all she took care of you". 

So what I would say about someone who posts that reply. If they can not begin to understand why someone would emotionally struggle over this dilemma, they are blessed.

[Notwendy]

On an aside- what is so aggravating when making a search for "AL for seniors with mental illness" is that all the websites are sales websites with representatives who must get commission. You can't see pricing, you need to leave your information. I still get mail from some of them when I was looking for my parents when my father was ill. Not that they ever were interested, but -- well, I did try.

These glossy websites would be happy to have a customer, but can they handle someone with my mother's issues? Because it is possible to get evicted from them.

[Riv3rW0lf]

The negative reviews were interesting as this is the kind of reaction we'd get if we told anyone what was going on. "How dare you say this about your mother- you must be a bad person for making this up". Some people can not fathom the kinds of things she probably wrote in her book. They think she is a monster for not taking her mother in.

I found, so far, that the people who reacted the strongest to me being no contact with my mother had dysfunctional, and abusive families themselves, and were not willing to develop strong boundaries for themselves for various reasons. They remain within the abusive dynamic under the guise of : being the biggest person, they need them, being the savior, the martyr... They gain something from remaining in the dysfunction and project onto those of us who don't their rage and judgment... Partly because, I assume, part of them is jealous that we made it out.

[Notwendy]

When I try to talk to my BPD mother's care team, I feel a lot of anxiety that they might judge me or not believe me. It's not that it bothers me what they think of me- that isn't what I feel anxious about. It's that if they don't believe me, and possibly blow me off, then I lose a way to check on her, and she doesn't get the care she needs due to people not knowing what her emotional issues are. Also since she doesn't always tell me what is going on, I need to be able to communicate with someone who is in contact with her.
I do care about how she is doing.


I even feel anxious posting here sometimes, even though you all "get it" - saying these kinds of things about my own mother? Our culture frowns on that.

We were expected to not let on that there are any issues.

As Riv3rW0lf said, maybe some of the people posting are in similar dynamics where it is wrong to say these things, or they have loving mothers and think the author is horrible.

[zachira]

When finding care for a mentally ill senior who demands to be in control and abuses those around them, it is essential to find services where they get it. My aunt was in a nursing home, and the staff described her as the most difficult person in there, while she was the most capable both mentally and physically of everyone I saw there. My mother's home health care team was very kind to me, knowing that I was estranged from my siblings who were controlling my mother's care, and I felt that they did get it. I don't think you are going to find any place that says that they get it, and you will see with time who does. You can get lucky in finding care for a severely mentally ill senior.

[Turkish]

At one point, my mom was attacking patients and staff. They finely found the right combo of meds to even her out. She's been on mood stabilizers for years, so no surprise. Later, they said she was very pleasant and helpful.

[madeline7]

In the area where my Mom lives, there are no AL's that are staffed to work with mental health issues. The Residential Care facilities can work with dementia, Alzeimhers and other cognitive impairments, but not personality disorders, bipolar, etc. The state of our mental health services in our area is abysmal. So when the admissions team went to assess my Mom, she put on her charms and they accepted her. Family did not disclose her BPD, and because she isn't formally diagnosed, we felt a little less guilty. When she immediately began to act out upon moving in, they said some folks take at least 6 months to adjust. It's been 3 years, and she is the one person that of course has not adjusted. This is a unique AL, the only one of its kind in the area, and has a private foundation and they pride themselves on being able to keep residents at their community. They have agreed to work with her and will allow her to remain there. Her meals are delivered to her room, the SW developed a relationship with her and checks in on her frequently, she has become a hermit who rages occasionally, and we are amazed this has worked. If this 1 place did not exist, we would be in a world of pain. Prior to AL, after my father passed away, and my Mom moved to our area to be close to us, I did see an eldercare lawyer and asked what my responsibility to her was in terms of taking care of her. He told me I was not responsible to take care of her. I also stopped sharing my experiences about my Mom with most people except my close trusted friends, who don't judge me, and have actually given me props for taking care of myself. Not Wendy, I get how you feel bad about posting some things on this site, and I also share that experience. I do get it, and I value your posts, support and insight.

[Notwendy]

That's a good resource. Our area is also lacking in mental health resources. Some AL's are chains, and some are sponsored by religious denominations. I doubt any of them have staff who can handle these behavioral issues. Regardless of where she might want to go if she moved, the area needs to have the resources she would need.

You are correct, it's not easy to determine if an AL can handle these kinds of issues. To make a good match for her, one would need to look at all aspects- cost, location, resources and so far, it's not been possible to discuss these topics with her.

You are fortunate the AL has been committed to work with your mother. They sound great.

I doubt my mother would even agree to go to one. Home care works for her best as long as she can manage it financially.

[zachira]

Do not overlook that there are people with little or no mental health training who get it in how to deal with extremely mentally ill seniors, and professionals who should get it and don't.

[Notwendy]

True, I am not ready to test the idea though. I know someone who got asked to leave an AL in our area. He was similar- had an NPD streak, just didn't think he needed to comply with the staff and would get angry at him.

When my father got ill, I wanted to know what to do in a "what if" situation. I looked at several AL's- just wanting to get to know more about them, the cost, what they were like. I assumed my parents would be content in some of them, with the activities and not having to worry about meals and house keep up. But I realized this was not the case. I did present the idea to them, and they didn't go for it.

When BPD mother brings up AL- anywhere, the logical next step is to discuss costs. She won't have that discussion. I have a rough idea about her income and know it will cover some of the cost but not all of it. I had hoped if she wanted to make this choice that the equity in her home would provide for that. Now we don't even know what that is. I think it's risky for her to go into an AL she can not pay for or one that can not manage her. I also don't think she would want to be in one which may be why she hesitates to discuss the details.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
I agree with you that your mother would not do well in assisted living and might be asked to leave. Keep up with the home health care and you may eventually get people who are better able to handle your mother. My mother was initially cruel to and unappreciative of her home health care workers. Eventually she thrived on the attention and kindness they provided her.

[Notwendy]

I agree. I think a part of my concern is that she's beginning to show signs of going over the edge- I have heard from the nurse manager that she's not bathing and things like that which is very different as she's been meticulous about self care.

The hard part is that the law is set up to have someone be deep in trouble before we are allowed to intervene. I understand this- self determination is important and elderly people need to be protected from people who might exploit them. I have been told that in her county, the judges frown on adult children trying to take control and are suspicious of elder abuse. The law is in her favor which means we need to steer clear of any attempts to intervene when she doesn't want that.  I don't put it past her to make a false accusation.

So we just continue as things are, hoping she continues to manage to meet some standard of self care with it.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
So sad you can't save your mother from self destructing. You don't know what the next crisis that could have been prevented will be and that requires a lot of self care on your part not to think about it so much.

[Notwendy]

I agree and I have limited my phone calls with her because I don't want to get into an emotional conversation with her.

It's hard to know what to do also because I was groomed to be her emotional caretaker and this is how she relates to me. Lots of FOG in this situation.

I think this is reminiscent of the emotions I felt when my father was ill. I couldn't rescue him and I can't rescue BPD mother. I know what to do, but it's an emotional decision.

It helps me to write my feelings here and also the responses help too- I can process them as I do that.