Suicidal threats

[PowerChild]

Since I have decided to view my boyfriend's BPD cycle as more of a detached observer, accepting the fact that I cannot reason him out of his emotional responses, I have found it... interesting?.. to watch the cycle play out: he blows up at me, grovels and apologizes, the honeymoon phase follows, he begins to withdraw and becomes distant, he overreacts to something minor and threatens suicide or reports self-mutilation, another blowup directed toward me may or may not follow, rinse and repeat.

His most recent descent into rage and depression took place yesterday. The issue? His car blew a tire. He immediately said he should kill himself and then said he was going to buy a new car today (impulsive behavior). Having accepted that he has BPD (undiagnosed as of yet, but it's painfully obvious), I've started to structure my responses around the fact that I cannot control anything and it is impossible to logic him out of any phase.

1) I used to try to reason with him or offer help to the problems that would set him off, but he'd snap that he needed me to listen, not help. Yesterday I only checked my phone every 20 minutes or so and then responded to the influx of texts with a calm reply.

2) In the past I'd spend time and energy talking him off the proverbial ledge, but last night I simply asked if he felt he was out of control, and that if he was, I would call someone like the police. (He chose to ignore this.)

3) Instead of trying to reason with him regarding giving up on his current car to buy a new one, I didn't even acknowledge this impulsive threat.

As a result of my acceptance that I have zero positive effect on his meltdowns, I slept well last night and feel like a million bucks today. No anxiety, no guilt, no mental preoccupation with his dramatics.

I'm curious: how do you react or respond to your BP's cycle -- specifically, the depressive meltdown or raging blowup phases?

P.S.
I couldn't help but notice that he tends to have these meltdowns when I'm out having fun with friends. I am so glad that I didn't ruin my night with my friends by stressing over his antics or staying glued to my phone all evening.

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[SaltyDawg]

Hello PowerChild,

   You sound like you take less than I do.  I actually strongly admire your ability to set strong boundaries and not put up with his .  I aspire to be like you in that regard.

   I also read your previous posts, and it looks like you are on a similar path that I am.  My previous relationship was to a NPD person, and I have replaced it with a seemingly opposite BPD person.

   I figured out that I am a 'caretaker', and you are also likely one too.  Everything you said on how you handle things, is covered in the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life  by Margalis Fjelstad.  I am trying to deal with it; however, my situation is a bit more complicated. 

   Can you explain in more detail how you are able to...

As a result of my acceptance that I have zero positive effect on his meltdowns, I slept well last night and feel like a million bucks today. No anxiety, no guilt, no mental preoccupation with his dramatics.

... as I too want to sleep well and feel like a million bucks with no anxiety or preoccupation with my uBPDw's dramatics.

   I do have some anxiety [how will it impact my children, how will it impact me], no guilt [as I know it is not my fault she is the way that she is]; but, I am preoccupied with my wife's dramatics on how it affects our children and this dynamic is not good.

   I know that the love bombing kept me a prisoner, and it is indeed intoxicating.  However, now that I finally figured out what kind of relationship that I am in, after being beaten down from emotional/verbal abuse.  I have taken back some of the control, I just need to get where you are at, which I admire, is to take full control, and not to take any  off my pwBPD.

   Item 1 & your P.S. - are symptom number 1, abandonment issues

   Item 2 is your pwBPD trying to gain control with emotional blackmail -- at least mine has expressed this after the fact with a questions "Why didn't you behave this [such and such] a way?"

   Item 3 - definitely impulsivity, which is yet another symptom of BPD.  My wife has that too when the car breaks down.  Let's go buy a $60,000+ new vehicle [impulsive], when an inexpensive repair will do [rational].

   I deal with the irrational depressive meltdowns [a.k.a. splitting] with cool, calm, logical reasoning.  If wife doesn't comprehend [after my 2nd attempt, which is >99% of the time], then I ignore until the splitting is over.  Same for the rages, except there is no reasoning with that.

   It sounds like you are still in the beginning stages of this relationship, and possibly in a 'rebound' style one too.  Even though the 'love bombing' is addicting/intoxicating and creates the [trauma] 'bond' -- use your 'wise mind' [logical+emotional mind together] to discern what you should be doing and where you should be going, as I am sure you can do much better, even though it won't be quite as exciting and addicting as your pwBPD.  However, if you are 'addicted' to him, and want to be with him -- just know what you are getting yourself into, it will likely not get better.  You seem to be in control right now.  However, if you continue to play with 'fire' of a white hot relationship, at some point in time you may get severely 'burned'.

   

[PowerChild]

Hey SaltyDawg,

I appreciate your comment and your kind, encouraging words. I hope you don't feel bad about yourself for still wanting to take care of her. Your situation definitely differs from mine; you're married to your pwBPD and you have kids (together?) I have kids from a previous marriage and I am shielding them from my boyfriend, for sure. I don't know if I'd feel this independent, for lack of a better word, if I was married to him and had his kids. It would be incredibly difficult for me to want to give that up. It was certainly a struggle to leave my NPD ex-husband.

I have also been reading a few books and doing online research regarding the disorder and I completely agree with what you said at the end there regarding making an informed decision for my future and knowing he will never change. I do think that I, as is stereotypical for many women, get caught up in the idea that *I* will be different than his past relationships and *I* can help him get better. You know, the whole "maybe I can change him!" mentality that lands women in abusive situations over and over. I do think men get caught up in the white knight ideology as well. It's not a negative trait to care and want to help people, but it's harmful when the person on the receiving end of all the care and love has something as sinister as BPD or NPD. I do believe the reason I am caught up in that way of thinking is that I legitimately am his longest and most serious relationship: two years. Before me, he'd only had hookups and short (less than a year) relationships that ended poorly. I've also seemingly convinced him to start therapy.

I've done a lot of thinking and I have concluded that, logically, I may very well tire of his drama and cut ties. I certainly have no intention of forcing my kids to be around him -- at all for now, but even when they're grown up, not for extended periods of time. He isn't really husband and father material because, like the average BPD, he has the emotional maturity of a two-year-old. I can't expect much from that.

I have also come to the conclusion that the number one dealbreaker for me in any relationship is infidelity. That's what actually ended my marriage. The verbal, emotional, and occasional physical abuse wasn't enough, but the affair was. Weird. Anyway, I know that BPD sufferers often cheat -- part of that impulsivity. I'm coming around to the idea of ending things.

I totally agree with you that there is no way for us to properly handle the rages when they occur. We just have to remove ourselves from the situation and return when it's blown over. But there's no winning, is there? My boyfriend has also insisted that I should have responded in such-and-such a way and doesn't comprehend it when I tell him I'm not telepathic.

I appreciate your admiration, but I should probably admit that I'm likely on my way out of the relationship. At risk of being an armchair psychologist, I have hypersensitive personality and am an INFJ, so generally by the time I realize I'm not fully invested emotionally anymore, the door is probably almost fully closed. Like many women before a breakup, I have likely already mourned the loss while still in the relationship and am almost ready to move on.

That intermittent reward system, though. Seriously addictive, isn't it? I find I like excitement, and boy is life with someone with BPD exciting. I may have had my fill for a while, however. What's nuts is that I seem to repeatedly attract NPDs and BPDs. I've had two friends in my life (both female) who have BPD, and then there's my ex-husband with NPD. We gentle souls tend to attract volatility, eh?

How long have you and your wife been together? How many kids and how old?

[PearlsBefore]

That intermittent reward system, though. Seriously addictive, isn't it? I find I like excitement, and boy is life with someone with BPD exciting. I may have had my fill for a while, however.

I'm assuming it's related to one's own childhood, but oh yes - people trying to murder me was both a career goal and a relationship constant. I'm happy to report that once you're "over it", you're officially over it - I've had pwBPDs display interest in me "adopting" them since I attracted some minor press attention for my withstanding BPD symptoms of a criminally violent partner, but I'm happy to report it's easy to decline now. I'm over the phase of my life where I make other people's problems my own. ;)

[SaltyDawg]

PowerChild,

Yes, my situation does differ that yours.  I am married to my pwBPD and we do have children together as well - we have been a couple since December 31st, 2000, got married in 2003, first child in 2006 when it all went downhill [off a cliff] after that -- and it is now 2022.  The 2nd child came along as a product of my wife's New Year's resolution that lasted all of 2 hours - no sex for more than a year prior, and only one time for me to checkout the plumbing after he was born [my wife's words, not mine, a projection on to me from her].  You said, "It would be incredibly difficult for me to want to give that up."  As we have two wonderfully smart children.  I agree completely, as we are both church-going with good moral compasses -- she presents herself as the perfect church lady; whereas, she perceives me as the 'bad boy' sailor who needs to be fixed.  She has openly acknowledged to our T that she thinks like a man, and I like a woman [her perspective].  While I am more empathic, sympathetic and caring than most men, I have been reassured by my T [therapist] that I do 'think like a man.'  However, I do think in shades of gray, and have the ability to compromise; whereas she thinks in black and white and her version of compromise is am I getting my way or is he getting his way -- there is no meeting in the middle.

I am glad that you are shielding your children [from a prior marriage] from your BF, and feel that you are independent -- my previous relationship with my ex gf who was NPD and possibly BPD too, I also felt the same way.  Like you, my previous GF was just GF material, not wife material, just as your current BF is only BF material.  I too tolerated emotional/verbal abuse.  There was limited amounts of physical abuse too; however, I push back on that and nipped it in the bud the moment it reared its ugly head.  [un]Fun Fact:  50% of women who batter, and 30-35% of men who batter, on this trait alone are diagnosable with BPD.

I am with you 100% on the infidelity part, that is the reason why I left my previous GF.  How I found out, was after fixing her computer when she had a computer virus, and after I removed the virus and restored her machine and was downloading the e-mails from the past several days for her when she was off line, one popped up from a dude in a different state -- she wound up standing him up, so I forgave her; but, I did warn her not to do it again, or I would leave...  well... she did it again, and I left [my wife knows the details, so she only uses divorce threats; but has also accused me of infidelity after she told me to do it -- crazy huh?  As far as I can tell, she hasn't done infidelity, yet].

I also knew that family, friends and acquaintances were colluding for me to get together with a different girl [who would eventually become my wife] -- basically I had several people in my life playing matchmaker for me.  I know their intentions were good; and it was *good* for the first few years; however, it then turned out to be hell shortly after marriage [first suicide attempt after honeymoon ended], and even more so when our first child was conceived -- look at some of my other posts for details.

With you reference to 'white knight ideology' a.k.a. 'caretaker'.  I agree that it is generally a good trait to have, unless there is BPD or something equally as f- up, when that is present, it is emotionally draining.

You wrote:  "I do believe [...] that I legitimately am his longest and most serious relationship: two years. Before me, he'd only had hookups and short (less than a year) relationships that ended poorly. I've also seemingly convinced him to start therapy."  What you describe is the 2nd symptom of BPD, a series unstable and failed relationships.  The good news is, people who are BPD [and not NPD], most of the time they can put their symptoms into remission, if they are 'self-aware' [I think my pwBPD is becoming 'self-aware']; likewise, if your BF is in therapy, there is a good chance that he is also 'self-aware' too -- about a 98% chance with a significant other such as yourself, or about a 65% if they are motivated to deal with it by themselves with a qualified therapist -- most T's aren't qualified with BPD.  Be sure that his therapists ideally specializes in BPD (alternatively 'high conflict'), go along with him, if allowed, so he can see your point of view and be of assistance in his recovery process.  Make sure your T(s) believe that BPD can be put into remission, as many recommend Divorce and that only puts the issue on someone else [their next partner]

That's what I have been trying with my wife, and our couple's T ghosted us, as I personally believe that the couple's T took my wife's convincing rewritten version of the narrative until too many of the classic symptoms/traits came up [my theory, but is consistent with the facts presented in the recent therapy sessions -- recent T sessions included her physical abuse towards me, projection of violence, verbal/emotional abuse (which I tolerated for far too long)  false child abuse allegations - in front of elementary school personnel no less who are obligated under law to report child abuse (but didn't happen because it wasn't abuse - but listening to her revised narrative, you would think it was), multiple threats of divorce, and most importantly how it affects our children among many other issues].

"We gentle souls tend to attract volatility, eh?"  Yes, I agree, that's the curse of the caretaker.

PearlsB4,

Good to know -- I think if my marriage eventually fails [hopefully I am the low point now], I will now be better equipped to recognize BPD/NPD and other PD's better too [I'm educating myself on it], and be able to better recognize persons with it and avoid it in the future.  However, I cannot let my children down, who are in this mess through no fault of their own, who are in this f- up toxic relationship that almost cost my daughter's life [when I was out to sea] and my son has some serious anger management issues too.  I think that I will always care for other people; however, I will be better equipped with the emotional tools that I am learning here, websites, YT, books, and T's to navigate those situations much better than I have done in the past -- I am learning from the mistakes that I unknowingly made, as I lacked the information to recognize the situations that I have been in -- this stuff isn't taught in schools, and was notably absent when I was raised, my wife was raised, and my ex GF was raised.