Hello miparent, welcome. You sound exhausted -- I hope you can find some rest here on the site.
15 is young for a BPD diagnosis, though I think I've heard that more and more professionals are open to identifying BPD in the under-18's. I bet there was a lot leading up to that. What prompted her getting the diagnosis?
Can I ask, is this sibling a new baby, older adopted child, other? And do you have other children besides "Laurie"? Trying to get a feel for the dynamics and also safety.
Over the past five months, Laurie has had multiple psych ER visits and a two-week partial hospitalization. Her therapist has admitted that their weekly therapy is not helping (after years). Arguments are frequent. Laurie is increasingly lashing out physically -- slapping and punching myself and her dad. She's made (false) statements to various people that resulted in CPS reports.
Is her T a DBT therapist? Would her T do an official referral for her to a longer inpatient setting, or more effective treatment?
She's spending a few days away from home to give everyone a chance to recover after the most recent incident.
That sounds wise to give everyone space to cool down. Is she staying with family, friends, other...? How is her behavior outside the house?
what kind of boundaries can I set to make sure I'm still taking care of myself AND not allowing myself to be treated alternately as a punching bag or vending machine for affection?
We've already made the following clear (and will put these in writing when she's back home):
- Any hitting will result in a 911 call (necessary because of CPS involvement).
- If a conversation turns to verbal abuse or insults (calling me a b****, telling me I'm a bad parent, etc.), I will walk away and the conversation is over.
- Parents are only available after 8PM for emergencies (to give us time to decompress).
Those seem like a good start as they are generally under your control and don't require your D15's cooperation. How do you think you'll play the 3rd one -- only available after 8? Are you able to go somewhere in the house where you are not accessible, or tag-team with your husband, or...?
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Couple of resources come to mind as I think about your situation. One is the NEA-BPD Family Connections course (free, online) that you can check out here:
https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/for those with a family member with BPD,
and the other is McLean hospital in Massachusetts:
https://www.mcleanhospital.org/which has a well regarded adolescent BPD program.
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I think you doing whatever you need to do to keep yourself regulated, calm, less stressed, and more relaxed -- self care -- is going to be crucial. I know the feeling of "impending doom" of dreading the return of a pwBPD. It's really difficult. So you taking space for yourself and saying No to prolonged involvement in drama/chaos will long-term be a good thing. It is so hard when it's your child and she's also a minor. You and your H are wise to look into more intensive treatment for her, as it reads to me like her low-skill approach to getting attention and care is signaling she wants you involved to help her... it's just that it's a really destructive approach.
Let us know how you guys are doing today. Reach out whenever you need to;
kells76
