Your post mirrors many here and I also understand the "pain of the breakup". Mine happened years ago and ironically during this time of year. She divorced me and left, and in spite of all the chaos, I wanted her to stay.
During the relationship, each of us tried our best to cope; sometimes in a more healthy way and sometimes to "escape" via alcohol and drugs. It's a self-medicating approach to escape, ironically something my "ex" did as well, to deal with BPD. Rather than being a clear "warning sign" that we can no longer cope and should leave, "self medicating" can become the norm and take us in a destructive long-term-direction that will live on, even after relationship has ended.
Though there is much written about BPD behavior and it does help with our understanding, like you I questioned how much of the dysfunction was because of "me". None of us are perfect, so it is easy to "accept blame" where maybe we shouldn't, but a result of our own internal unresolved issues, that pre-dated our relationship with a BPD.
Something you said resonated with me because I had found myself doing the same:
..."She appeared to always be a victim of others in her passed relationships and I wanted to help her with the kids..."The "I wanted to help" was me, formally called the "rescuer". I listened to her sad story and felt I could make her life better; illeviate her problems and (unconsciously in return), be respected; loved and cherished. That is the "rescuing scenario", and it usually ends up bad for two reasons:
- Uphappy/emotionally unhealthy people often search for a rescuer, expecting that person to make them happy. The "rescuer" feels sympathy and wants to help, instead of questioning why this person is chronically unhappy and always blaming others. The rescuer is inevitably blamed for not "living up" to the expectations of the "rescuee"
- The rescuer then not only sees the effort as a failure, but it can actually be self-reinforcing that as an individual, they cannot find love. One ends-up with an even greater sense of not being of much value, as we unconsciously seek this "value" from others instead of inherintly valuing ourselves
Now consider being a "rescuer type" in a relationship with an emotionally disordered person. The damage is intensified because of the inherint nature of these types of relationships. Yes I was in a very bad place when she first left. Besides not understanding her (I didn't know about BPD until after the divorce), emotionally I felt I failed again; that it was simply another example of not being a valued person. Between nearly total loss of "self worth", I suffered from essentially PTSD; was isolated from siblings/family/friends (because of the relationship), and found myself alone suffering emotionally and physically.
It is a slow process to recover from these types of relationships, even when we are reasonably emotionally healthy. Having our own issues can lenghten this process and it typically requires professional help, self-work and time. I realized I needed help and took the time to really work on "me" and my core issues. It is easy to blame them for what is obviously dysfunctional behavior. It is harder to look at one-self and understand our motivations, of which can be unhealthy and causing our own grief.
I wish I could say tomorrow you will wake up "all better", but I can say in my case, by immersing myself in the posts here and the described experience of others, it helped illeviate a lot of my pain, and really helped with my recovery (together with extended counseling). I knew nothing about BPD until after a 7-year relationship and her leaving. While in the early stages of my own grief, I found this site and it was blessing.
Keep posting and reading. It really does help.
All the Best