Surviving the Unrecovered Borderline Parent

[bethanny]

We are not ourselves in their eyes.  Separate, precious and wondrous human beings.  We are their security blankets, trophies or punching bags, considering the time of day or given day.

We are the trash receptacles for all the contempt they feel for themselves.  Now they have us to punish and push away to escape their own inner ego-monster of perfectionism.  They have us to tyrannize and push to be their perfect AVATARS or HOLOGRAMS so they can congratulate themselves for inspiring us and directing us there or get the payoff of punishing us for disappointing them when they invested so much faux-faith in us.

We are their p.r. department that promotes their impression management campaign which additionally cripples us since we are covering up their dark surreality with us.  While we create the illusion of their powerful goodness all the while the profound erosion of our spirit is taking place by them.

We have been so profoundly confused by them -- confused means “FUSED WITH” -- and at times we PITY them and try not to notice how much we FEAR them.  We hustle to be as convenient as possible in their world of paranoid, brittle hysteria.

We don’t understand their disorder.  We don’t understand the nature of their paranoia.  Trust with them is not global, not a long-standing reservoir of good will.  It is specific to a limited narcissistic moment with them.  It is earned by us second by second -- one more step on a tight rope with no net.

There is no resilience and capacity with them to accept us -- even for one tiny moment to accept us -- if they don’t understand us.  IF THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND US WE ARE A THREAT TO BE BULLIED AND PUNISHED TO GET IN LINE.  If we take the focus off their needs, even if we must since our ignored needs are rushing in and demanding attention, we become their ENEMY and they threaten us with all they have to get us back into line.

They are disordered.  They cannot see us.  They are the PLAYWRIGHTS, DIRECTORS and MAIN CHARACTERS of their life drama and everyone else in the cast must read from their scripts and be waiting in the wings for their cue to come on stage and circle them and it is their show.  Even if you have a bit part, you must be available at all times and watching their show and participating in their show and GOD help you if you want to star in your own life.  It is treason.  Improvisation is TREASON.  Invites total rejection.

If you blow your role, you are gone in a heartbeat.  Banned and shunned by them and they demand that the cast and crew shun you as well.  They act out on their stage themselves as an inconsolable victim of your selfishness.  They hook others to enable them and rescue them from cruel, heartless you who had been their main enabler seconds earlier.

You thought the role you had been playing at least meant something to the MAD GODDESS or GOD of the theater, enabling her or him in an oh-so-vulnerable and needy survival mode always.  But there is no will or comprehension in them to communicate with you because you are not nor ever were a fellow human being.  They are not capable of respect and intimacy, only affinity on THEIR TERMS.  THEY ARE WILLFUL, NARCISSISTIC TODDLERS, stuck in that arrested development.

You were a kind of machine that has now broken down and deserves their rage and replacement INSTANTLY.  They are not capable of hearing about you and your needs because they never were really all that important.  Sometimes they convinced you they cared, but that was in the role they were playing, not in their ego-controlled and numbed out heart as director and playwright.  You got suckered by the role they sometimes brilliantly performed, but, alas, it wasn’t real at base.  You got snookered.

You are bereft, because the only thing you have experienced was being the second-guessing security blanket, trophy or punching bag for the MAD GODDESS or GOD.  Your trauma is some Godawful baggage to sort out.  Alone and confused you are with your identity so beaten up.  Well beyond recognition.  Your capacity for trust is shot.  And you still don’t want to believe the tragedy or pathos of it all.  That is your albatross, your addiction still to the denial.

Scott Peck said it is evil to “tit suck from and control the same person” and that is what they did for years and years.  He also said recognizing “evil” -- and it is one helluva “evil disorder” this ubpd (unrecovered borderline personality disorder) -- in a parent is the hardest thing a child can do in a life time.  Most can’t and stay enthralled.

“Hope was the last temptation of Christ,” it has been said.  Look what happened to HIM!  Hope has to be surrendered by you for your own survival.  “Recovery is learning to let go of what you never had” another saying goes.  What a hard step that is.  Processing -- accepting -- your heart-breaking reality.

We were trained by them to over-identify with them to the exclusion of our own identities and basic needs in life.  They do deserve pity, but they have lost that right with us since we have been so victimized by their disorder.  They exploited our pity so unbelievably much and our basic need to be loved and cherished to keep us locked in our victimization.  Our sense of entitlement to our own God-given and satisfying life must be re-learned.  Somewhere back then we were hoping for their permission and blessing to build our own life, since they were playing God over us.  There is a God or Higher Power and that BEING is NOT them.  And that is the source of unconditional love for us as bereft adults now, not our lost parent.  That God is our parent’s parent, too.  Not us.  Not our job ...  and it never should have been.

* * *

[Imatter33]

Hello simular soul.

Thank you for your words that bring tears to my eyes. So much power in your words. I can tell the things you have worked through to get something like this out in the world.

I am 2 years NC. I sit here proud of how far I have come, but realize the damage done is a lifetime of work ahead.

I struggle all the time with thinking of the good parts of my mom's personality, thinking that the punishment does not fit the crime, but then I read your words...and I can put my mom in every scenario you created with your words. I am self-orphaned.

You are a wonderful writer.

[beatricex]

hi bethanny,
I always thought the "way out" was to not give them any supply.  Go grey rock, computer mode, be completly boring.

When they comment "I think your sister is a heroine addict" (or anything blasphemous they can think of to get your attention and to control you), you go "meh"

Hey, want to see my pet rock collection?

Deep inside our blood is boiling, yeah, of course, they're trying to literally get under our skin and crawl around in there.

But we don't let them.  Nope.  Not my job.

b

[bethanny]

Imatter33, thank you for your precious response. 

As you know, It was so formidably crazymaking, being a vulnerable and innocent child and being at the mercy of such wild personality swings with a parent we had to rely on for our survival. 

I blamed my alcoholic father for making her crazy at times and causing her to be so suddenly malicious at times.  The stress in their relationship.  I knew my father was unsafe personality-wise and with the alcoholism more firmly, and the idea of both of them being so profoundly disturbed was too much for me so I painted my mother as my father's victim, which she certainly did herself so frequently.  And at times my mother was lovely and nurturing.  That was such a crazymaking hook, that made me minimize horrifying irrational cruelty that erupted, not often, but was profoundly demoralizing and invalidating for me.

Both my parents would become irrationally malicious and then later seemed to have no memory or sense of accountability for having been so.  I wondered if those negative attributions being flung at me were their real impressions of me me rather than the non-invalidating moments when they treated me with more courtesy and decency.  My poor identity was slammed.  I was so confused. 

I had one sibling who was consistently bullying growing up.  Looking back I wonder if my mother fueled some of that bullying, or did he bully me because I was always so insecure and self-conscious because of the danger of my mother's sudden fury.  He enjoyed a double standard in terms of behavior, though my mother was easily histrionic about anything.  As we became older, I began to suspect my mother was feeding him negative comments about me since he became suspiciously impatient with me when it came to my mother's agenda for keeping me tethered to her needs.

Walking on egg shells was of course the way to go to try to prevent those rantings.  Of course, it didn't work but it was the best I could do.

NC is a hard but for me it was a necessary choice.  It still took me so long to uncover the truth and degree about my mother's pathology and with my siblings and family still denying my conclusion to varying degrees, I am still frustrated and saddened that my reality can't be validated by the people I was closest to and who enabled her, just as I enabled her crazymaking behavior of others like my father in our family.

NC was extra hard in that I needed to detach from the colossally unjust reaction of my mother to a modest assertion that was my adult right because of the lack of any loyalty demonstrated by my siblings and father to get my side of the story that had caused me to ultimately separate. 

I needed to be supported and I assumed at least some degree of support and interest that wasn't forthcoming.  At all.  It broke my heart. 

But my family did not want to explore my mother's troubling behavior and needed the illusion even as adults of her sanity.  Wanting to trust it.  Also, we had all been indoctrinated to hasten to calm her down and reassure her.

"I am self-orphaned."  How haunting and heart-breaking a declaration. But at same time, a self-affirming one.

Thank you.  My best to you in your quest for self-possession, dignity and unconditional self-love.

[bethanny]

beatricex,

You have the handle on surviving the borderline manipulation!  Thank you for the reminder.  Don't take the bait.  Don't take the escalated bait if the first bait doesn't do it.  Etc.

I had such uncomfortable experiences with a borderline manager for quite a few years (who blessedly resigned and is amazingly suddenly gone from my workplace) whose irrational malice to me was unsettling unto itself, but then extra triggered by my having grown up being tortured by a borderline parent since a baby.  Triggered my C-PTSD, one of which characteristics is to throw one back in a primitive, childlike state in terms of feelings of raw helplessness.

I struggle so with boundaries around people.  How to balance them.  I self-doubt my entitlement to have boundaries.  When others seem to presume too much on my time or focus I too easily self-doubt myself or too easily distrust them.  It is hard for me not to take a passive and avoidance route after all these years instead of doing what my borderline mother could not ever role model, healthy conflict resolution.  I miss out on opportunities of intimacy that honesty can bring with people.  When I do risk honesty, often the results are enlivening and so rewarding.

I isolate way too much at this stage in my life and it is painful, the loneliness, at times.  The low grade depressions.  Though for years I became overly-enmeshed with people, including toxic narcissistic ones, who prey on us who have had our boundaries violated so often and so profoundly.  I am grateful I am so wary of enmeshment.  I recognize much earlier potentially toxic people.

Detachment is a skill, as is attachment.  Sigh.

Take care of your precious self, and thanks, again!

[madeline7]

All I can say is wow.
Every line resonated with me. And your writing beautifully showcases the ugliness of this disorder. Reading your posts are cathartic for me. I'm currently struggling with an elderly uBPDm in the midst of a health crisis and your words are grounding for me. Thank you.

[Imatter33]

bethaany,

After so long struggling to identify the hardships of having a ubpd mom your post fills me with strength to continue.
It helps me identify why my wedding was a good day. The affinity piece, and not having anything on reserve with our parent, only fleeting narcissistic moments. Yes!
I’m so happy I could face that with her on that day looking back’

And the part about being replaced instantly.. once I stopped  enabling.

And finally the past about God. Whew.
This makes me feel more in control of my decisions than a year of therapy.

Much love.

[Mommydoc]

Your writing is beautiful and so authentically captures our shared lived experience.  Thank you for this post. Sending love and healing thoughts. 

[bethanny]

madeline7 -

thank you so much for your validation.  I am still taking care of my psychic wounds of having an unrecovered borderline mother and a narcissistic alcoholic father.  They have both passed on so I am not on the front-line so-to-speak, anymore, and my heart goes out to those who are weathering the boundary issues that get so tested in chaotic, dysfunctional ongoing scenarios.  One therapist once said it was like being on a never-ending roller coaster ride and you are just able to savor the moments of level riding before the terrifying plunges or struggling climb-ups to one's own attempted but to be ambushed soon again functionality.

My prayers go out to you. 

During my LC years after my estrangement I tried to offer support to both parents dealing with health and of course psychological challenges, especially serious health ones with my mother, though my father's drinking was a continuous health challenge since my childhood. 

I look forward to further sharings on this website.  It feels good to be around people who "get it" because they have experienced it or because they are not denying or minimizing what they did experience!

[bethanny]

lmatter33 -

It is indeed precious to speak so honestly about issues that I don't get to share about in real life very often, risking the discomfort or remoteness of others. 

I believe especially from the 12-step learning over the years that our recovery is a proactive process.  We must keep working at recovery or we slip into dysfunction again or more so.  We want to put that dysfunction-and-pain-proneness into a "remission" state. 

Sometimes I underestimate a low-grade depression I am feeling. Keep telling myself I need more sleep. 

Other times I think I am over-estimating my tiredness and loneliness.  Sometimes, when I am exposed to hearing of the stresses of others I count my blessings.  Or when I suddenly have to deal with an emergency in my own life, I realize how lucky I had been with a sustained relatively serene period before hand and I didn't appreciate it.

Also, sometimes when I engage with others I am startled to recognize how energized and serene I can suddenly become. 

Another quote from 12-step rooms is how recovery reduces our fear of other people.  I think that is my greatest negative legacy.  Fearing to trust others or trust myself with others.  Will they respect my boundaries or can I defend my own boundaries?  When those emotional roller coaster rides driven by one's parents were so traumatizing.

Thanks for the engagement and support.

xxx

[bethanny]

mommydoc,

Thank you so much for your precious validation. 

I remember writing this essay and it was a real victory for me.  I had just finished reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson.  I heartily recommend it. I could barely put it down until I was done.

I felt some degree of guilt over my anger in my essay since pity was such a huge factor in my relationship with my mother.  But anger I see as one of the 5 stage of grief and a "conversion" bridge to acceptance and awareness.

I used to say in the 12-step rooms that my own inner child was somewhere hidden deep inside me but banging on the pipes for some respect and attention as I continued to ignore her.  That would plunge me into periodic depressions.  The more I ignored that inner child, the deeper my pain.

I am working on my breathing lately through daily meditation.  I realize growing up I was a shallow breather.  It felt too dangerous to exhale around my unrecovered borderline personality mother. I often held my breath.  I had to be hypervigilant and constantly trying to decipher clues as to what was expected of me. Too bad. Less oxygen to the brain. Our patterns persist through our lives. 

I look forward to further sharings here.  Thanks for responding.

xxx

[Methuen]

Wow Bethany.  Just wow.

I'm not sure how long it took you to create that.  It's brilliant.  Truthful, evocative, genuine, and so eloquent.

I'm hoping that makes it somewhere permanent on this site.  For me it's a reminder that I'm not just in a small boat with other people who get it, but we're all on a big ship together weathering similar storms.

Thanks for sharing.

One therapist once said it was like being on a never-ending roller coaster ride and you are just able to savor the moments of level riding before the terrifying plunges or struggling climb-ups to one's own attempted but to be ambushed soon again functionality.

Yes to that metaphor.  Right now I'm currently in the level ride, and I can't appreciate it because
I know the terrifying plunge is coming, but I can't see it, and don't know when it's going to happen.

[bethanny]

Metheun,

Thank you once again for your lovely support.

For me it's a reminder that I'm not just in a small boat with other people who get it, but we're all on a big ship together weathering similar storms.

Scott Peck once wrote that "the family" is the base camp for people growing up, climbing the proverbial "mountain of life."  But he acknowledged that some people need a base camp for their base camp when it has become seriously dysfunctional.

This website certainly qualifies as a base camp! 

I used the 12 step program as a base camp after I became estranged from my family.

Base camps are important.

We who are still striving to recover from the chronic trauma we endured growing up dependent on traumatized persons who were in charge of our lives and who neglected and irrationally punished us as they had been neglected and punished have a lifelong and ongoing formidable challenge. 

Since my parents have passed on, and I had to contend with my final stage participating in their lives with the challenges of LC, I am not faced with the issue of negotiating their challenges against my boundaries and my efforts to sustain emotional balance.  Though I see today I have a kind of ongoing and unhealthy LC policy often with humanity in general because of the damage to my capacity to sustain boundaries and trust. That policy at times serves me but I believe promotes an unhealthy degree of isolation and loneliness.

I am sorry for your current roller coaster. With living parents and in any degree of contact negotiating one's family role and a sense of responsibility to that puts one on the so to speak "front line".  A front row seat in that unpredictable but reliably traumatizing roller coaster.

The role of child. The mandate for obedience to a parent figure learned in our culture. The importance of being a responsible -- "ability to respond" -- human being existing in our very consciences which is on the whole a very healthy thing. 

Scott Peck said, a toxic parent wants to tit-suck from you like a needy baby but also control you at the same time. With the primitive and narcissistic infantile will. That is so not fair.  So impossibly not fair.  Peck even called it EVIL. (His book is called "People of the Lie.")

Toxic families are mini-cults.  We sustained ongoing multiple crazymaking manipulations. And in this life, there are plenty of crazy manipulating traps in dealing with fellow humans, humans who are damaged and capable of wounding or being wounded by others, often both, both inside and outside one's family. Traps for us as children, traps for as as "adult children".

Staying awake and aware not for the faint of heart.

Stay awake.  Stay safe, my friend!

xxx

[Imatter33]

 Repost.
With holiday FOG on full blast, I was coming here today to see what i've been up too in old posts and conclusions drawn.

bethaany's words stopped me for the second time.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Wow, I missed this post, initially. So powerful! Thanks for bringing it back to light. Beautifully written, a good memento to what we've all been through.

[zachira]

An exceptionally clairvoyant post! Thank you Bethanny!

[madeline7]

Wow X 2
This was a necessary reminder, especially in light of the holidays and ongoing internal should I or shouldn't I go see my Mom.