BPD Daughter-in-law

[esAil]

This is my first post and our son is someone we don't understand anymore. We had a fantastic relationship with him but now he finds fault with us. He had never criticized us until he married his wife who has BPD. My husband feels as if he as lost his best friend. It is so painful that unlike other posts we are going to discuss this directly with him because the hurt is too much for us to handle. He is in denial and his world is only her and he doesn't seem to know he is getting bullied. We now fear for our health and as much as we love him it is hard to be disrespected and second guess ourselves because we know we were good parents. What makes spouses roll over, like our son, and lose themselves? My son was an outgoing, talented, seemingly well put together child who very successful and perhaps he thinks he can save her. She threatened suicide and admitted herself into a mental hospital and he had to ask her permission for his father to fly out and see him which she denied because that day she felt better only to regress again a few days later. I feel so bad for all in the posts that I have read and at this point I can't imagine how I would feel if they toyed with us when they have children. I won't let myself go through that sort of roller coaster tide. Truth is truth. My biggest question is do those with BPD know they are hurting everyone? My daughter-in-law was the top in her class and love-bombed us at first and seemed to love us as we did her and then she went to work. Is there evil there? Nothing can prepare you for this! Alise 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SaltyDawg]

Alise,

   Welcome to the 'family'.

   I am very triggered by your post, as I can relate to a lot, from the perspective from your son.  Today, is the 22nd anniversary when I started to date my uBPDw [undiagnosed borderline wife].  I will try to offer additional perspective of what your son may potentially be into you from my own personal experience of being in that particular situation - it is scary.  Sit down, take a deep breath, and read on...

This is my first post and our son is someone we don't understand anymore. We had a fantastic relationship with him but now he finds fault with us. He had never criticized us until he married his wife who has BPD.
I never openly criticized my parents either.  However, I did harbor a few 'inner child' type issues, such as an abandonment issue when they sent me away in high school for a couple of years to a boarding school.  My brother had mental health issues diagnosed ADHD, so I perceived it as favoritism towards him.  Even though I wasn't neglected I still developed codependent tendencies which has been detrimental to me in which I have become a caretaker of the borderline, not once, but twice.

My husband feels as if he as lost his best friend. It is so painful that unlike other posts we are going to discuss this directly with him because the hurt is too much for us to handle. He is in denial and his world is only her and he doesn't seem to know he is getting bullied.
Being bullied with pleasure is how I like to view it, at least initially.  Borderlines, as they are dysfunctional emotionally, especially females, will often use sex to entice [entrap] their favorite person with hypersexual behavior, that was the case for me in both instances.  Eventually this will change [a few months (1st relationship), to half a decade (current relationship, I am the only one that I know of that had it for this long after doing extensive research on it) - typically this portion lasts less than two years, often less than a year]; however, as long as it is going on, he is likely hooked - I know I was.  They also have a fear of abandonment, and they will demand more and more time of your son to the point where he will neglect his friendships, and perhaps his family too in an attempt to please her.  If he is a people pleaser type [I am], this is a very dangerous combination.

We now fear for our health and as much as we love him it is hard to be disrespected and second guess ourselves because we know we were good parents. What makes spouses roll over, like our son, and lose themselves? My son was an outgoing, talented, seemingly well put together child who very successful and perhaps he thinks he can save her.
See my previous answer of being 'pussy whipped'.  Saving her, is the same as pleasing her.

She threatened suicide and admitted herself into a mental hospital and he had to ask her permission for his father to fly out and see him which she denied because that day she felt better only to regress again a few days later.
Mine tried 6 times and ideates too on occasion.  Never admitted herself.  My pwBPD used these attempts as a manipulation tactic to control me.  The behavior patterns are cyclic.

I feel so bad for all in the posts that I have read and at this point I can't imagine how I would feel if they toyed with us when they have children. 
Having children will only make things worse, a lot worse.  The children will also likely have mental health issues of their own.  This is not a good combination, but a likely one to occur.  Also if your son's wife is hypersexual with him, it is likely that she suffered some kind of sexual trauma [abuse] as a child or teen from a close relative.  When he goes from lover to father, she may become hyposexual [mine did] and then major relationship issues are likely to develop, this can manifest itself in many different ways.  So, be prepared for this, he may come back to you as an emotional wreck - make sure you welcome him back unconditionally, and then get him into therapy by someone who specializes in the borderline - very hard to find.

I won't let myself go through that sort of roller coaster tide. Truth is truth.
It is good that you are setting boundaries; however, make sure that you son knows them.  As much as you say that, if it is your blood there, you may want to come up with a few alternative plans that will help your son out while isolating his wife from him.  Using the carrot method to do this is preferable over the stick method, especially with emotional injuries that he will likely have sustained. 

My biggest question is do those with BPD know they are hurting everyone?   No, I don't believe they do know they are hurting anyone - most have the emotional maturity of a 2-4 year old, with the intellect of an adult.  In both of my experiences, they do it unintentionally, and they are not self-aware.

My daughter-in-law was the top in her class and love-bombed us at first and seemed to love us as we did her and then she went to work.
My uBPDw was valedictorian.  She kept her issues hidden from me until after two weeks after our honeymoon finished when her first major attempt at manipulation occurred with an attempted suicide when I didn't do things her way.  She straightened up with threats of abandonment on my part; however, once she knew I was there to stay after we became pregnant with our first child, it got really bad after that.  I didn't know what BPD, or even heard of it until this year -- today is our 22nd anniversary from the time we started dating with her seduction of me.  I was love bombed for 5 years before being devalued for the next 17.

Is there evil there?
Maybe.  If there is a NPD [narcissistic] component, then yes, this was my first relationship.  If she is a pure BPD, then no [at least in my case] - it is a very difficult, but treatable mental illness only if she is self-aware and is willing to do the therapy work on herself.

Nothing can prepare you for this! Alise 
I agree, and I did my homework, still wasn't enough, and I am above average in intelligence.  However, since I have become aware of what I am going through from an astute therapist, I have to shift mentally to deal with it.  It is a huge learning curve.  Many of these situations end in nasty divorces, or requires a tremendous amount of work including 'radical acceptance', most cannot do this.  There are a lot of resources available, BPD Family is one of the best out there.  If you need more information, please feel free to reply and ask more questions.