Betrayal Trauma -- Feeling so broken

[Unicorn_84]

It has been almost a year now, and I feel like I can finally share my story. This story surrounds a lot of shame and guilt on my part, and I know I still suffer from it many regards. We were together for almost 10 years, bought a house together, had a dog, pretty much married … early on she did tell me she was diagnosed with BPD as a teenager (I didn’t want to assume that it was still the case, because what teenager doesn’t exhibit similar symptoms of BPD), but then she then got re-diagnosed officially, before things ended. Also, we rarely fought till the end (and one other period in our relationship, the first time she emotionally cheated), so I have my theories she is more the “quiet BPD/high functioning”. I forgot to preface this story with… my mom was a teacher over 35 years, thus, I have a soft spot for kids (being abused) and I have heard horror stories about what would happen to kids. Additionally, I even had a teacher take me in for 2 weeks while my mom was out of town, and she took me to and from school, so, I REALLY wanted to believe my ex had good intentions. Also, since then this story has happened, I have sought out legal counsel to see if there was/is any legal actions I should take, and due to the fact, I never saw anything it was just more of a “feeling” there is technically nothing I can report on. And also, in my state I live in, the age of consent is also, 17 but as we know being in a position of power is a different story and what the district does is their decision.

It all start when my ex who was a teacher brought a student (17 y/o) into our lives. I was told this young lady (I’ll call her M) struggled with her sexuality and her parents were highly religious and completely were homophobic individuals, and additionally verbally and emotionally abused her.  My ex took to this girl, and made it seem like she wanted to give her a safe haven (which I totally understood, as explain above my natural sympathies). But small things started to feel weird to me. My ex couldn’t put down her phone down, and by this, I mean, she was incessantly texting, and there even came a point I asked her to put her phone down and dedicate time for us, and she said “no, I don’t want to.” We were in couple’s therapy and I brought this up and other actions, but my ex would gaslight us both making us think this girl needed someone and there was NO ONE M could turn to, no one she could trust as an adult (due to her parents). My ex now got this girl at our gym a job so, she could make some extra money, but also have a place to work out and not be at home. I started feeling guilty because more stories would come up, and that I wasn’t doing enough to support this girl, I told my ex I would do my best to try to get to know this young lady and be a mentor/big sister/etc for her (since my ex would be deploying soon), and that way she had another adult she could trust. I tried to get to know this girl, took her out to coffee, and lunch to get to know her. But something about her did rub me right, but I kept trying to reach out. She was very dismissive with me, one-word replies, and very standoffish, but with other adults she was rather mature and cordial. I brought this up to my ex and she just dismissed it, or said she’d talk to her, but still, something didn’t feel right. Finally, I told my ex, “I think she has a crush on you”… I kept telling her, but she’d just keep dismissing it.

But as days went on, my ex seemed to lean more and more into M and I started to feel like an inconvenience in my ex’s life. And the more I brought it up, the more she’d gaslight me with the sh*tty things happening to this girl in her home or my ex would give me a glimpse I was still "supposedly" important to her…. I would be told things like her parents weren’t feeding her or allowing her to bathe at certain times, etc. So, my ex continued to leaning in more and more and I thought if took some of her “burden” away regarding M she’d come back to me. But then… I started seeing flirting happening… from the young lady, RIGHT IN FRONT of me, with my ex, and again I’d bring it up, it would get dismissed. Oh, I also forgot, M's parents began to track her location and wanted to get access to her text messages (which you could only think what went on in my head).

When asking for my ex's time, I’d get comments like, “I have a finite amount time, M has a finite amount of time, but you’ll be here when I get back” when all I'd ask for was quality time or connection with her. Finally, Thanksgiving rolls around, and this was the first Thanksgiving my partner didn’t give two sh*ts if I was around, but I so badly just want to be picked… finally, we got home and I lost it… M was requested to grab us from the airport, but both of their actions were something else… I called her out on her selfishness, and that all she cares about is M, and completely disregarding me and she admitted to all her actions leading up to this point and said I was right and I told her I needed space and I was gonna stay with a friend for a few days (this was Friday), but the soonest I could leave was Sunday. She said she needed to get out (Saturday) clear her head and go for a hike alone... obviously, I had no problems with this… the one request I had made was for her not to go with M. Guess who she went with, and tried to lie about it and again (and even M lied to me)… I called her out on it, WTF??? I finally left for space officially (her telling me she'll figure this out, and she wants to make this work for us), I’m gone for almost a whole week, and at the end of the week I go visit my mom. I get picked up from the airport and something feels REALLY off and I start asking questions, and finally I asked her did you find out if M has a crush on you/attracted to you… she said "yes," and then I asked her do you, she said YES, and I was like did you tell her, and she said YES! I was like are you f’ing kidding me, you know this is your life, my life, our life, your career! And I have a text of her saying she cheated again (to me), and supposedly admitted that to her mom. Obviously, I was so hurt, but was still too emotionally weak to leave. Of course, the apologies came out, the words of I’ll fix this, I want to fix this, I messed up, EVERYTHING we all seen or heard before… but here I was so alone and isolated and who can I share or talk to about this. Then came her severe anxieties… they started to set in… she could barely eat (physically sick), would have panic attacks at home and school, tinnitus, etc and I went from be put in a compromising position/angry/betrayed feeling to I have to take care of this person I so love and adore and I begin to worry about her, and forget about me! But as the days went on, she became more and more disassociated from me --I think it was her coping mechanisms from the anxieties she felt from what she had caused to happened (but a year later, I wonder if something more actually happened, more than emotionally cheating, because of how severe her anxiety symptoms were). Days went on, disconnection, the person I loved so much and adored... was gone, was slipping away, and I was grasping for anything... she still cared/loved me, that I mattered, etc… and then I remembered the one last thing left from Gottman triangle of a good/healthy relationship was commit (since she destroyed the trust calm portion). I asked her if she wanted to commit, and she started with an IDK, and eventually moved to no, but then when she said that, I somehow I had the courage and said, “okay, there’s nothing left and we need to start splitting our things up.” I already knew I had been paddling solo for quite some time, but now I was literally drowning in this boat with no life preserver. And this is when I finally walked away. Obviously there’s more that had happened over the next few days/weeks, but I FINALLY moved out.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the saga, but there was something that literally would happen once a month that has stunted my healing process (and it has been almost a year now). Whether it is something my ex has done, or believe it or not M as well! The lies she ended up telling others (M for sure, and IDK with my ex), or M trying to contacting me several times, and also I’m pretty certain sending me threatening anonymous texts (because when my ex and were truly done, I haven’t gotten another text since). But the months that laid ahead I wasn’t prepared for. And when I say that something happened every single month since said she didn’t want to commit and wanted be “selfish and work on herself”, I am not lying to you, something has happened EVERY month. Whether it was something directly with my ex or M or M+ex. I don’t want to rant more than I have to you guys with how the dominos continued to fall.

Coming to almost today, about a month ago, my biggest fear came true and pain of the truth. My ex (now 34) was met by no other than M (now 18) at the airport from her deployment, and I heard that M was trying to hold hands with her while my ex’s hands were behind her back. And my ex isn’t one to hide simple affections, so this again was curious/odd to me. Both are somehow moving to the exact same state. So, that was the first stab in the gut, but the kick in the stomach was … I got a call from an investigator from the school district stating “LK (my ex’s initials) was having an inappropriate relationship with a student (M), and that I have some information on this situation.”

I guess I finally here sharing writing you all because I am no longer fearful of my ex’s actions and choices would have on me (since I tried to also create a safe environment for M… initially) and my life. I talked to legal counsel, friends in law enforcement, etc to ensure my safety with her choices. So, I am finally here to try to understand (give you all just the tip of the iceberg)… how this could happen? I can't understand how she just didn’t give an F for me, for us, none of it! Went from acknowledgement, to stating she did not cheat (literally said I did not cheat few months after)… I just don’t understand any of it, and it literally tears me apart. And the girl too, she literally gave no sh*ts, either, it was like I was an obstacle initially, but once she tested the opening and it wasn’t shot down, she just continued right along despite everything I had done for her, too. I just don’t know where to start or how to start healing, I’m just in this vicious cycle of emotional self-depreciation, and rumination. I can logically talk myself through it for a minute, but then it haunts me. I feel so broken. I am seeing a counselor, I am trying to take the steps to heal, but I feel so lost and just heartbroken, and lost.