Inquisitive1,
Welcome back to the family.
Since I didn't recognize you, I looked at your posting history... I see other than a minor jealousy incident in 2020 [driving a co-worker to a mechanic], things have been 'smooth enough' since October 2018 where you have not posted, why?
I am going to be the inquisitive one as to how you were able to make it too smoothly without couple's counseling until now? What has worked for you in the past half decade?
Circling back to your questions, I would suggest individual therapy for yourself first, to unpack your emotions, and also to find an 'effective' couple's therapist that can manage a 'high conflict' relationship, and encourage her to seek out her own individual therapist to address her 'anger management' issues.
I see that you are contemplating separation/divorce so there must be something more than a music list and her getting upset over you not downloading it. It also sounds like you are having more of these arguments as you mentioned three similar incidents in the past week [which seems excessive]. What do you think this is, and why are you thinking of such drastic action?
I am going to take a blind, but educated guess, based on the extremely limited information you supplied...
The central hallmark of BPD is 'abandonment', are business trips something new for you in your family dynamic - I can see where this would trigger a fear of abandonment in an insecure wife? Did you change a job, where would you be around her less? What changed to cause a change in your wife?
Regarding the apologies. I would apologize for making her feel that way; however, I would not apologize for your actions - kind of like a half
$$ apology.
Can you tell us a bit more about your story?
Be sure to do self-care and also to take care.
SD
