dBPDw Needs to Change some

[Inquisitive1]

Lately my dBPDw has been getting very angry at me over small things and I'm at the point where she has to stop or I have to leave. It just happened as I was packing for a 5-day trip. I'm going use the trip to plan my approach. My current thinking, is when i get back I'm going to tell her that she needs to see a therapist with me or alone and work on getting less angry at me. If she won't do that, then i'm going to look into separation. But, I'm not going to say anything about separation/divorce until i have a fully formed plan. In this post, i'm looking for advice on confronting her about the anger.

Here's what happened tonight, this sort of thing has happened three times in the last week. This evening we watched Hateful 8, had a nice time. I put packing for my trip on hold to watch with her. Afterwards, I started sorting my meds to take with me on the trip. While I was doing that, she texted me a song list, and I said thanks. Then she asked me to download it, I said I didn't think i can because I dont have apple music. I mentioned i was trying fill my pill tray for the third time, but she kept coming at me. I sighed out of frustration. She got very angry, yelling in my face about how I needed to treat her better. How it made her feel bad when I sighed. This went on for a dozen minutes. Finally, I apologized, though I don't think what I did warranted an apology, to smooth things over. She went to her room. Later she came out and lectured me again, made me apologize multiple times again, mentioned divorce again.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

Inquisitive1,

   Welcome back to the family.

   Since I didn't recognize you, I looked at your posting history... I see other than a minor jealousy incident in 2020 [driving a co-worker to a mechanic], things have been 'smooth enough' since October 2018 where you have not posted, why?

   I am going to be the inquisitive one as to how you were able to make it too smoothly without couple's counseling until now?  What has worked for you in the past half decade?

   Circling back to your questions, I would suggest individual therapy for yourself first, to unpack your emotions, and also to find an 'effective' couple's therapist that can manage a 'high conflict' relationship, and encourage her to seek out her own individual therapist to address her 'anger management' issues.

   I see that you are contemplating separation/divorce so there must be something more than a music list and her getting upset over you not downloading it.  It also sounds like you are having more of these arguments as you mentioned three similar incidents in the past week [which seems excessive].  What do you think this is, and why are you thinking of such drastic action?

   I am going to take a blind, but educated guess, based on the extremely limited information you supplied...

   The central hallmark of BPD is 'abandonment', are business trips something new for you in your family dynamic - I can see where this would trigger a fear of abandonment in an insecure wife?  Did you change a job, where would you be around her less?  What changed to cause a change in your wife?

   Regarding the apologies.  I would apologize for making her feel that way; however, I would not apologize for your actions - kind of like a half $$ apology.

   Can you tell us a bit more about your story?

   Be sure to do self-care and also to take care.

SD