I want to connect to this community badly now, I feel so lonely

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I think, I've been trying to deal with too much on my own, because I've done so well at it in the past at it. I've been trying to deal with my Dad too strictly, because I've been scared, and so uptight because of it. I've suffered a lot of loss, and betrayal, so it's hard to trust, and I'm not going to dump about it all, because I feel like that would sabotage me and I've said a lot of this in the past.

I know a lot of people here have tried to relate and help me, I just find it so hard to connect to people. What helps you connect with your pain to others here? Does reading other people's stories here help you not feel so alone in the pain? I tend to rescue people, so I've been avoiding that, but I think maybe I could connect to people on a different level to feel less alone in it. Like maybe by understanding them, I can understand myself more? Maybe I can just read their stories and tell mine a bit and then relate a little bit to each person, without needing all the right words to help them feel exactly better? Because honestly, I'm so short on the right words to encourage everyone right now, it's hard enough to encourage myself.

Anyways, I know there's a lot of people going through a lot of pain here too, and the mods here are experienced at dealing with these issues. I think you know, people here aren't perfect, but it's probably a place I can trust more than I have feeling like I can?

[NarcsEverywhere]

I think, I've been trying to deal with too much on my own, because I've done so well at it in the past at it. I've been trying to deal with my Dad too strictly, because I've been scared, and so uptight because of it. I've suffered a lot of loss, and betrayal, so it's hard to trust, and I'm not going to dump about it all, because I feel like that would sabotage me and I've said a lot of this in the past.

I know a lot of people here have tried to relate and help me, I just find it so hard to connect to people. What helps you connect with your pain to others here? Does reading other people's stories here help you not feel so alone in the pain? I tend to rescue people, so I've been avoiding that, but I think maybe I could connect to people on a different level to feel less alone in it. Like maybe by understanding them, I can understand myself more? Maybe I can just read their stories and tell mine a bit and then relate a little bit to each person, without needing all the right words to help them feel exactly better? Because honestly, I'm so short on the right words to encourage everyone right now, it's hard enough to encourage myself.

Anyways, I know there's a lot of people going through a lot of pain here too, and the mods here are experienced at dealing with these issues. I think you know, people here aren't perfect, but it's probably a place I can trust more than I have feeling like I can?

[Pook075]

For me, it's reading other people's stories and realizing, I'm not nuts- this is actually a thing and many others have been through the exact same stuff.  Understanding BPD better has also been a huge relief because it explains the "why" in those situations where nothing seemed to make sense.

In my case, my ex became very distant, stopped talking to me completely, and left after a short conversation one day.  I was completely perplexed, and I told my adult kids that this should be something very simple to work through, we just needed to talk and put in more effort.  Yet my wife thought I was nuts, how could I not see the trauma she'd been through?

Before long, my kids started to turn on me saying how horrible I was to my wife in the past.  Yet when I pressed for details, they were pretty scarce.  One was, "Remember back in 2003 when you didn't want to go to Thanksgiving with us?  That was really messed up what you did to mom."  And that hurt me deeply, until I actually thought back to that day and realized my wife was flipping out over everything, treating me like crap, etc.  I had blocked all that out and just naturally assumed the blame for everything my wife was saying at face value.

It took me months to realize it, but that final month where my wife broke my heart, she was splitting and revisiting the absolute worst times we had over the past 24 years.  It was on a loop in her mind and she couldn't handle it, so she completely shut down from the pain and trauma.  On the outside, nothing happened...we didn't fight, argue, or anything like that.  She just broke mentally and never recovered.

It's crazy, seven and a half months later, my marriage could still be saved by a single real conversation.  We still haven't had that because she's too unstable when she's around me or even thinks of me.  I personally went through the grieving process as well and experienced all the emotions- desperation, anger, depression, heartbreak, etc.  But I finally settled on sympathy and compassion, it's not my wife's fault that she can't process this or that she has BPD.

I got there in maybe 5 or 6 months total, and I don't think I'd be anywhere near this mindset if it wasn't for the community here.  It also helped me a bunch to talk to members who came after me and be able to tell them that what they're experiencing is normal, even though the outside world can't understand one bit of it.

I encourage you to keep reaching out to the community, share what you want to share, and realize that you're not alone in any of this.  BPD sucks.  Just remember that you're anonymous here and nobody's going to judge you.  We all made mistakes and there's no way to take them back...but EVERYONE makes mistakes.  If we were in normal relationships, then it would be talked out, forgiven, and forgotten.  It's not our fault that that's not always possible in BPD relationships.

[cranmango]

Reading the stories of others has been cathartic for me, too. At first, I was shocked to see how similar my story with my ex is to many of the stories here. Before discovering this community, I felt such shame about my failed relationship. I blamed myself for the relationship's struggles, and I had trouble making sense of it all.

The stories posted here have helped me find clarity. It has helped me start to put the pieces of my life back together. And it has helped me rediscover hope.

I've booked mark some of the posts that particularly resonate with me. I read them daily. When I find myself 'stuck' in old thought patterns, it helps to bring me back to reality.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Cranmango,

Thanks for the tips, yes I'd like to read more stories sometime, I think it'd help me heal. Good ideas, glad it's helping you too.

[SinisterComplex]

Hey Cranmango,

Thanks for the tips, yes I'd like to read more stories sometime, I think it'd help me heal. Good ideas, glad it's helping you too.

There is a plethora of stories to immerse yourself into. Each board has its own culture here as well. So I recommend looking through each board and seeing if you can find different stories which you can connect with. Additionally, also look into our wealth of content in our library...

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-