Don’t know what to do

[Busterbrot]

The honeymoon phase ended almost 3 years ago, and there’s been one true recycle, on the verge of another.

I’ve attempted to explain that I can’t be her friend, because my feelings are too strong, but she said she needs “more time” to figure things out, as she continues to date another. Side note, I’m also dating someone else but feel I’ve made it clear that I would like to get back together with her if given the chance (she’s still my preference). Even seeing this is writing makes me feel insane. I’ve tried multiple times to get closure from her (why do I need her approval?) and to persuade her to agree that we’re done, but she insists that she wants me in her life, and also tells me she is on the verge of breaking it off with her current partner.

I realize the situation I’m in, and have tried multiple times to draw a line in the sand, but I’m not strong enough to follow through. Either she re-engages, or I become weak and seek her out. I keep saying “we’re done!” And helplessly wander back afterwards, which I know isn’t healthy for either her or me. I do believe she is sincere, insofar as she can be, and that we do have a special connection that has bridged multiple other partners that we’ve both had over the past 3 years, but maybe that’s a fairy tale. What is for certain is that I’m at a breaking point. I yearn for her texts and calls. Sometimes they come, sometimes they don’t. I am wondering if I just need to press the block button and commit to following through. I don’t know if I’m strong enough right now to just NC, as I will constantly be anticipating the next time she will get in touch.

I realize my attempts to end it have mostly been a controlling means to get her to come back, and it has worked to a degree, but is not healthy. We both seem to agree that we’re very special to each other, but we just go in circles and it is maddening.

I have a successful life and career, and for the most past think I’m on the up and up, but the fact that I’m engaged in this tells me that I’ve got issues that need resolved.

Do I block her and move on? I’m a helpless romantic who wants to keep hope alive, but I’m aware of the gravity of my situation.

[Mutt]

Hey Busterbrot,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. You mentioned.NC, there's also minimal contact which helps with the anxiety levels and detaching. Some members have to remain in contact because of child custody.

I'd think about the boundaries if that was a choice, for example, I'll remain in minimal contact but I won't share personal details about my current romantic life etc. That way it assuages the anxiety while you're detaching as previously mentioned
 

Also a lot members have had multiple r/s recycles, you're not alone.

I would self reflect and think about what you want. You create a list with pros and cons with pursuing a r/s with your expwBPD.

[tina7868]

I realize the situation I’m in, and have tried multiple times to draw a line in the sand, but I’m not strong enough to follow through. Either she re-engages, or I become weak and seek her out. I keep saying “we’re done!” And helplessly wander back afterwards, which I know isn’t healthy for either her or me. I do believe she is sincere, insofar as she can be, and that we do have a special connection that has bridged multiple other partners that we’ve both had over the past 3 years, but maybe that’s a fairy tale. What is for certain is that I’m at a breaking point. I yearn for her texts and calls. Sometimes they come, sometimes they don’t. I am wondering if I just need to press the block button and commit to following through. I don’t know if I’m strong enough right now to just NC, as I will constantly be anticipating the next time she will get in touch.

I realize my attempts to end it have mostly been a controlling means to get her to come back, and it has worked to a degree, but is not healthy. We both seem to agree that we’re very special to each other, but we just go in circles and it is maddening.

I have a successful life and career, and for the most past think I’m on the up and up, but the fact that I’m engaged in this tells me that I’ve got issues that need resolved.

Do I block her and move on? I’m a helpless romantic who wants to keep hope alive, but I’m aware of the gravity of my situation.

Hi Busterbot! From what you wrote, you seem self aware not only regarding the nature of the relationship with your ex, but also regarding your own tendencies and patterns. That is very important when wanting to create change.

As Mutt proposed, there is an option in-between actively remaining friends and no contact: minimal contact with boundaries. How do you feel about this option?

You seem to oscillate between being ´done´ and wanting to hear from her. What if you accepted whatever your state of being was at the present moment, without judgement? That could allow for you to sit with your feelings, without the added guilt or shame of feeling like you shouldn't feel how you feel.

You also mention that sometimes her replies come, and sometimes they don't. I relate to how this can not only make you confused, but also, in a way, addicted. I've read about this type of dynamic being compared to a slot machine: sometimes you ´win´ with active engagement, other times you ´lose´ with silence. I can tell you that, short of disengaging all together, detaching from the outcome can do wonders. It is a practice of reminding yourself that her actions are out of your control, and all you can do is show up as a version of yourself that you stand behind.

There is a lot of exploring to do! Put yourself first, and learning more about yourself by asking yourself questions will yield positive results whatever the outcome is with regards to your relationship with your ex.

[Don Gato]

 Ultimately it comes down to your own free will. How much abuse can you take before you determine that life is way too short to pour all you have into a black hole of mental illness madness for nothing? The old saying is always true "Exes are exes for a reason" Unfortunately some of us codependent types seemed to have skipped that memo. 
"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" George Santayana

The honeymoon phase ended almost 3 years ago, and there’s been one true recycle, on the verge of another.

I’ve attempted to explain that I can’t be her friend, because my feelings are too strong, but she said she needs “more time” to figure things out, as she continues to date another. Side note, I’m also dating someone else but feel I’ve made it clear that I would like to get back together with her if given the chance (she’s still my preference). Even seeing this is writing makes me feel insane. I’ve tried multiple times to get closure from her (why do I need her approval?) and to persuade her to agree that we’re done, but she insists that she wants me in her life, and also tells me she is on the verge of breaking it off with her current partner.

I realize the situation I’m in, and have tried multiple times to draw a line in the sand, but I’m not strong enough to follow through. Either she re-engages, or I become weak and seek her out. I keep saying “we’re done!” And helplessly wander back afterwards, which I know isn’t healthy for either her or me. I do believe she is sincere, insofar as she can be, and that we do have a special connection that has bridged multiple other partners that we’ve both had over the past 3 years, but maybe that’s a fairy tale. What is for certain is that I’m at a breaking point. I yearn for her texts and calls. Sometimes they come, sometimes they don’t. I am wondering if I just need to press the block button and commit to following through. I don’t know if I’m strong enough right now to just NC, as I will constantly be anticipating the next time she will get in touch.

I realize my attempts to end it have mostly been a controlling means to get her to come back, and it has worked to a degree, but is not healthy. We both seem to agree that we’re very special to each other, but we just go in circles and it is maddening.

I have a successful life and career, and for the most past think I’m on the up and up, but the fact that I’m engaged in this tells me that I’ve got issues that need resolved.

Do I block her and move on? I’m a helpless romantic who wants to keep hope alive, but I’m aware of the gravity of my situation.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Like, are you lonely? I know one of the things that drew me to people with BPD/NPD, etc was loneliness, and a lack of shared vulnerability with people. And now that I've cut them off, it's kicking my ass, but I am still very resolved to do it. One thing that helped me recently, is that I felt very alone and I was just very sweet to myself and said "Don't worry (my name), I'm here for you, you're not alone, you're not alone, I'm here for you" and I felt so comforted by that, in the short term.

These relationships can be very addicting and intoxicating, because you WANT to fool yourself into believing it's better than, deep down, you know it is. Because all their lies, they sound so easy and comforting to deal with, all their puffery, it helps you feel wanted. But you know, you know deep down, that it's a sham, but it's so easy to just believe it, so you lurch toward it.

I guess what I am saying is, don't forget to love yourself as much as you can. Also, what you're going through is normal. These relationships, the manipulations, the lies, the mirroring, they play on your heart strings, until your heart is twisted and confused, and it's hard to unravel. Whatever you choose to do, you don't owe anyone your heart.