Brief exchange with BPD mother that illustrates the thinking

[Notwendy]

A nurse called me while I was on the way to work to tell me BPD mother wasn't feeling well. At my lunch break, she called and I answered the phone while she told me how she was feeling. I tried to reply but she didn't hear me well. Being that I was not in a private setting, I didn't want to talk louder into the phone. I told her I'd call her back in a minute and went to a quieter place to do that.

She called me back first, upset that I didn't show concern for her when she called. I said I was trying to talk but it was hard for her to hear it. Then she said she expected me to say more sympathetic things. So I did tell her then that I was concerned and hope she felt better.

It's not a big drama exchange but it showed me how she interprets things differently than what was actually going on. I had no intention of not being empathetic- and I did reply but she didn't hear me, so I moved to a better place to talk.

[Couscous]

It's so interesting how she was able to resolve her unstated fear that you don't love her by commanding you to say sympathetic things to her.   

[Notwendy]

Yup - and we respond accordingly — I thought it was interesting how she perceived the first call.

[Turkish]

It's hard not to respond with vehemence and maybe unkindess in a situation like that.

It's like when I took a day off ($) to drive my mom 120 miles to make a payment on her back taxes for her property and she denied that I ever helped her with money in front of the two old ladies at the county tax desk. I suggested doing it online and that resulted in the start of a fight.

I'm not an angry person on the surface, being taught that exhibiting feelings would result in punishment. Yet it was all I could no not to JADE (yell),   is wrong with you? We drove back mostly in silence and I didn't bring it up because that was the script I was taught.

[Methuen]

Her needs were not met in the first instance.

This triggers her.

She assumes the worst and judges you as a result. 

Once she thinks it, it becomes a fact.

After that, there is little you can do or say, and the facts as you know them are not relevant to her.

What I’m curious about is whose idea it was for the nurse to call you first?  Many times, my mom has had someone call me.  So I can’t help but wonder if it was the nurse’s idea, or if your mom said something to cause the nurse  to make the call…

[Notwendy]

It's hard not to respond with vehemence and maybe unkindess in a situation like that.

I'm not an angry person on the surface, being taught that exhibiting feelings would result in punishment. Yet it was all I could no not to JADE (yell),   is wrong with you? We drove back mostly in silence and I didn't bring it up because that was the script I was taught.

I understand this too. I also agree on not responding with anger too- I try to just not be emotional but at times, I have started crying- not as a purposeful response to her but out of frustration at these situations. She'll say things like "nobody has ever done anything I ask them to" and it's just baffling.

[Notwendy]

Her needs were not met in the first instance.

This triggers her.

She assumes the worst and judges you as a result.  

Once she thinks it, it becomes a fact.

After that, there is little you can do or say, and the facts as you know them are not relevant to her.

What I’m curious about is whose idea it was for the nurse to call you first?  Many times, my mom has had someone call me.  So I can’t help but wonder if it was the nurse’s idea, or if your mom said something to cause the nurse  to make the call…

She does ask people to call for her so it's possible she asked. I appreciate it when a nurse calls me as then, I can have an accurate idea of what is going on. You are correct in that, when BPD mother calls, it could be more about an emotional need than to inform me.

Of course I am concerned about her so the first thing I want to know is what is going on. So I will ask questions about if she is OK.

If her need is for emotional support- then you are correct - that need isn't met if I ask questions- so I may not be saying the "right thing" according to that. But it doesn't mean I don't care.

So one idea to try when I get these calls is to respond with consoling statements first and see if this is better, but I also know I can't change how she processes.

[zachira]

Sometimes you will meet the person with BPD's emotional needs by guessing right and sometimes you won't. We aren't mindreaders. Good for you for not letting it bother you that much how your mother reacted.

[Notwendy]

Sometimes you will meet the person with BPD's emotional needs by guessing right and sometimes you won't. We aren't mindreaders. Good for you for not letting it bother you that much how your mother reacted.

Yes, there's not much guessing but my expectations of her responding positively are low. If she does, I'd rather be surprised than to expect it. Sometimes it does get to me when it seems to come out of the blue  but this didn't surprise me.

[Mommydoc]

NotWendy, you handled this really well.  Kind, matter of fact, and empathetic.   Even though you can’t always predict her response, you have generally low expectations, and you are able to flex in the moment.   Bravo!

[Notwendy]

Thanks Mommydoc-

Sometimes I don't handle it well, out of frustration that she interprets my efforts in ways that have nothing to do with my intent, and other times, I know that this is just her own thinking. It helps to not take it personally- I try!