Reorienting my life away from my Dad, healing delusions, and owning my own power

[NarcsEverywhere]

So I got to a breaking point today, as I realized how much my Dad's treatment of me has been affecting me. Extreme suspicion, magical thinking, putting all my hope into one thing. I basically called him out for the bait and switch tactics he did to me recently, told him I'm allowed to have a life outside of him, and that I expect time alone. And I also called him out and said, it's easy to sit in your own house, being an opportunist, it's hard to face your own pain, it's easy to be an opportunist, it's hard to show restraint and have ideals that you try to stick to. I also said that he can leave if he doesn't like letting me have my own life, or I'll kick his butt out. And I also said something quite angry, that I don't care to repeat. I felt pissed. He was sad, then angry, then did his own victim, saint thing with my sister, and now he's acting nice.

So, immediately after, I tried to cool off, and I realized, I need to reorient my life away from my Dad, and I'm creating a methodical plan, with various resources and options. Such as, if my sister came down, or the cops got called, and he tried to gaslight me, or she did. Also, I made plans for if he abandons me on food, or other stuff. I want a plan on agoraphobia, on finances, on resources I can use, to seek support elsewhere (which I have already started), on plans for the pets, etc. It's going to take at least today to get fleshed out more, and maybe a couple of days, but it will allow me to be prepared for contingencies, and for using resources to methodically, work towards a life outside of my Dad, so that I am not investing in someone and something I can't trust.

So I mentioned in another post that I've had frogs stuck in my head sometimes, and it's because I had a super hard day, where I felt trapped by my neighbor and Dad, as he sucked me in hard, while doing a house project, which took us a week to finish, but was necessary. Anyways, I felt defeated, alone and hopeless, and helpless, and I've been processing it, by walking without any plan, just walking, by journaling, by laying in bad, and I get flashes on my eyes, and I'm doing this, to try to solve, the frog thing. I have been speaking kindly to myself back then, and telling myself that I am here for me, and showing myself empathy, and understanding, which is causing me to cry a bit, it's going to take time to process. But I am, I did have one other possible auditory thing, but it was short lived, and passed. I've mostly been trying to focus on things I am most sure of in the senses, so as to not, get lost in overly questioning those things, although sometimes I am doubtful, but I think that's normal to some degree, anyways, that's that.

The other thing, is I get magical thinking that puts my hopes into one thing, so what I do for that, is I either do gratitude, or I try to have an "at least so and so" attitude. I had some weird spiritual experiences form that, that have subsided, as I avoid doing that.

Also, I fell into extreme suspicion, which caused me, to feel like everyone is against me, even though, logically, I know they're not. I suppose because of excessive hypotheticals, especially about my Dad, but also other people. So what I do is I try to prioritize who I want to be skeptical about. Like, with my Dad, I am most skeptical, because he has proven himself not worthy of trust, and also, he affects me the most, so mistakes there, cost me more. I also an somewhat suspicious of my neighbor, and sister, as they affect me the most, other Narcissistic people who I dealt with, I don't think, will mess with  me, unless I mess with them, so I am not even really considering talking to them, even though, I want so bad to, because, it's a waste of mental resources, also I think it puts me in a bit of danger, that I am not prepared to take on, but I might write letters that assert myself, and never send them.

Also, I am realizing, people are trying to help, it's just, without knowing more details of things, they can't make an honest assessment, and that takes time. So, my counselor is visiting my house soon, and it's the first time, I am seeing him in person. I think that would good for me, I have a crisis team that came to see me, I also, have various phone numbers, and this forum, which I am making some progress on, which is better than none, and also I might look for another group, as this one is a bit specific to BPD, which although a great forum, it might be somewhat useful to find another resources too

Anyways, I am tired as hell, it's been a hell of week, I am going to moderate my behavior, and show myself more mercy, so I don't put myself at risk, and accept my limitations with the neighbor and my Dad more, and even the pets, and neighbors pets, especially the one I am letting go. I am going to have a few self care days, to recover, reflect, and care for myself. So I guess that's about it. It's tough as hell, but I do have some skills, that help me cope with it all, as I have learned some before all this, and recently, and besides that, I am trying to ground myself a lot more, but god my back hurt this morning, from all the stress.

[cranmango]

Hi NE—there are a lot of healthy things in this post. Reorienting your life away from your dad, prioritizing your own self-care, and making use of the supports in your life. All of that is good stuff.

What are you planning for your self-care days this week?

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Cranmango,

Well, I don't have big plans, I'm just trying to have fun again, connect to my pets, manage trauma and triggers, journaling, walking, loving kindness meditation, gratitude, maybe some weight lifting, trying to eat consistently, and get enough sleep. I've been pushing so hard, it's not good to make too big of plans, I need some ease, and moderation right now.

[NarcsEverywhere]

As I am processing this memory about the day where I felt defeated, and helpless and hopeless, and when the frogs started getting stuck in my head, these things keep repeating in my journal.

"I feel ugly, I feel alone, I feel ashamed, I feel hurt." I felt hurt that my Dad abused me by bringing up the dead cats that my neighbor had killed (to control me), right after I stood up to my neighbor for parking her car in front of my fence (which she used to abuse and park in front of our gate, and in front of our fence, on garbage day, so we couldn't put our garbage there). And my Dad kept sucking me into his house projects by constantly complaining to me, or telling me about it, and doing bait and switch tactics on the light socket he was working on, to suck me in. And my codependency was kicking up hard for many reasons. Anyways, it all seems so sick, to use dead cats to control me, dead cats that the neighbor killed to control and punish me. It's such a disturbing situation. And I really love cats, especially some of the ones that died, so it's very personal to me.

Anyways, I felt ugly, because I was degraded, I felt ashamed of his abuse, which makes no sense, but it's how I felt, and I am affirming it's not true, by speaking up and sharing it now, because I know it's not shameful to be abused. I also felt ashamed of trusting him, as I think by trusting him, I sabotaged myself, and it's one of the reasons why people avoid me on here, so I feel ashamed of it, and also ashamed of my codependency kicking up so hard, when I know better. I'm putting this out there, because I know I deserve better than this crap, and that I am not alone, with enemies everywhere (which is another thing I thought a lot, during this memory), along with feeling defeated, and overwhelmed by how loud the frogs were.

Hope someone is listening, it is a hard memory to keep reliving, but I think it's the only way to get this frog stuff out of my head, on a lasting basis, although, a lot of times, it's not in my head, if I am grounded well, and feeling more calm.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Well, it's been hell trying to get help from my counselor, flaked out on me so many times. I was struggling and he left the phone appointment for people in the waiting room, I was upset, but I spoke up for myself, then let it slide, as he said he'd call me sometime, never called. Then he says he'll show up to my house, okay, I slept when I didn't plan on it, because I've been wiped from the stress, but he didn't call. Then I asked him to maybe call next time. He has said he's gonna do like 6 different things and done none of them.

I've admitted it was my bad for oversleeping, and for bulldozing him a few weeks ago, for being over barring, and I've tried to work on it, and I have improved greatly recently. I've tried to be understanding, and said he's helped me in the past, I've been nice about it. But he wasn't dealing with the relationship, and I just feel pretty pissed. Because the worst thing he could have done right now is abandon me over and over, when he knows all the crap I am going through, and he was my strongest lifeline, and it's his job to deal with these things, and he's not dealing with it.

So, I dealt with it, and I got pissed at his boss, and then am trying to switch counselors. It's just so frustrating putting so much one-sided effort into a relationship, it's probably my number one pet peeve right now (because of how it's been with my Dad, I get so exhausted doing that all the time). And it's disappointing to have to start with a new counselor, but it is for the best. I'm proud of myself for having the strength to cut off my biggest lifeline, for connecting to other sources of support, like here, a bit more, and other phone lines and sources of help, so that I'm not so damned dependent on him, but it still sucks.

I know eventually I am going to need to go in person, and that's my own issue, but I still want to use the resources I have from home, until I get to that point. I also realize that my bulldozing, probably burned bridges, just like my spamming here probably has. But I can't have all my past mistakes held over my head, so I'm just going to keep trying to connect, here, with a new counselor, and with the crisis phone people, that have been super helpful to me lately! I'm going to keep trying to do what I can for myself. Moving my priority away from my Dad and towards other priorities, has definitely empowered me and improved my mental health.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I am pretty disturbed and bummed out that my counselor has been messing with me, during this period where I am dealing with both my Covert NPD Dad, and my BPD/NPD? Neighbor abusing me, and working HARD to assert myself, and set boundaries and expectations, and find the courage to heal from various trauma. I now need to change counselors, and I want to change locations, because my counselor is there, and along with other memories there, that were hard, I have agoraphobia that has been exacerbating by abuse, and I am working on it, so my appointments have been over the phone.

Anyways, I know how to stick up for myself great now, but it's hard to find the energy to deal with my Dad, neighbor, and now my counselor, because I only have so much energy, especially when caring for myself, my responsibilities, and my pets, and trying to not fall into situations where I am overly vulnerable, by giving into codependency. It's a lot to take on, like a lot. I am reaching out here, to seek support and understanding. I am using a crisis line, as it's been helpful for venting when I need it, and they have been nice, I am glad I am starting to have a bit of trust again.

Anyways, back to my counselor. I didn't realize it, but  he's done some highly neglectful, and abusive stuff, such as. He's do small talk and puff himself up, DURING me talking about really upsetting stuff, which I found very trivializing. Then I asked him to check in on me during our appointments, since I felt like I wasn't being heard, and at the time, had trouble speaking up for myself, and he never did that. Then when I was struggling, he's try to spin everything, to get me to think positively about it. Which might be good to some extent, for someone with perpetual negativity, but I don't have that, as I am often doing a lot of self care, and working on my perspective. Anyways, all of this shows a lack of empathy, as he never sat with any of my pain, and I never felt emotionally heard, even though some of what he said was helpful, I know it can be hard for people, but if you're a counselor, that's kind of your job!

But it all really came to light recently when he did some really crappy stuff, when I was overwhelmed and had little appreciation to give (which I normally do), and he was on a phone appointment with me, when I was struggling, and my time wasn't up and said "Sorry, there's a lot of people in the waiting room, so I gotta go" I said "Wait a second, what about me? I matter too" and he said "I can call you anytime", and I let it slide, because I am more easy to get ahold of that people who show up there, he never called. He also wasn't returning phone calls, and being flakey, but I can't remember every detail of it all. Anyways, recently, I asked him to come to my house, as he had offered it before, and I know he does it for other clients. He said he showed up, but I overslept, and I said: "My bad on oversleeping, but why didn't you call? As it's our normal mode of conversation. And I asked him to put a little more effort into things, as he ditched me for others, didn't return my phone calls, and I asked him to call next time. Then he tries to push off talking to me for a week. I said "I need help soon, not in a week" (as he knows things with my Dad have come to a huge head recently), and he offers to come down last Friday, and I am vacuuming and carpet cleaning in the living room, right near the front door, he leaves a card in the front door. I never heard a knock, he didn't call. And he again tried to push off the appointment to next week, except he used my Achilles' heel and said I should come down to the office. (the whole point of him coming down, was because of my issues with agoraphobia, and he said I don't have to come in until June, and I was going to do it when I felt more prepared, and had worked on walking more). So I got fed up and said "Okay, I am not talking to you now, I am going to talk to your boss".

What does all this show? Lack of empathy, lack of reliability, abandonment during difficult times, invalidation of emotions, degrading behavior, bait and switch tactics to confuse me, and honestly, devaluation and discard. I feel so freaking pissed off. And I went and vented to two of his bosses, and the crisis line. I know I have the skillset, and ability to articulate and assert myself about it, and I plan on doing it, in the form of a letter soon, to his boss. But I just want to assert myself, leave it 100% up to his boss to make the judgment call, on what to do, and move on to a different facility, as with all I am dealing with, I do not have the energy to be some freedom fighter, and litigate it to the max, to bosses, congressmen, and such. I just feel so angry that my own counselor, who is in a position of power and trust would treat me like this, which is why it's somewhat scary, but since he has control over my mental health file, I think it's important I do something, instead of nothing, and I need to do it for my mental health anyways.

I also just feel so sad that yet another person has betrayed me, and I know there are nice people around, but I am so tired of all my heavily invested relationships being with the wrong people. I feel sad, and overwhelmed, and bummed out from it all, all this change is exhausting, but I am being as strong as I can, and trying to pace myself, and doing everything I can, both to work on my codependent behaviors. I know they played into this a bit, with my counselor, but still, he's the professional, and he probably treats a lot of other people like this, and is abusing his position of power, it's gross to me.

I just needed to vent badly about it all to someone, especially someone not in the mental health field, and they might especially sympathize with my counselor, and blame me excessively, and that's not the right space for me to talk about it.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Anyways, after dealing with my counselors boss. I think, you know, people stigmatize my issues with agoraphobia, and lately with some of the delusions. It sucks, to not be taken seriously. The hallucinations were/are minor, and seem to be controlled by grounding and managing stress levels. The agoraphobia is a weakness I have, that I need to focus on much more, as it gives me more independence.

But both of those things probably cause people to not take me seriously. As hallucinations are stigmatized as being crazy, and agoraphobia is stigmatized by people thinking I am weak or incapable. Both of those issues cause people to gloss over what I say, it's really sad. I have experienced those things before, when talking to people. Just because I don't have shame about it, I think it sabotages me in a lot of circles, probably here too.

I'm gaslit, and highly stressed, that's what triggered the delusions (it's getting way better, as I am logical enough to dispel them, when not pushing myself too hard), and the agoraphobia is my responsibility to fix, but it's like, hard to push myself out into the world, when dealing with all this crap, but only I can do it. I'm trying hard to reprioritize, but it's so hard to fight the lack of external validation, by completely validating myself mostly, stick up for myself, deal with my emotions, my Dad, the neighbor, and now my counselor and stuff. I am trying hard to pick my battles, live life as fully as I can, and be kind to myself, but it's just so frustrating to deal with this.

And I know my story is so freaking unlikely, because in a lot of ways I am very actualized, and in others, I am really not, so it's confusing to people. It's confusing that I got involved with so many abusive people, but it was so normalize at home, and with my exGF, and I had a lot of coping skills, to get through it all, in tact. I just feel so frustrated and alone in this sphere, it's like no matter what I think and do, either I'm someone unapproachable because people don't take me seriously, or because I am too overwhelmed to give a lot. It's hard enough to give to myself and the pets right now. I want so badly to have more to offer this community and the other community I recently joined, but all I can do is dabbles here in there.

Anyways, I hope you're all doing well, I do know it's hard for you all too, I wish I had something to give, but I don't. I don't like things being as one sided as they are, I like to give when I can.

[cranmango]

Hi NE--just wanted to chime in and say that a lot of what you describe as your counselor's behavior is really odd. I don't understand why a counselor would act that way. And you have every right to 'shop around' to find a counselor/therapist that you feel comfortable working with, and who treats you with respect.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Cranmango,
Thanks for saying that, you are 100% right that I deserve better. I deserve support from them, they are freaking paid for it! They don't have to accommodate me in every single way, but come on!

It's because he's probably got some Covert Narcissism like my Dad, or who knows what. The bait and switch tactic has been used by many people I've dealt with, it's to confuse you, my Dad did it when we were working on the house, and when we were talking about Walmart, whatever I wanted, he would switch away from constantly, creating a no win situation, seen it lots of times. Also it's a form of withholding, abandonment and discard.

If I wasn't so heaped in this stuff, and hyper aware of it all, I might have missed it. He did say he has trouble forgiving people, so that's a red flag to me. Not that it's easy for anyone, but people with these disorders almost never forgive, since they alternate between victim/saint mode, and judger/persecutor.

Nice to hear from someone, how have you been doing yourself?