the thing about validation is that it cant be faked.
the number one problem that everyone runs into when learning some of these tools around communication, is that they start speaking "therapist speak" or sounding like a robot, and their partner instantly sees right through it.
youll read good examples of how to do these things, but they need to be personalized, and communicated in the way that you two actually talk to each other.
the easiest place to start is learning
how not to be invalidating. if you arent being invalidating, then you are likely validating.
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidatingIt is especially hard to validate her feelings when the statements that she makes
...
another common mistake when learning about validation is treating it as magic words that will soothe your partner or make the dysregulation go away. if your partner is dysregulating on you, for example, you dont want to whip out "i understand how you feel". if youre just saying something to make the problem go away, its going to come off as condescending and likely make things worse. that is why its far easier to think in terms of "dont be
invalidating" rather than "
validate". think of "validating" more in terms of a lifestyle, a healthy and supportive environment in your relationship, rather than a tool to whip out at particular times.
regarding what just happened are reflective of some alternate reality; they just didn't happen the way that she says they did. I am not sure if she knows that or not. Is she making stuff up on purpose, or is her disease altering her perception to the point where she believes that alternate reality?
its important to know that validating is not the same as agreeing with. there is such a thing as "validating the invalid", and you want to avoid that. by simply accepting that her view is hers, not necessarily trying to argue, change it, tell her its wrong, you are validating,
and not being invalidating!
her perception is her reality. bpd is, essentially, a worldview. that worldview is shaped by incredibly deep fears, shame, and insecurities. if you have a pathological fear of anything, it will affect your entire lifestyle, and how you arrange your life, who you associate with, how you associate with them. if you had an incredible fear of flying, you would go out of your way not to fly. you might try to keep those closest to you from flying. thats disorder. we all have a fear of abandonment. people with bpd traits build their lives around it. it colors everything.
bpd is also the inability, or extreme difficulty, to self soothe, to emotionally regulate. they have intensely strong feelings. those feelings drive their actions, drive their thoughts, drive what they think about you in that moment. when someone is that emotionally aroused, those thoughts and feelings are going to be distorted. if you were to ask her what happened, as she sees it, in a time of calm, she might feel differently about it, remember it differently, or have an easier time talking about it (though, she might not want to talk about it at all).
she is likely not making things up on purpose. in that moment, at least, and possibly in general, its how she sees it, and how she feels.
in that sort of situation, validating really means just accepting that shes entitled to her perception, and that that perception exists. it means attentively listening with empathy (
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy). these are the things that not only might make things better, but they especially will help not make things worse.
