Help me understand why ex wants to be FWB after she broke up with me?

[blackice]

I was in a long term 9 year relationship with uBPD partner. I walked out during a disagreement 3 months ago and I have lived with my parents ever since. We tried to work out our issues but my partner broke things off after 2 months of trying (1 month ago). We have had light contact (mainly her reaching out with random comments or questions) for the past 2 weeks. I have been pretty distant but not unresponsive.

In her breakup message she said she still wants to be friends and hang out. That she does not want to lose her best friend. And she said something about possibly starting fresh when we have both healed. I tried to get details related to the breakup message but my timing was terrible and she was very upset... She said something like - "I dont know if I can ever forgive you" and "we will need at least a year broken up." Do you think she is serious? A year is a long time!

She recently hinted that she wants to be FWB. This is exciting to me because I think it indicates that she knows she still wants to be with me even though she's mad at me for leaving. However, I wonder if she is just trying to make herself feel better by getting affection/attention and knowing I still want her even though she may not actually want me anymore?

If I decide to be FWB, is she just using me? I don't fully understand her perspective. She has the ability to shut off her feelings and go cold so easily. She seems to be still very angry about everything. Is the sex just her trying to keep me close somehow? Is it better to go no contact and let her come around on her own? I know that I was handling things a lot better before she asked about this - now my anxiety levels are high and I can't stop thinking about fixing things (major push/pull happening). I know FWB is challenging and could lead to more problems. However, I worry that if I say no then she will feel rejected once again and she will just focus on the bad and stay mad at me if she cannot physically connect once in awhile.

Any ideas or suggestions? Can someone help explain her thought process when she is asking to be FWB?

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[Notwendy]

I think being FWB would be very emotionally difficult in this situation, because, emotionally, you want more, and to enter into an agreement where you accept less for yourself, just for the chance to be with her, is being inauthentic to yourself.

Why would she want something like this? This keeps her connected to you and also in control of any level of commitment. The terms of FWB is no strings attached and no commitment. She can be with you or not, and on her terms. She can be with other people too. She can have no emotional attachment whatsoever. Basically she gets to use you for whatever gratification she wants at the moment.

When each person has no emotional investment in the relationship- each might be able to agree to such terms. However, you are already emotionally invested. To agree to such a thing and pretend you are OK with it, when you emotionally are not, would not be being fair to yourself.

[Rev]

To agree to such a thing and pretend you are OK with it, when you emotionally are not, would not be being fair to yourself.

Hi Blackice,

Just wanting to say - hang in there. Reach out any time.

And ... to echo what Notwendy is saying here (among the other solid things she's shared.)

Rev

[Pook075]

Hi Blackice, I'll take a stab.

All pwBPD run off of emotion and feelings, meaning they don't think things involving romance out long term like you or I do.  So maybe you talk to your ex (or I talk to my ex) today and they say they love us, they want to work things out, they want to fool around, whatever.  You or I are thinking, "That's great, maybe we're getting back together!"  

But for them, they're just living in the moment and reacting to their emotions while being open and vulnerable.  Maybe an hour later, they feel completely different.  That's the thing that is so hard to decipher- what's real and what isn't?  The honest truth is that it's all real, their emotions just change that frequently at times.

For what you should do, that's simple- what do you want to do?  Answer that question and that's what you should do.  Just be prepared if you decide to start seeing her again that it can change at a moment's notice- maybe everything is perfect, or maybe it's horrible and toxic.  As long as you know that and prepare yourself for it, then you're free to make whatever decision you want.

[blackice]

Thanks everyone, so much great advice!

I was hoping she would bring the subject up again so I could ask her some questions and give an update here, but no news yet.

This keeps her connected to you and also in control of any level of commitment.

I think you really hit on something I missed. She is most certainly using this as a way to keep some form of control. In fact, I'd say that is a big reason why we broke up. I am very relaxed and have always let her control almost everything. I will need to work on setting boundaries.

I have to be careful because I am a highly optimistic person and often get carried away with my hopes and dreams.

I am still very much undecided on whether I will go forward with the arrangement. It will depend on what she wants and whether we can come up with some ground rules for honesty and trust.

[Notwendy]

Thanks everyone, so much great advice!

I am still very much undecided on whether I will go forward with the arrangement. It will depend on what she wants and whether we can come up with some ground rules for honesty and trust.

Considering your own boundaries, any part in this needs to consider what you want. Were you both able to agree on ground rules in your previous relationship? Did she stick to them? Was there honesty and trust there? "FWB" is still a relationship and requires relationship skills. If these were lacking in the other relationship you had with her, why would they be present in this one?

Can you manage your own feelings in such a relationship? FWB has uncertainty. You'd be available for her when she wants you and if she doesn't - would you be waiting and wondering when the next time would be? She could also be FWB with anybody else in addition to you. How do you feel about that?

This is not a situation where the two of you meet for the first time, have no emotional baggage, and each decide to have fun once in a while. You were in an emotionally involved relationship and if this is a downgrade of what you really want, and you accept less, then can you be content with this?

[blackice]

Were you both able to agree on ground rules in your previous relationship? Did she stick to them? Was there honesty and trust there?

Yes, we were both open, honest, and trusting. I made sure to work on this with her from the beginning because her ex cheated on her. I'm very sure there was no lying or cheating from her. Even though we have both lost trust in each other since the breakup, I think I can trust her with this.

Can you manage your own feelings in such a relationship?

This will likely be difficult but I am not sure until I try. There is a part of me that wants the relationship to be over and there is a part that wants to save it. When I am apart from her I miss her deeply and long for our happy times. When we are chatting or visiting I find her lashing out at me and being mean in a passive aggressive way (likely because she is hurting pretty bad). So a part of me thinks I might get some closure and realize that she will always be mean to me and I am just idealizing her when we are apart.

She could also be FWB with anybody else in addition to you. How do you feel about that?

This will hurt tremendously but the way I see it is that if we are not FWB, it will also hurt to know she's with someone else. Maybe not as bad but it's still difficult. If we are honest about whether we are seeing others then I might be ok. I don't think I will do FWB if she is seeing anyone else - maybe that will make her lie to me? I don't know but I do know that her ex cheating and lying to her had a tremendous impact and I don't think she will lie to me here. There will certainly be some basic ground rules like honesty.

These are all very good questions that I need to keep in mind going forward. I have a tendency to forget these kinds of things and focus on my partner when spending time with her. I have to remember to put myself first as I am rebuilding my life.

[Notwendy]

How would being exclusive FWB be much different than the relationship you had? You are both still the same people, same dynamics between the two of you. You already know how the two of you communicate and relate to each other.

Maybe the larger question would be- do you wish to be in a romantic relationship with her? (FWB still involves intimacy and feelings of some sort) Or do you want to emotionally recover and eventually be in a relationship with someone else one day?

I think it would be difficult to recover emotionally and move on with a FWB arrangement. It leaves a connection there. It's your choice of course, but I think it would help for you to be clear about what you want for yourself and make the choice that aligns with your goals and your feelings.

[blackice]

How would being exclusive FWB be much different than the relationship you had?

Personally, I don't consider this the same as dating. When dating (and living together), we had a commitment to always be available to talk and help each other every day and to not pursue a relationship with another person. FWB is a physical relationship without being emotionally responsible for each other's needs on a daily basis. And each person is free to see other people if they want but just needs to be honest about it so that the other person can take a break if they choose.

Maybe the larger question would be- do you wish to be in a romantic relationship with her? (FWB still involves intimacy and feelings of some sort) Or do you want to emotionally recover and eventually be in a relationship with someone else one day?

If I had a genie in a bottle, I'd say I want to be back together and able to fix our problems so that we are both happy and can live happily ever after. However, without the genie, this is something that depends on both of us wanting to fix ourselves and do better. I cannot control her and thus, I cannot control how this will play out. All I can do is make the best decisions to try to help nudge us in the right direction rather than decisions that might forfeit any chance of my hopes becoming reality.