Support/ Input

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all- new member and I suppose the fact Ive joined this confirms Im at my wits end. Ive been seeing a girl since last September and while she hasnt been diagnosed with BPD, things have happened that bear all the hallmarks of it. Im hoping people here can corroborate or even reject my thoughts completely.

We started seeing each other and everything moved very quickly- I need to state that I was with a girl prior to this for two years but within 3 months of seeing the new girl I was already more in love her than I ever was with my ex.

Things were going great until xmas and she got covid which then led to tonsilitis and scarlet fever. I should add at this point that my gf also has PCOS and suffers from self esteem issues. Because of this she wouldnt let me see her when she was sick because she felt she looked terrible etc etc. While this was hard to understand, it was nothing compared to when she broke up with me by text completely out of the blue, just over a week after my birthday.

This hit me extremely hard- just a few days before this she had been telling me how the texts I was sending her was the only thing that was getting her through being sick and then ,bang, she ended things by text.Over the next few weeks I would get several different explanations as to why she did it- which looking back now means she couldnt explain it herself.

Over the period of the next 6 to 8 weeks there would be sporadic improvements in her attitudes towards me but also a lot of meanness- cancelling meeting me the day before we were supposed to, going on drinking binges instead of meeting me etc etc.

Eventually she sent me a text she said she had been deliberating over sending with a week- which I do believe was true. We met up for the first time in months and everything was great again . She agreed she needed counselling etc etc .

Since then there has been at least 3 episodes of what looks to me like "splitting".   Idolising me at one point and then demonising me a week later. Obviously because I love her so much I am trying to analyse what brings this on and I copped what it was very recently. We are both teachers and I realised very soon that she is totally incapable of dealing with mundane things in school that anyone who doesnt have BPD would see as basic parts of the job.

On top of that, she was sitting exams back in April and I could see her slipping gradually back into something. Making a long story short ,she spent 22 thousand euro on a new car (which she kind of needed in fairness) and never told me. This was on the Monday and then on the Tuesday we were on the phone before meeting up and she told me. My heart absolutely sank...

When we met up I could see something I had seen a few times before- a vacant stare and this look of absolute fear . I had seen it before a few weeks before this when, after an argument, she had convinced herself she wanted out of the relationship etc etc. Her voice and facial expressions were not as they normally were . I managed to calm her down after about half an hour and I could see her return to normal. This was something I had never seen before in a person- a visable change in their facial appearance. The girl looked petrified- but I asked her what was going on in her head and she kept saying "I dont know". I couldnt get her to return to normal the time of the car situation , but that was probably down to me shouting at her on the phone. I now know that was the worst possible thing to do, but Im only human and the way she nonchalantly told me about buying the  car destroyed me.

In the last month or so things have fluctuated from ok to awful- last weekend I had booked a flight somewhere for the last game of the soccer season in the UK. We both support the same team and I had suggested weeks back about going. She said she'd see because she knew she would be stressed with work. Making a long story short, she decided to go with her family. She booked the flight on the Thursday , called in sick into work on the Friday and flew out that day. Now this is a girl who would never dare put a foot wrong in work calling in sick to attend a football match. The chances of being seen by someone in the airport were high enough also.

Now I need to add that she has a strange dynamic with her family in that she is often incapable of saying no to things her family ask her to do. This may be due to the PCOS, possibly BPD if thats what she has, or maybe because her parents are split but essentially I play second fiddle to her family a lot of the time. Her mother controls her completely and she is incable of breaking free from her. I have told her I will support her in any way I can with the PCOS and getting diagnosed with whatever she has but I cant stand by and be second choice to a woman who uses her and is the main cause of her problems in the first place.

Apologies about the long post but as I said Im at my wits end. For the first time ever I am getting no support from my own family and all my friends have told me walk away from her because on paper she stuff she has done is ludicrous. But there is an explanation for everything and surely what Ive talked about here is an indicator of BPD. I have suggested this to her myself and when she is on an even keel she accepts its probably the case . When I mentioned that she was splitting the last weekend over in the UK she wouldnt acknowledge it. I am sure me mentioning that probably wasnt the brightest thing to do when she was in the middle of an episode but I was taking so much verbal abuse and was trying to be nice and not give it back. Anyway, I would appreciate any feedback or advice I could get. I love this girl so much but my fear is she wont or cant get the help she needs.

[Lisbon67]

Hi all- new member and I suppose the fact Ive joined this confirms Im at my wits end. Ive been seeing a girl since last September and while she hasnt been diagnosed with BPD, things have happened that bear all the hallmarks of it. Im hoping people here can corroborate or even reject my thoughts completely.

We started seeing each other and everything moved very quickly- I need to state that I was with a girl prior to this for two years but within 3 months of seeing the new girl I was already more in love her than I ever was with my ex.

Things were going great until xmas and she got covid which then led to tonsilitis and scarlet fever. I should add at this point that my gf also has PCOS and suffers from self esteem issues. Because of this she wouldnt let me see her when she was sick because she felt she looked terrible etc etc. While this was hard to understand, it was nothing compared to when she broke up with me by text completely out of the blue, just over a week after my birthday.

This hit me extremely hard- just a few days before this she had been telling me how the texts I was sending her was the only thing that was getting her through being sick and then ,bang, she ended things by text.Over the next few weeks I would get several different explanations as to why she did it- which looking back now means she couldnt explain it herself.

Over the period of the next 6 to 8 weeks there would be sporadic improvements in her attitudes towards me but also a lot of meanness- cancelling meeting me the day before we were supposed to, going on drinking binges instead of meeting me etc etc.

Eventually she sent me a text she said she had been deliberating over sending with a week- which I do believe was true. We met up for the first time in months and everything was great again . She agreed she needed counselling etc etc .

Since then there has been at least 3 episodes of what looks to me like "splitting".   Idolising me at one point and then demonising me a week later. Obviously because I love her so much I am trying to analyse what brings this on and I copped what it was very recently. We are both teachers and I realised very soon that she is totally incapable of dealing with mundane things in school that anyone who doesnt have BPD would see as basic parts of the job.

On top of that, she was sitting exams back in April and I could see her slipping gradually back into something. Making a long story short ,she spent 22 thousand euro on a new car (which she kind of needed in fairness) and never told me. This was on the Monday and then on the Tuesday we were on the phone before meeting up and she told me. My heart absolutely sank...

When we met up I could see something I had seen a few times before- a vacant stare and this look of absolute fear . I had seen it before a few weeks before this when, after an argument, she had convinced herself she wanted out of the relationship etc etc. Her voice and facial expressions were not as they normally were . I managed to calm her down after about half an hour and I could see her return to normal. This was something I had never seen before in a person- a visable change in their facial appearance. The girl looked petrified- but I asked her what was going on in her head and she kept saying "I dont know". I couldnt get her to return to normal the time of the car situation , but that was probably down to me shouting at her on the phone. I now know that was the worst possible thing to do, but Im only human and the way she nonchalantly told me about buying the  car destroyed me.

In the last month or so things have fluctuated from ok to awful- last weekend I had booked a flight somewhere for the last game of the soccer season in the UK. We both support the same team and I had suggested weeks back about going. She said she'd see because she knew she would be stressed with work. Making a long story short, she decided to go with her family. She booked the flight on the Thursday , called in sick into work on the Friday and flew out that day. Now this is a girl who would never dare put a foot wrong in work calling in sick to attend a football match. The chances of being seen by someone in the airport were high enough also.

Now I need to add that she has a strange dynamic with her family in that she is often incapable of saying no to things her family ask her to do. This may be due to the PCOS, possibly BPD if thats what she has, or maybe because her parents are split but essentially I play second fiddle to her family a lot of the time. Her mother controls her completely and she is incable of breaking free from her. I have told her I will support her in any way I can with the PCOS and getting diagnosed with whatever she has but I cant stand by and be second choice to a woman who uses her and is the main cause of her problems in the first place.

Apologies about the long post but as I said Im at my wits end. For the first time ever I am getting no support from my own family and all my friends have told me walk away from her because on paper she stuff she has done is ludicrous. But there is an explanation for everything and surely what Ive talked about here is an indicator of BPD. I have suggested this to her myself and when she is on an even keel she accepts its probably the case . When I mentioned that she was splitting the last weekend over in the UK she wouldnt acknowledge it. I am sure me mentioning that probably wasnt the brightest thing to do when she was in the middle of an episode but I was taking so much verbal abuse and was trying to be nice and not give it back. Anyway, I would appreciate any feedback or advice I could get. I love this girl so much but my fear is she wont or cant get the help she needs.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You haven’t been together long and now you are seeing behaviors that trouble you. Is she behaving in a different way than when you first got together? If so, that is likely due to increased emotional intimacy. People with BPD often mirror their partners at the beginning of a relationship, then over time, when they feel more secure, behaviors such as you’re noticing now emerge. If you were to meet her as she is now (without your previous history of her), how would you feel about her?

[Lisbon67]

First of all, a million thanks for replying. The silent treatment is something she has only started using against me recently and, as anyone who has experienced it will know, it is torment worse than anything physical. Perhaps there has been a change in her since we both said we loved each other but I actually cant say for certain. Oh there is absolutely no way I would have endured this at the start of the relationship but the difference then was I was totally ignorant towards BPD and I didnt love her at that stage- love changes everything however...

[kells76]

Hello Lisbon67 and I want to join with Cat Familiar to say welcome -- we're glad you reached out for some support as you navigate your relationship.

Asking yourself those questions about the phases of your relationship, and how you'd respond were you to meet her as-is now, are good questions to help you see things more clearly.

As you think through those questions, you can also check out our 'Tips" menu up top, especially the section on When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder and the article What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD).

Maybe another question to consider, as you decide how you want your relationship to go, is -- given that she's the only one who can decide for herself to seek treatment, what would it be like for you to stay in the relationship if nothing changed on her end? There's no right or wrong answer, and this is a safe place to sort of pencil out "well, ABC would be okay, but XYZ wouldn't". Many people decide to stay in relationships with pwBPD for many different reasons, and making those relationships "less worse" can be possible -- on our end.

Let us know what you think about the articles -- what resonates with you -- and again, welcome to the site;

kells76

[Lisbon67]

Once again thanks for the reply. I suppose the reality is that I couldnt stay in a relationship as it is now. The highs are unreal but the lows are crushing- I know a state of equilibrium is what everyone probably desires with a BPD partner but I also need to appreciate that she hasnt even being diagnosed and getting her to do that in itself is problematic- not least because she is giving me the silent treatment right now!

[Cat Familiar]

Since BPD is a shame-based disorder, people afflicted by it are very reluctant to seek therapy or persevere with it should they even begin. The issue is that they’d rather not confront their issues and demons, as it is far more painful for them than it is for someone who is emotionally healthy. They would rather shift the blame for their emotional discomfort to others, typically their significant other, as you’ve been experiencing.

Take a look at this article for further explanation: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

[Lisbon67]

This is my greatest fear- that she wont ever seek help. She has accepted she needs it but accepting it and actually going for help are two completely different things. The survival of our relationship certainly hinges on it. I am hoping she resumes talking to me in the next week or two and I intended giving her an ultimatum- seek help or I will have to go. Is this wrong? My hope is the thoughts of losing me will give her some incentive to seek help. If she cant , then its best we go our separate ways for me at the very least...

[Lisbon67]

Sorry read the piece there now- that ultimatum wouldnt be a good idea at all!