First post here and marriage about to end?

[Huntinfool123]

Hello everyone.  I am 47 Years old, own a small business, have a wife and 3 adult daughters (22 and 19 Year old twins).  We have always argued more than others in our circle. I believe I have been married to an undiagnosed person with BPD traits.  I had heard of BPD, but didn't pay much mind to it prior to my therapist bringing it to my attention.  My wife of 24 Years has gone to therapy with me about 6 times.  I have gone 2-3 times a week for 5 months.  My therapist believes he thinks she has BPD traits but also said he can't diagnose her. After hearing about BPD I started researching it, endlessly.  I have come to the conclusion that the love of my life, who I have trusted completely has traits of BPD and NPD.  I researched it because I don't want to lose her and everything we have created together. I wanted to support her and get her treatment so that we can have a normal life.

Let me clear, I am no saint!  I have been a fairly heavy beer drinker for as long as I have been married.  I come from a family that has indulged in alcohol for as long as I can remember.  So to me it was acceptable and common place.  I have at times acted irresponsible when I was under the influence.  I have been sober for just over 5 months now because it was the right thing to do and I thought it would help my marriage.

In stopping drinking and a few counseling sessions our marriage was improving.  Then one day I expressed that I was not happy with a situation with the kids damaging the house and my wife completely lost it on me. I then made problems worse when I expressed that I feel she hasn't been honest with me about her spending money (this has always been and issue but it looks to be getting much worse).  She got very defensive and asked what I was talking about.  I didn't give any details because I have learned that she will just get defensive and continue to be dishonest about it, in what I believe is an attempt to deny her spending habits. Now she is saying I haven't changed at all and wants to get a divorce.  She has moved into the spare bedroom in the meantime.

I am at the point where I see that maybe a separation might be in my best interest over the long term because I feel she doesn't really care about my feelings, it appears I am being punished constantly, she isn't honest with me about most things and blames me for everything wrong in her life.  She openly says everything is my fault.  On occasion she will admit she isn't perfect and it takes 2 to fight but that is far and few between and she never admits to anything in particular.  I however keep feeling like I don't want to to give up everything in our lives (house, combined incomes, companionship, friends in common).  I mean I have dealt with this for over 26 years.  I don't know any better!  She claims she is going to a therapist, but I have yet to see proof of it and she openly said that counseling pains her because it brings up the past and all the trauma I have caused her.  I mentioned that is the point of counseling, to deal with the issues and move forward.  She doesn't seem to see the now or future, she is always talking about the past. She also says she is mad because she is tired of me making her feel bad and without me in her life she will be happy.  She doesn't seem to see that I have made mistakes but I have always provided financially and have been there when she needed anything with the kids, house, cars, etc.  If I was that bad, why would she have stayed this long?  Is it because she was codependent and I am no longer drinking?  Is it because I am seeing more of what she is doing financially and she feels guilty?  Is she just projecting her feeling and guilt on to me?  Is this one of those times that she will eventually act like nothing ever happened for a short period of time again?  Is it she realizes that she has caused so much financial damage that it is too much for her to handle and is willing to sell the house to pay off the debt (she has used our oldest daughters credit I believe).

I know nobody can answer these questions for me.  I am just venting because I am a wreck over this and just want everyone to be happy, feel loved and important as everyone should in a marriage.  However, we may never be able to give that to each other.  Maybe it is time to move on from one another.  It just doesn't feel right and I love her.  Surely I cannot be the first to have these conflicting thoughts.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You mentioned 5 months twice in your post—when you stopped drinking and when you started therapy. What else happened at the 5 month point? What motivated you to quit drinking? (And big congratulations on quitting) 

Could it be that once you quit drinking, you started to see your wife, and your marriage more clearly?

You say you would like to support your wife, see her get treatment, so that you can have a *normal life*. I’m sorry to say that *normal life* is not possible if indeed she has BPD or traits of BPD. That said, it is possible to have much less conflict and get along far better, but the specter of BPD will always be there. Unless, and this is a BIG UNLESS—she devotes herself to long-term therapy—usually DBT, and follows through with it FOR MANY YEARS. Unfortunately many people with BPD are unwilling to do this, primarily because BPD is a shame-based disorder and therapy can feel really uncomfortable for them. You’ve noted that counseling “pains” her, so I wouldn’t pin all my hopes on her committing to long-term therapy.

That you feel conflicted is par for the course. It’s sad and uncomfortable when we realize the person we fell in love with is emotionally dysfunctional and unlikely to change.

What we can do, however, is change ourselves. It’s not easy, but it can be very worthwhile if you would like to remain in the relationship. Take a look at the Tools at the top of this page. To change the way we communicate can alleviate a lot of problems. It’s not a magic fix, but it can make things much better.

[Huntinfool123]

At the 5 month point we were going to go on a cruise.  Her Dad had asked me about a business supplier paying for the cruise.  I told him no, we were paying for it.  At that point I was mad that she lied to her Father about it. I also didn't want to go because it was expensive and we didn't have the funds to pay for 7 of us to go on a cruise.  Come to find out she took a loan out in my name behind my back to pay for it. Needless to say I confronted her about the loan as well as her lying to her Father and she just replied "so"?  So I pretty much lost it and started screaming and yelling.  I totally exploded!  I am not proud of that moment.

My motivation to quit drinking was a long time coming due to my explosion, weight gain, high blood pressure and if  were concerned about money, I needed to cut back on something to lead by example.  I wanted to quit and she blamed my drinking as the cause of everything.  I feel it was my way of coping with the dishonesty, and the tumultuous nature of our relationship.

When I quit drinking it absolutely allowed me to see my wife and marriage more clearly.  Rather than turning a blind eye and letting her get away with lying and spending, I tried to set a boundary.

I am aware a *normal* life isn't possible.  However a less argumentative life would be more along the lines of *normal* for us, as you explained.  It was a hope she would get help in the form of DBT, but I understand the odds of that are slim at best.  Less arguing, better communication and honesty would be enough for me to push on.  Afterall, nothing is perfect.

Thank you for validating my confliction is in fact par for the course.

I have been making changes within myself.  Quit drinking, trying to validate, being more sympathetic and not trying to win.  As well as therapy to help me gain my self esteem back. 

I would like to give it an honest effort to make it work.  There were several weeks in the last few months where things were pretty good between us.  That was enough to give me hope.  The choice to separate is her decision primarily.  Since I am aware now of so many things, I am unsure of what the right decision is.  Starting over and the fear of the unknown produce uncomfortable feelings.

It is my feeling that it's possible that the debt she has amassed behind my back is creating a huge amount of stress (and guilt) on her, causing her to split me, as it is easier to blame me than admit it is her doing and not mine.  This also makes it nearly impossible for me to help.  Maybe she is trying to protect me?

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and share your insight.  I greatly appreciate it!

[thankful person]

Hi huntinfool and welcome,

I’m 45 and in a lesbian marriage for five years with my dbpdw. We have 3 small children together (ivf conceived). I wanted to say, I joined here 2.5 years ago when my marriage was “about to end”. As it happened my wife and I are still together. I have learnt so much from the tools on here and from Cat and the others. I also highly recommend the book (or audiobook) “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. Things began to get better when I accepted that I cannot change my wife only myself. I began to realise that I had much power to improve my own life. Ironically at this point I found that my wife did become calmer and presented as more sane, in response to the changes I made in communicating with her and developing my own self-confidence. She has attended some dbt sessions before we met, but does not see herself as bpd anymore and certainly doesn’t think it affects our relationship. Sadly things have been very difficult since baby no 3 arrived last year. My wife’s behaviour has regressed and she has been long term split on me though I’m hopeful that she’s coming out of it as she’s been a bit more loving and reasonable and less angry and critical recently. But us non-bpd have to stay strong and know the next outburst could be any moment. Know that we will be ok. You’ve come to an amazing group of people. I haven’t been to therapy myself but I can’t speak highly enough of the progress I’ve made thanks to bpd family. Good luck with everything and come back to chat if you want to share any struggles and hopefully successes with us.