need guidance/help

[needsupport33]

I've posted a few times in the past - the last time I posted I had met with an attorney and everything, but got sucked back in. The short story is I made the mistake of confiding in my coworkers about her behavior (they were women) and she found the texts while I was sleeping and guilted me, had a full meltdown etc, so I stayed. I stayed another year and 3 months (til now).

Me, my uBPDw, my 2 step daughters, and my 2 children were supposed to go to Italy with her parents next week. She cancelled just me and my kids tickets because she searched my sons room and found his journal, where he wrote that his step mom gets mad about things really fast and bottles things up. Because of that, I got blamed for his perception, and our trip was cancelled.

She doesn't know it, but I have an attorney, house for rent, and movers lined up for when they are gone next week.

I am currently working telehealth and getting HAMMERED with text messages. I just keep telling her she is right. She has hit me before, broken things, thrown herself on the ground, everything you could think of in the past. I'm just trying to stay calm and tell her she's right. I have to get to next week.

I am going to be moving out, blocking her number, and filing for divorce next week. This hurts and is more confusing than anything I've ever gone through. It took me years of trying to reach this point and have the opportunity to safely do so.

I will not have contact with her again outside of attorneys

This is so surreal. Last week I had everything calm.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I can only imagine what must have gotten you to this point, but with BPD in the mix, my bet is misplaced rages / temper tantrums, constant strife in the home, jealousy and using kids to get back at you.  What I see as really damaging is her cancelling some of the kids' tickets to Italy, and not the others.  It's one thing to deal with an abusive spouse, and another when the abuse extends to the kids.  Those poor kids are going to think their stepmom hates them.  They probably already know that.

I know this is really hard for you, and that you've been on this wavering road for a long time.  Surely you're confused because you see some good qualities to your spouse--otherwise you'd have left long ago.  But based on what you've written, I see two things.  First, your'e hurt.  And second, your spouse appears to be cruel to your children.  I think you ought to put your children first here.  They need Happy, Balanced and Calm Dad, not Confused, Traumatized, Stressed-Out and Enabling Dad.  They need a good role model, to learn what a healthy family looks like.  If they don't know what a healthy relationship looks like, they could be set up to enter dysfunctional relationships themselves when they grow up.

You will get past this, with some time.  Even if you can't afford to go on foreign trips for a while, that's OK.  I'm sure your kids would appreciate having Happy Dad back and a calm, loving home environment again, over any fancy trip.  They might not even know what a calm, loving home looks like.  They deserve one, don't they?  You do too.  I'm feeling conflicted about your step-kids, as they will be affected by the divorce as well--they'll lose their stepdad and stepsiblings.  I'm not sure what to advise there but to be prepared to accept it.  And maybe consider getting your kids some therapy to cope.

[needsupport33]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It makes me feel so much less alone. I'm going to do it. I have my window and I'm taking it this time.

[wantmorepeace]

This is so surreal. Last week I had everything calm.
[/quote]

It is surreal, isn’t, the way things go from 0 to 1000 for people w bpd? 

You have not just a right but an obligation to do what’s best for you and your children. All best with this transition.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It makes me feel so much less alone. I'm going to do it. I have my window and I'm taking it this time.

To follow your name I will provide support in the form of you said you are going to do it so then my friend NIKE that S !!! We will hold you to it.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[ForeverDad]

Yes, let her and her kids go on their trip with her family.

Be prepared how you might respond if she decides to make a reversal and now you can come along with them again.

You do have a right to privacy and confidentiality, especially in this sort of situation, unwinding a marriage.

It ought to be relatively simple since you don't have children together.  That means no custody or co-parenting complications.  It's a relatively short term marriage so your support obligations should be minimal, hopefully only during the divorce process.  But you know she will still make it complicated.

Be especially cautious about "sour grapes" allegations, either against you or your own kids.  She may try to retaliate and - whether purposely or not - mess up your custody with your kids.

A clean break, as much as possible, is best.  As much as possible let the lawyer be the buffer with notifications and negotiations.  Of course do as much legwork as possible to reduce billings but in high conflict scenarios your lawyer is paid to protect you from legal repercussions.