Hi Lonelyagain and
As I am writing These lines I am just so confused about what happened in the last 10 days.
I think one of the key "take-home" messages when dealing with someone with a personality disorder is that their behavior is not normal and therefore confusing to anyone who is not disordered in a similar way. I'll try to break-down how your BPD exGF's behavior fits into the disordered way of thinking.
It may be helpful to learn to accept that she is disordered, and for that reason alone, she could never give you what you require in a healthy; that and you can never do anything for her if she is not appropriately motivated towards recovering from her disorder.
We had some Fights, were she was triggered and hurting me verbally and physically but i alwas managed to calm her down. We had a break in the beginnend of our relationship and she blocked me for some time but i begged and stayed in contact and a few days after we reconciled.
Something I've learned about people with BPD (pwBPD), in the beginning, arguments seemed like they were caused by misunderstandings, but in retrospect, they probably were the early signs of their disordered thinking. So when they have their disordered feelings, such as "imagined" fear of abandonment, we can assuage their disordered feelings by insisting that we have no intention of leaving or abandoning them.
But over time, their disordered feelings escalate such that no amount of reasoning or compromising or promising, can counterweight their feeling that they will be abandoned unless they act first; unless they are the ones who abandons or leaves us first. By being the abandoner, they can avoid being abandoned.
Because of her extreme jealousy i was slowly loosing contact to my friends and she was basically the center of my life. Now I know, we might have been in a codependent relationship.
I'm a co-dependent myself. For me, one of the key qualities of being codependent, is being so focused on other people's problems (or one specific person's problems) such that I end up avoiding facing my own issues. When my issues get bad enough, I get obsessively focused on other people. That's how the dynamic works for codependents and alcoholics; as long as the other person has intractable problems, the codependent can forever avoid facing their own stuff. It's worthwhile to get support from groups like Alanon.
We were still in contact via Text a lot and she told me she loved me so much. Then over the next few days her Texts became less, she wasnt sure if she could forgive me for starting the fight and saying if we ended the relationship we still would be friends. Then she suddendly texted me she doesnt want the relationship anymore. I was crying and asking why that was when we had plans to marry etc. She said she just realised she finally felt free and so much more happy without me.
The part that she left out, of her "finally fe[eling] free" was that she wants to be free of her disorder thinking/feelings. However, part of her disordered thinking is to habitually blame the other person for her feelings. In order words, she wants to be free of feeling like *you* are always going to abandon her; and even though you had no intention of abandoning her, she keeps feeling this way. Even worse, the more she feels like she cares for you, the more she feels like it is inevitable that you're going to abandon her.
Now if she were honest with herself about her disorder, she might have accepted that most of these feelings are from her disorder talking to her. But she's fighting behavior that has worked for her for most of her life.
This is why most pwBPD have serial relationships, they keep wanting to believe that the "next" person is the person who won't triggered their disorders feelings. And because in the beginning of each relationship, they barely know the person -- and that unfamiliarity makes the next person less likely to trigger their disordered feelings. But it's only a matter of time until the disordered feelings come back.
I hope some of what I write is helpful to you.
Best wishes,
Schwing
