Sometimes Very Isolating

[Depression = 72% of members]

Sometimes I go through periods of feeling very isolated.  I can't handle being around others, and I feel concern that they should not be around me.

I've had to step back from most of my family, go no-contact with my BPD mother, and don't trust myself or other people when it comes to partners, friends, clients, and community.  I've worked so hard for decades with therapy, support groups, research, and much practice, and I've come so far.  Now I'm grey-haired, still living alone, and still going through periods of feeling isolated.

I know myself well enough to not want a partner nor to live with anyone (single and happy), and I've made some very lovely friends over the years, so I do go for stretches feeling quite comfortable, happy, and fulfilled.  Yet, unless someone has been a child of someone with BPD, can recognize it, and have shared that with me, I really don't have many people in my life with which will truly understand.  Sometimes, too, those that I meet who are similar to me, I cannot manage an on-going friendship with because we are both so sensitive from our BPD or similar experiences and end up feeling 'unsafe', having to end the friendship.

Even after all these years, I still find myself flip-flopping between being happy with the life I've carved out for myself and feeling vulnerable and alone.  I'm so grateful for this message board --- thank you.

[DaughterOfHera]

Sometimes I go through periods of feeling very isolated.  I can't handle being around others, and I feel concern that they should not be around me.

I've had to step back from most of my family, go no-contact with my BPD mother, and don't trust myself or other people when it comes to partners, friends, clients, and community.  I've worked so hard for decades with therapy, support groups, research, and much practice, and I've come so far.  Now I'm grey-haired, still living alone, and still going through periods of feeling isolated.

I know myself well enough to not want a partner nor to live with anyone (single and happy), and I've made some very lovely friends over the years, so I do go for stretches feeling quite comfortable, happy, and fulfilled.  Yet, unless someone has been a child of someone with BPD, can recognize it, and have shared that with me, I really don't have many people in my life with which will truly understand.  Sometimes, too, those that I meet who are similar to me, I cannot manage an on-going friendship with because we are both so sensitive from our BPD or similar experiences and end up feeling 'unsafe', having to end the friendship.

Even after all these years, I still find myself flip-flopping between being happy with the life I've carved out for myself and feeling vulnerable and alone.  I'm so grateful for this message board --- thank you.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi DaughterOfHera,

I noticed recently I also have a pattern of ending friendships, a pattern I am trying hard to break. I also tend to come to the reasoning that my friends, or that the people around me, aren't safe. And I do often wonder if it's my trauma, or if I am right. If I could make "more of an effort"... I have two neighbors right now who are often together, but because we all have children the same age, I also need to interact with them. I keep doubting myself about who they are, are they safe, can I talk, should I talk... The second there is more than one person involved, my head start spinning, I overanalyze a lot of my interactions with them. I often come to the conclusion I must be right... Or am I just making excuses to not have to interact as much?

I think the truth is complex. I think they are unsafe, but maybe they would not be unsafe "for me". Yet, part of me sees the danger, and I get triggered, so I isolate myself. And I justify the isolation on small comments here and there, red flags I saw. And there really are red flags... The thing is : I don't know how to cope with red flags, or how to manage them, because I don't have very healthy boundaries yet. This is what I am here trying to figure out...

I also notice when I start acting like someone I don't like... Some people have ways to bring the worst in me, and in order to fit in, I start acting like them, talking about superficial things, playing a role I don't enjoy playing... So I need "breathing days" away from them. I'm still unsure why I do it that much...

It's hard for me to manage this chameleon part of me, but I think it is at the root of my own tendencies to not feel well in the world, or with others. With some people, I can truly be myself, then I feel safe with them. Maybe because, at our root, we are the same... With others, I try to change what I think, who I am, and I do it unconsciously, it just happens, and when I leave the discussion, I feel icky.

And it's like I cannot keep myself from doing it. I "charm" them, in a way, I mimic them... Maybe this is why being in a group is so hard for me, I get incredibly tired of mimicking everyone, it takes a lot of energy.. it is serving me well as a business owner, but not so much in my personal life... This is a ha! Ha! moment right now for me... Hopefully it resonates with others.  I think this tendency was born from a life of being invalidated, of not being enough, of not being able to test who I am with my BPD mother, of trying to prevent the rages to survive.

I guess what I am trying to say is : you are not alone finding it hard to navigate relationships. Sometimes, I think I have it all figured out, then I realize I absolutely don't.We actually have a whole thread about it that Zacchira started if you want to join in, it's : "The steep learning curve".

A lifetime of confusion and pain with our main parent, never knowing what to be, who to be, never able to predict or temper the rages... It leaves scars. I do believe there are ways forward... My first "healing move" was buying a small cat... I think, there are some people out there with healthy attachments pattern, and being in contact with them can change us over time. I am different, but still learning...this will be a life long process.

[Notwendy]

I do this too- self isolate- and it's also something we talk about in ACA groups - it's not unique to BPD.

I wrote on another board that by middle school, I felt as if I was somehow different from my peers. There wasn't an obvious reason why- It wasn't sexual orientation or identity, I wasn't depressed, I got good grades and participated in school activities, and I had friends- so what was it?

I think a main thing is that our family life was different, and we had to keep it a secret. Now I understand all families can have issues- but it seemed they functioned. When I went to my friends' houses, their mothers seemed content, people weren't walking on eggshells. I spent more time at friends' houses. I was worried about what my friends might see if they came to mine.

But there was also an insecurity. I thought nobody would like me - these were messages I felt growing up with a mother who doesn't have the capacity to love anyone. I worried that I wasn't pretty enough, or nice enough, or good enough to be liked. When my peers began showing interest in boys, I had crushes on them too, but I was afraid to talk to them.

High school seemed like some oasis in all of this. I had a circle of close friends with whom I felt secure, but college was more lonely. I did marry, and most of my world centers around my family. My job is another social outlet although it's at the appropriate workplace level. I have a few close friends but notice my friends like to socialize in groups like tennis, women's groups at their churches. When I did participate in these types of groups, I just felt like an imposter. I think I prefer having a few close friends.

We talk about this kind of isolating at ACA groups. I can spend a whole day by myself, just doing things around the house. Sometimes it's lonely but most of the time, I feel content doing that. I like to have some social time, but I also like my alone time too.

I wonder what it is about having a BPD mother that influences this? I think one is trust. I know that if my BPD mother is being nice to me, it's a manipulation so it's hard to feel comfortable when people seem to like me.