Wonder if I am going mad repeating same mistakes again and again

[Foolish man]

Hi
Over the years I have kept coming back to these boards for advice and comfort. And again here I am
My ex girlfriend bpd and I have a 3 year old. We haven’t been together for a couple of years, but have remained good friends and good co parents during that time ( with a few ups and downs)
When we split she immediately got with another guy , moved him into her flat straight away , got pregnant, relationship began to fail, blamed him for the pregnancy , then got a court order to block him from contact.
She then got into a relationship with a another woman,  who immediately moved into the flat, they got engaged quick, and guess what the relationship failed
We stayed on good terms through out this , I am a godfather to her 2nd child ( odd I know but it kinda worked ok)
She now has a new relationship and this time I was clear ,leith my wishes for this person to not be staying over when my son is there. He is with me half the time
She lied , I caught her out lying to my face about him staying over and I blew my lid
She decided to text me , as I was annoyed already , that she is pregnant again . Met him 4 weeks ago , 4 weeks pregnant
This time I spelt it out , she has broken my trust , and I am angry about the lies
But 3 days later I starting to feel bad  for her. We aren’t communicating except  by text for the child’s arrangements
How can I be consistent , without seeming heartless that she has over stepped the line again

[NarcsEverywhere]

Well, if they don’t try to change, there’s not much you can do. That seems pretty pathological at this point, and with huge consequences of children being born and raised in quite an erratic environment.

I think you’re too hard on yourself to call yourself foolish, you know I’m kinda hard myself lately too, it’s actually easier to make better decisions when you’re not mean to yourself.

[Foolish man]

Hi thanks for the reply
I used that name originally, but sometimes it does kinda fit
I know I can’t change her behaviour, I was hoping others might chip in with how they keep to a consistent response

[NarcsEverywhere]

I mean, sounds like you need to focus on something other than her, so you’re less obsessed with her, then it’s easier to control yourself.

[kells76]

I know I can’t change her behaviour, I was hoping others might chip in with how they keep to a consistent response

Hi Foolish man;

My H's kids' mom has many BPD traits and behaviors. I know what you mean about feeling angry at her followed by times of feeling like "wait a minute, that seems normal... is she being normal? Am I the problem for overreacting?"

pwBPD are tossed to and fro by their internal emotion of the moment. One way for us to be motivated to stay consistent is to remind ourselves that it's no good to "hitch our wagon" to the inconsistent emotions of the pwBPD. Let's not allow ourselves to be led by rapidly shifting emotions. Instead, you could try reminding yourself that as long as your ex and you are coparenting your child, you will need to be the reliable emotional leader in that dynamic, for your child's sake.

Another approach could be to journal to track what's going on. You may start to see patterns over time, and maybe that could help you articulate to yourself that she's going to be "predictably unpredictable", as some members say. So, instead of getting sucked into how she's behaving in one moment, you'd have a broader context where you could tell yourself: "Oh yeah, even though feel bad about her situation now, over the last 8 months she's flip flopped 23 times, so what she's doing is consistent with her unpredictability". And then you can decide to return your focus to -- I must be the consistent one, for our child.

Could be something to try...

kells76

[NarcsEverywhere]

Pretty much agree with kellls, she’s like a wild animal, and trying to get her to not be that way is fruitless. You can only control yourself in this situation, she’s too far gone to do much. It’s hard with a kid in tow, so glad I don’t have kids with any of them. I got lucky and my ex got pregnant with her next target right after me, she always said she couldn’t have kids, whew.

[SinisterComplex]

I would recommend keeping a journal of her behaviors as my cohort Kells mentioned. Additionally, something to keep in mind...you will have to get comfortable with being the driver in a given situation. In essence, set strong and stiff boundaries and never relinquish the boundaries. Also, being willing to take the lead more. If dealing with someone with the behaviors you've described you must set the tone. You cannot use logic or expect the other person to reasonably see the error of their ways.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-