I wasn't expecting it, but my SO dumped me last week, apparently for real this time. (she's BPD and Bipolar 1 rapid cycling, bipolar is more stable lately but the personality disorder was still was a big issue, specially since she's not been going to therapy in over 2 years)
She broke up with me dozens of times in the past 6 years, but it was always an emotional outburst. This time she planned it and it's been over a week.
The relationship wasn't good and she was terrible to me the past several months. But she's been such a big part of my life, this is the longest relationship I'v ever had. Everything reminds me of her and I don't know how or when I will be able to shut down this feeling of commitment I feel for her.
I don't blame her for dumping me, I understand why she did. She's always been selfish and I'v been really depressed past couple years, I haven't been doing much and I think she started to see me as a failure and lost the respect she once might have had for me. Despite my depression and financial problems, I was always caring with her and gave her all the love and support, I hoped it was enough, but I guess it wasn't. Past few months she was barely even looking or talking to be, she was always looking at her phone. I'v also been severely frustrated sexually because she wasn't really having sex with me anymore and I'v always had a huge libido, we used to have a lot of sex and past few months or even year we were having sex 2-3 times a month. This is the weirdest and saddest thing for me while we were together because I always satisfied her in the past and felt confident she wasn't lacking anything on that aspect, but lately she didn't even want to be satisfied by me.
I always had the fear of not being able to show weakness near her and dropping my guard cuz I feared she'd lose respect for me, I guess I was right. I'm not a loser or weak individual, I always go head first and am confident, but I'v always felt the need of coming home and not having to worry about being tough and being with someone I could be vulnerable with so I could replenish my energy to go back outside where I had to be strong.
2 years ago I got horribly ill and never fully recovered, that really put me on a downward spiral, both physically and mentally, she wasn't much help and I guess she got tired of it. But now I don't know how to move on and I still don't know how I'm going to get back on track, specially so alone.
Everything reminds me of her and I'v always had a problem letting go of things that mean something to me. I'v had a hard time cleaning my hair brush last week because some of her hair was there, it's been a damn week and I can't stop thinking I put those hairs in the trash, it feel ridiculous even saying it out loud.
I know she wasn't the greatest person to be with, but I can't stop feeling what I feel for her. She means a lot to me. I was in constant conflict thinking about having kids with her and how was I going to raise my children teaching what was right and what was wrong but their mom would do horrible things or simply be too selfish. Still I don't know how to let go, I read people really well usually unless I'm that involved and I legit stay away from a lot of people I see being horrible people, but she's not like that, she's got really bad faults, but I like to think she's a good human being with great qualities. She's so damn gorgeous too, that's awfully hard, anybody would fall for her. She used to be an international model.
I keep thinking she either will never be able to be with someone long term with the way she acts, if that's the case, I feel horrible for her, nobody deserves that. If she can be with someone, I'd wish it was me.
After so many years with her I could see myself enduring the bad part, but the kids part really crushed me. I'v wanted to have kids since before I was 10. I'v had a rough childhood and I want to give what I didn't have, being a good father is probably my top priority in life.
I'm so conflicted
please help.
