How does living with a spouse wBPD change you

[support1234]

I had written earlier that I really do wonder if I now have something that would fall under the personality disorder umbrella but I feel like it’s a result of living in this mess for so long (20+ years). I don’t even recognize myself most of the time.

I am working so hard on the idea of focusing on what I can control (my reaction) and making sure I do what I feel is right, but I can’t seem to find a healthy path.

My husband sends me nasty texts when he is mad. So I block him. He tells me I am ignoring him and withdrawing. And I am. I am withdrawing. I don’t know how else to cope when there is an onslaught of insults.

I said something today I am not proud of. I apologized (granted with some added context which is a bad habit I’m working on), but I apologized again and did so in front of our child which is something that is a big deal to him. He feels like if our kids see me lose my patience I should apologize in front of them. Seems reasonable so that is fine, but he is still being so nasty to me. So I just try to avoid him and disengage.

I just don’t know how else to survive without disengaging when trying to have a conversation doesn’t work. If I am contrite and apologetic and bear myself up then the conversation can move forward, but I don’t want to do that. I made one mistake. I am fine if he still is mad or hurt or upset for as long as he needs - it’s just the constant text harassment that is too much.
(An aside was coming into my locked office while I was in a meeting to write me a note saying “you are the problem” but that’s another level - unless anyone else resonates with that experience.)

[livednlearned]

Many of us get really turned around, and turned inside-out in relationships with untreated BPD. These relationships can feel crazy-making.

My husband sends me nasty texts when he is mad. So I block him. He tells me I am ignoring him and withdrawing. And I am. I am withdrawing. I don’t know how else to cope when there is an onslaught of insults.

Have you had a chance to read this article: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-downfour stages of relationship breakdown

Which stages describes where you and your husband are?

coming into my locked office while I was in a meeting to write me a note saying “you are the problem” but that’s another level - unless anyone else resonates with that experience.

Do you find yourself agreeing with things he writes/texts?

[support1234]

Do you find yourself agreeing with things he writes/texts?

I am pretty strong willed so when I’m told that I ruin everything or am the problem, etc. I don’t agree necessarily but when you are told the same thing for so long it sure makes you question the validity of it. I don’t agree but I do wonder…

Thanks for the article, I will try to stomach it :/ having a down moment.
In a room of 50 teens getting nasty phone calls from him.

[EyesUp]

I agree - a relationship of 25 years - almost half my life - changed me. 

I suppose that this could be true for almost any longterm relationship, but when dealing with n/BPD, there are necessarily large and persistent shifts in behavior in order to enable the show to go on...

In my case, I'm an only child, and I'm certain I had plenty of classic only child attributes - some of those attributes are n/BPD-ish: e.g., a high degree of self-centeredness.

But after 25 years of deference and general tiptoeing on eggshells, I certainly don't expect my wants, needs, or interests to come first. I'm far more collaborative, open-ended, and attuned to the needs of others - not just in my immediate personal relationships, but in general.

I'm sure everyone is different, but I think the answer to your question is:  It changes you. The end of my marriage offered a chance to reclaim some long forgotten things that were - and are - important to me. I feel incredibly fortunate to have this chance to reboot. It hurt like hell, but I'm sure you've heard the line about the definition of pain:  It's weakness, leaving the body.