I have written a post before but i got frightened and deleted it.
My non identical twin sister has been diagnosed with BPD.
She has had a very traumatic life and has had a lot to deal with. We have two much older siblings that were not in the house as we grew up and are pretty much pre occupied with their own families/lives to ever get involved with our family dynamic.
Our Mom was a single parent raising us and when we we’re teenagers my twin and her relationship broke down due to a trauma that my mom did not handle very well as a parent. Leaving me to try take care of and protect my wild, teenage sister from having anymore traumatic experience’s, which i failed at.
My mom was pretty useless during these years, instead of trying to re-gain my sisters trust she took the whole thing personally and in turn they both alienated one another, leaving me in the middle. My sister barley talked to our Mom for many years. Leaving me to become a sort of mom figure\caregiver (un knowingly) too my sister, which she now HATES me for.
During our adolescent years i also endured some really horrible traumas but felt because of my sister, there was simply no room for me to share/ talk about what was going on in my life. My mother has always made it clear that her main concern has always been my sister, this is something that has continued into my adult life.
The reason i am now writing this post is because i am recently sober and my family dynamic is triggering me to want to use. Especially my dynamic with my sister. Our father was an addict\alcoholic and it’s of upmost importance that i stay away from my substance of choice, in hope that i do not end up like him.
However this situation is a direct threat too my sobriety and i can’t seem to get any support on getting my sister the help she needs from my family as our Mom lives in constant fear\denial of my sister and her condition. Often saying that she was miss diagnosed.
My sister and i own a business together that i am not willing, at this time, to walk away from as it’s my life’s work. This makes my predicament even worse. I don’t know what to do anymore, i don’t know how to handle this situation and when i found this forum i felt relieved that other people have similar experiences to myself.
Anyway my sis has a terribly wicked temper that can ignite within a split second, with what seems little rhyme or reason. She says some of the worst things imaginable, sends hoards of abusive text messages\emails, punches holes in walls, threatens suicide and has frequent violent outburst’s.
She and i no longer live together but for the many years we did i constantly felt anxiety riddled waiting on her next physical assault. I’ve suffered a lot from her abuse as i seem to be her favourite personal punching bag metaphorically and physically.
Our mom was a witness to a lot of this and has done very little to help me or her. I think she often boils it down to just siblings fighting but honestly it is NOT that. As someone who has suffered physical and mental abuse before it makes loving my family very difficult.
I love my sister very much but i no longer like her or feel safe with her. I am ashamed to say that i can get sucked into arguments with my sister and find myself now saying horrible things in return. Even on occasion i have gotten physical with her because of the abuse i endure on a regular basis. Which leaves me feeling ashamed\disgusted however sometimes i feel good about not being\feeling like a victim again.
I guess i have posted this as there are very few people in my life that i can tell the truth of our relationship. We share a lot of the same friends and of course work colleagues. I’m ashamed\ scared to tell them what goes on behind closed doors because what if it got back to her? what if they started looking at her differently\ acting different with her and she was to find out why?. I’d be in BIG trouble. Also the shame surrounding it eats at me everyday. People think i’m a strong woman, my friends often come to me for what they need to hear not want to hear…what if they knew what i really put up with?
Anyway i’m sorry for the long post. I feel real lost and this is the last place i can turn. Please does anyone have any advice for how to handle this situation better. How to handle my mom and her denial? How to handle the rage texts and the verbal abuse? How to retrain myself during her episodes?
I am truly drained.
