uBPD adult mother

[catmae1]

Hi, I'm new here 
From reading through this site having searched for unusual behaviours that my mum (who is in her 70s) displays i've just come to the realisation that she almost certainly  has uBPD (and possibly bipolar too).
My relationship with her has always been very toxic. She was unable to show any love or affection when I was a child, was often neglectful, and put our family under a lot of strain financially as she is a compulsive spender and has zero awareness of the consequences of her actions. My parents divorced when I was 14 largely due to my mother's behaviours and refusal to seek help.
Ever since I left home at the age of 18, she has rung me incessantly every day (sometimes continuosly until I answer), she has no boundaries (would ring hotels when I was on holiday and ring my workplaces continuously over the years). She has often been very manipulative and used emotional blackmail. This has caused me to suffer from anxiety and depression for the last 20 years. There have been times where I have cut off contact with her (we moved to new Zealand for 7 years) but currently, as she is ageing and I am her next of kin and one of only 2 family members living in the same country as her (UK) I have been drawn back into being very involved with her. She has had 10 hospital admissions in the last 2 years and each time I have to make a 150 mile dash to the hospital which has caused me a lot of stress. A couple of years ago she was in a coma after suffering a brain hemorrhage and I discovered that she was severely in debt and had hidden this and I had to sort out her debts as I have power of attorney for if she is deemed to lack mental capacity. Despite multiple people telling her she needs to stop spending, she continues to do so and I fear she'll end up loosing everything in the not too distant future. I think she would be safer in a care home due to the many falls and hospital admissions she's had but she's adamant she doesn't want to leave her home. Her GP says she has mental capacity even if her actions and decisions are deemed by her family members to be unwise or irresponsible. The incessant phone calls are so draining and she does this to her home care company too to the point where she has been through several care companies because they can't deal with her incessant calls and demands.
I've come to the conclusion that she'll never change, she is in complete denial about the phone calls and her spending and other behaviours and will never engage with any type of professional help. Therefore I need to learn to manage how I deal with her for my own wellbeing. I feel very conflicted as I think i have a lot of unresolved anger towards her but also feel somehow responsible and that I will be judged as not doing enough to help her now she is elderly. I am about to start EMDR therapy. Sorry this is such a long post - it's a relief to finally have a space to talk about this.

[Methuen]

I've come to the conclusion that she'll never change, she is in complete denial about the phone calls and her spending and other behaviours and will never engage with any type of professional help. Therefore I need to learn to manage how I deal with her for my own wellbeing. I feel very conflicted as I think i have a lot of unresolved anger towards her but also feel somehow responsible and that I will be judged as not doing enough to help her now she is elderly. I am about to start EMDR therapy. Sorry this is such a long post - it's a relief to finally have a space to talk about this.

This is word for word what I and others have said and concluded.  I came to this conclusion about 3 years ago, and the gong show continues.  I do not understand why the medical system determines these people to be competent when they so clearly make decisions that harm their own health.  When a parent neglects a child, social services gets involved to protect the child.  When an adult’s actions result in self-harm, they are competent. Aren’t our parents with BPD, children in adult bodies?
  My advise is to start prioritizing your own needs.  One of the issues as I see it is that we were groomed by them to be their caretakers. It was our normal.  Now when they are elderly, they take advantage of social expectations to care for a parent - it fits their narrative perfectly.  Yes they tell others we are terrible daughters.  The truth is the people they tell eventually get “used” as well, and eventually burn out.  So people eventually catch on even if it takes time.  I digress. We were groomed to be their caretakers.  Now we are rearranging our lives including friends and family and work and other things to meet their insatiable needs while sacrificing our own . One key is to shift, and not drop what you are doing to dash 150 miles to her.  
They choose to live independently and refuse assisted living.  So let them live independently. Otherwise we are enabling.  We have needs too.  I am tired of being held an emotional hostage. If you loved me you wouldn’t go on holidays.  You are so selfish! I was such a good mother (she wasn’t) and now when I really need you, you’re not here for me! You don’t love me!  This is emotional hostage taking, and I choose not to be a hostage by better prioritizing and balancing my needs with hers.  This is ok and normal. I have had to learn that, and learn that it doesn’t make me a bad person.  But that is not what our mothers taught us.
  If others judge us, that is on them. They don’t have our lived experience.  We have to not let ourselves be held emotional hostage by that either.
  Catmae1, it’s ok to look after you too. And your friends and family and work and community. And not drop those things when she says “come now! I need you!”  Who is the self-absorbed selfish one?

[TelHill]

I'm a daughter of an elderly dBPD mother. I was a caregiver for her and had to stop to protect my mental health. I reverted to my childhood roles of being a whipping post for her rage and a parent to her. My father lives with her and my brother lived very close by. They did nothing to help her or to support me emotionally though I asked many times. I wanted to work as a team with them but it fell on deaf ears.  They denied she had a mental illness when I asked for help.

You are very smart to plan for your well being. I'd suggest taking  everything she says with a grain of salt. . Learn to separate the true medical emergencies from the malingering for attention.  The latter is a means of manipulating you for further service and perhaps spending your money.   Remember that No is a complete sentence.  

My mom was hospitalized a few months ago and I spent a bit of time with them. My mom's brother came by and he gave me a really cold stare. I had the feeling my mom and brother had told him I was a selfish daughter for quitting caregiving a few years before. It was unpleasant.  I had no alternative under the circumstances though.   I realized the source of my uncle's information was an elderly woman with bpd and cognitive impairment and a golden child who enjoyed telling stories to make himself look like a wonderful person. Not so reliable to say the least.  

[catmae1]

Thank you TelHill and Methuen - it makes me feel less alone knowing that there are others who have very similar experiences and also confirms that I am not selfish and shouldn't feel guilty about finally prioritizing my own (and my husband and children's) wellbeing.

[Tangled mangled]

Thank you TelHill and Methuen - it makes me feel less alone knowing that there are others who have very similar experiences and also confirms that I am not selfish and shouldn't feel guilty about finally prioritizing my own (and my husband and children's) wellbeing.

I second what others have said. Your needs come first.

 As someone who has had experience working in the UK healthcare system, you have my sympathy and support not to put your own life on hold to dash 150miles to run to your mum’s needs. She’s free to call an ambulance and when she gets to the hospital she will be in safe hands.
I echo what some have said on these forums: The 3C Rule : you did not cause it, you can not cure it, you can not control it.

Looks like you have already created space, I wonder if any of the services can be used to check in her while you receive treatment for your mental health. Let someone else deal with it as she has refused to go into assisted living. Don’t let  the FOG ( Fear, Obligation and Guilt) hold you back, your needs come first.

[catmae1]

I second what others have said. Your needs come first.

 As someone who has had experience working in the UK healthcare system, you have my sympathy and support not to put your own life on hold to dash 150miles to run to your mum’s needs. She’s free to call an ambulance and when she gets to the hospital she will be in safe hands.
I echo what some have said on these forums: The 3C Rule : you did not cause it, you can not cure it, you can not control it.

Looks like you have already created space, I wonder if any of the services can be used to check in her while you receive treatment for your mental health. Let someone else deal with it as she has refused to go into assisted living. Don’t let  the FOG ( Fear, Obligation and Guilt) hold you back, your needs come first.

Thank you Tangled Mangled. I'd never heard of the 3Cs or FOG but love that!
She has home care going in three times a day and a cleaner/home help twice a week plus a gardener so she already has plenty of people checking on her and running her errands. I've blocked her number so that she can't call me but can leave voicemails. I've always said I'd ring her on Mondays and Fridays but as she would never stick to that and would ring many times every day I decided to block her so that I control when I speak to her. She still leaves several voicemails a day but I've stopped calling her back and just wait until the Monday or Friday as they are normally nothing urgent, just her telling me about her latest medical issues (I think she has Munchausen's) or asking when I'm next visiting. In the past, I'd get so frustrated by all the calls and messages that I'd eventually give in and call her back but I've realised that's exactly what she wants so my current strategy of sticking to the Monday and Friday calls and not responding to anything non urgent in-between is my attempt to lay down some boundaries.

[Tangled mangled]

Thank you Tangled Mangled. I'd never heard of the 3Cs or FOG but love that!
She has home care going in three times a day and a cleaner/home help twice a week plus a gardener so she already has plenty of people checking on her and running her errands. I've blocked her number so that she can't call me but can leave voicemails. I've always said I'd ring her on Mondays and Fridays but as she would never stick to that and would ring many times every day I decided to block her so that I control when I speak to her. She still leaves several voicemails a day but I've stopped calling her back and just wait until the Monday or Friday as they are normally nothing urgent, just her telling me about her latest medical issues (I think she has Munchausen's) or asking when I'm next visiting. In the past, I'd get so frustrated by all the calls and messages that I'd eventually give in and call her back but I've realised that's exactly what she wants so my current strategy of sticking to the Monday and Friday calls and not responding to anything non urgent in-between is my attempt to lay down some boundaries.

Sounds great, looks like you have created a sensible distance from the engineered chaos.
Remember she can up the chaos by creating ‘emergency situations’ for you to respond to / fake urgency.

Again, if she has a fall or is in any danger, some elderly patients have a personal alarm bracelet that can be used to call services ( don’t know what it’s called but maybe your mum has it) . I think it is serviced by a company.
Take care and continue to look after yourself first.