My Friend has BPD and I don't know if I can take it anymore

[feelingf@!ked]

Hello,

I am new here and I don't know where else to go.  I have a good friend that has BPD. I met her 5 years ago when I was the manager at an agency and she was a designer. We became quite close but I recognized there were certain aspects of her that were different and sometimes very alarming.  I talked her into therapy, where after a while she was diagnosed with BPD. It became clear that I am her "favorite person" despite 17 years age difference (I am older). She is a wonderful person, a generous friend and quite talented.  However, I am always walking on eggshells.  I have a full life with a close circle of friends and my own business. I spend a lot of time with her but it's never enough.  She gets jealous easily of my friends, my life and well everything.  When we are hanging out, she will all of a sudden get moody and broody, leave and then spend the whole night messaging me telling me how I don't care.  When I don't cater to her mood, "Im not listening" and "she is always wrong and never me". I don't even understand what is happening and why she is upset in the first place. She makes a point of telling me what impulsive things she is doing when I'm not there. If I don't react, I don't care. When I do, she revels in it. We have a couple of friends in common that she always puts them down behind their backs but in their face she is sweet as pie. If I don't agree with her when she is talking behind their backs (which I never do as they are my friends), she accuses me of taking their side or idolizing them.  She is always looking for a reason to test me and then tells me I'm not doing enough or I'm not listening. My days are consumed with listening to her, reassuring her, being there for her.  It's always about her.  I have started feeling guilty for doing anything outside of our friendship as it will end in her being "triggered".  She creates situations that don't exist and then gets angry when I don't react as per her script.  I mentioned this to her and now I am the devil as I said something so hurtful.  I'm not sure what was so hurtful as it's fact.  I am uncomfortable and don't know what to do anymore. Any help would be appreciated.

[livednlearned]

This is a really good place to seek support, glad you found the site.

And it's great you were able to suggest therapy, and she went (!) That's not a very common story here. She shared with you the diagnosis, which I'm guessing is a sign she accepts she has BPD?

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by someone with BPD. The feelings of emptiness can feel near chronic and there is often a zero tolerance for being (or even feeling) alone. That's not something other people can fix or cure or change for her, even FPs.

It's probably wise to set boundaries with her since she's starting to consume your days. She will test new boundaries to see if they are real (called extinction burst or counter moves). In my experience the most effective boundaries are non-verbal. When I've made them verbally very clear the testing behaviors seemed to escalate, altho sometimes a hybrid of the two can help.

"I will be away from my phone for 4 hours. I can check in when I'm reconnected."

Then keep that boundary. Regardless of what she might text, let it go so you aren't sending the message that your boundary is wishy-washy. Many of us find that it's better to suffer the inconvenience of a boundary than assert one only to surrender it, since the lesson is that pressure works and the next time exert more.

Do you know if she is getting treatment for her BPD?

[feelingf@!ked]

Thank you so much for replying.  She just started therapy for BPD after years of just winging it.  But she is not taking the therapy very seriously unless she thinks I would be upset (she has done 2 sessions in 5 months). I do understand that therapy, any therapy can be hard and unnerving.  I don't blame her for that.  The thing is that I am so tired and sick of it all but I do love her and want her to be happy and healthy.  I promised her I wouldn't leave her but it is affecting my life.  I made a promise and I don't want to break that promise.  I don't want to be an example of someone who leaves.   I just don't know how to stay anymore. Imagine, she is just a friend .  It sounds like a lover but no. Just a friend. Yet, it's become as if my whole life revolves around her and this etc.

[Older sister]

(Not sure if this is an acceptable way to respond-apologies/delete?)
Read through the forum to see if it’s worth it. Many of us involved with pwBPD tend to end up the same way: bewildered, discarded and bitter. It takes a long time to heal, and this involves a deep dive into our own self-understanding: what makes us vulnerable to this codependent dynamic? Our best intentions and efforts are misconstrued and twisted. We become trauma bonded to these poor souls. You’re are a generous person to someone who is not even a family member. Look at the relationship’s effects on you now. It won’t likely improve.

[livednlearned]

There is a book called Get Me Out of Here, a memoir about a woman in therapy to treat her BPD. I don't know what type of therapy she did (and even then, my guess is that what helped her most was her motivation to get better), I only remember how specific and rather rigid the boundaries her therapist had with/for her.

It might be worth reading to get a sense of how important it is to set and keep these boundaries as a way to protect your friendship.

In my experience, boundaries are a compassionate act that help someone with BPD feel safe, for lack of a better word. On some level, she knows she is out of control. And if she is whittling away at your sense of self, then she's bringing you into her chaos instead of you helping her provide stability, even if it's fleeting.

I experienced some degree of success with my stepdaughter (26) who lived with my husband and I while completing college, although success is relative to how severe BPD can be when untreated.
Success for me is mostly defined by neutralizing the most problematic behaviors. Our relationship is almost entirely one where I am trying to assert compassionate boundaries 100 percent of the time.

It helped when I began talking to a therapist who validated how insidious the BPD behaviors were and helped me construct boundaries based on what I was finding most challenging.

SD26's behaviors are not acting-out BPD, she is more quiet and waif-like and the neediness and clinginess are unrelenting and insidious. She lived with us for 4 hours while completing college. My husband and I couldn't go out for dinner alone without her text bombing him throughout dinner until he gave in and came home. The reason we wanted to go out for dinner is because she was like Velcro at home. We felt there was virtually no time to ourselves.

I ended up having to set boundaries with him, so that I could have boundaries with her. I stopped saying yes to dinner out alone but agreed to go out with friends. At first, he was frustrated/hurt/confused that I would stay longer with friends when he inevitably felt compelled to return home after being text-bombed all dinner by SD26. I sort of modeled for him what it looked like to set dispassionate boundaries and while he is still more likely to enable SD26, he has definitely moved the needle toward having better boundaries. He would get exasperated and say, "What am I supposed to say to SD26 when she texts me she has no friends and feels like there's no point in living?" My response was to suggest a way to handle things next time (there is always a next time). Like letting her know he wouldn't be checking texts while he was out for 90 minutes and would text her to let her know when he was on his way home.

With your friendship, what are the top three things driving you nuts?

If texting you at all hours of the day is a problem, setting a boundary might mean being clear with her about when you will be available. A compassionate way to set a boundary is to be explicit about when your black out times are with reassurance that you'll be in touch when that time period expires. However, some pwBPD seem to perceive compassion as a weakness because it is a step away from giving in. I found it best with my stepdaughter to just have the boundary. I have never expressly said that I don't respond to texts that feel manipulative, I just don't respond to them. This includes text messages like, "Last time I was there you said something that really upset me." Or, "LnL (with my name spelled wrong) do you think my cat needs to go to the vet?"

Another boundary might be ignoring any impulsive acts she texts you. Find someone you can talk to if the acts are worrisome. My therapist helped me self-validate when I felt I was being manipulated by SD26. In the early years, she always had relationship problems, either with bosses or classmates or professors. One of the things that worked with her was to only ask validating questions. "That sounds really hard. What did you do next?" Or "Huh. wow. Then what?" I stopped offering any advice whatsoever and over time she seemed to phase me out because it was too hard to figure things out on her own.
 

[feelingf@!ked]

Hello,

Thank you all for responding.

With your friendship, what are the top three things driving you nuts?

The most difficult things are:
1. She is fine with absolutely everyone but always depressed with me. She creates situations in her own mind and expected  me to cater to her every mood, feeling etc when I honestly don't even know what is going on Ex: the other day she was over and working from my house.  I made a lovely steak lunch and we ate and then continued working. in the early evening our mutual friends called and asked to have lunch with us the next day. I told them, in front of her that I had plans the next day (which did not include my BPD friend) but let's all have lunch the day after. From there she sulked, and her energy became so heavy. I tried suggesting watching something together or making something but she refused and went home. The minute she left, probably still in the elevator, she started texting me that I don't care, she just wanted to do something nice etc. I told her I tried to suggest things etc but I won't constantly beg and she took that very badly and now I'm the devil. She spins a tornado and I get so confused and bewildered and then she claims I don't listen. We haven't spoke in 2 days as she did not join the group lunch.

2. Often when I have plans with other people I do invite her. At the last minute she always pulls drama and doesn't come but then texts all night about how lonely she is etc.

3. She complains all day and night but only to me. Everything in her life is crap (nothing in her life is actually crap).Then she will tell me about the impulsive things she is thinking about doing. Really silly and dangerous stuff and then I have to give it even more attention talking her out of it.  It's exhausting.

[livednlearned]

How your friendship evolves probably has a lot to do with what expectations you have for her.

There are communication and relationship skills that can create a validating environment (or at a minimum, stop making things worse). At the end of the day it comes down to your boundaries.

My stepdaughter (26) is extremely somatic. If it were up to her, we would talk ad nauseum about her digestive system, her lightheadedness, dizziness, menstrual cramps, headaches, leg cramps, rashes, itches, bowel movements, diarrhea, nausea, whether she slept well.

I realized I was asking how she felt, how she slept, and when she answered, I would validate her and/or ask follow-up questions. So I stopped. She is still very somatic but less so with me. I consider having her be less somatic to be a success.

She spins a tornado and I get so confused and bewildered and then she claims I don't listen. We haven't spoke in 2 days as she did not join the group lunch

How much time is devoted to the tornado? Are you genuinely interested or are you beginning to realize a lot of this is being generated by her own feelings (versus facts) Is it ok she doesn't join the group for lunch? When she resurfaces, does it seem like the tornado never happened?

2. Often when I have plans with other people I do invite her. At the last minute she always pulls drama and doesn't come but then texts all night about how lonely she is etc.

That's kind of you to invite her. She seems to want you to herself. You get punished for not understanding that.

3. She complains all day and night but only to me. Everything in her life is crap (nothing in her life is actually crap).Then she will tell me about the impulsive things she is thinking about doing. Really silly and dangerous stuff and then I have to give it even more attention talking her out of it.  It's exhausting.

Have you thought about not talking her out of these things?

[feelingf@!ked]

How much time is devoted to the tornado? Are you genuinely interested or are you beginning to realize a lot of this is being generated by her own feelings (versus facts) Is it ok she doesn't join the group for lunch? When she resurfaces, does it seem like the tornado never happened?

It is generated by her feelings that she has developed in her mind. It is absolutely OK with me if she does not join for lunch but she will turn it around to say I don't care. When she resurfaces, she will want to talk about it but so I apologize. Like I said, I get all confused so I generally do apologize. She expects me to beg her to come to lunch but I can't keep doing that. It's exhausting.

That's kind of you to invite her. She seems to want you to herself. You get punished for not understanding that.

Very true.

Have you thought about not talking her out of these things?

I tried that but she just amps it all up. I mean, if someone is telling you they are about to do something dangerous, how do you say nothing? I don't know.

[livednlearned]

if someone is telling you they are about to do something dangerous, how do you say nothing? I don't know.

It seems like she found a way to hook you so you won't abandon her.

If she figures out what keeps you on the phone or what gets your attention, she'll keep doing that thing.

Ways to care for her without jumping into the deep end with her:

"That sounds risky. Have you talked to your therapist about whether this is good for you?"

"I'm glad you shared this with me. I wish I knew how to help. Have you talked to your therapist  about this?"

Keep saying it.

Chances are she'll get mad at the change in behavior. She liked how it worked before, she doesn't like the new thing, so she throws a fit to get you back to being the way she liked.

You have to ignore the fit. It's a test.

A book I found helpful (excerpts are on this site) is I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms. There's a chapter on asking validating questions that can help you validate her without solving her problems.

She wants you to focus on her, and she's learned that having problems/threatening to do dangerous things makes you focused on her.

She's being rewarded for talking about doing dangerous things.

And yes, she might do them.

These are not easy relationships.

[beatricex]

hi FeelingF,

welcome.  I haven't come here in awhile, I have a couple sBPDs in my life. 

I looked at your entire thread and a thought came to me towards the end.  Is there a short reply phrase you could say to make your BPD feel better?  Maybe something like "I see you I hear you."

Maybe you could test this out the next time you get text bombed.  Keep it short and focused on them, of course.  Repeat as needed.

My own BPD mother has co-occuring OCD and I believe she feels reassured by someone who will just listen to her pain but offer no advise. 

After going through Family Connections, I do believe "fixing" their problem is the last thing they want to do as they're painfully aware that would take work on their part and what they really desire is someone who will just tolerate them better to stick around.

I hear you, this is tough
good luck
b