Feeling like I can't talk to my friends about my relationship

[TravelLove]

Hi everybody. 2 years in a relationship with my boyfriend who has BPD. He was diagnosed a year ago, and has done a fair amount of therapy and just started DBT classes. Most of the time things are relatively good.

The main isssue I have is when there's a conflict going on that I used to talk to my friends about. When he originally got diagnosed with BPD and I eventually decided to stay with him, I think my friends were surprised. I feel committed to him and to working through things. He has improved a lot. But I feel isolated sometimes when there's an issue. I don't want to tell my friends about it because I don't want think them to think badly of him, so I just end up feeling lonely and isolated.

I'm hoping somebody in here might understand.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Trying123]

I totally understand. I stopped talking to my family and close friends about stuff going on in my marriage because, to put it bluntly, his actions towards me would cause them to hate him. About a year ago I joined a 12 step program and I talk with them instead. They understand and care but are far enough removed from my life and anonymous to my ubpdh.

[kells76]

Hi TravelLove and welcome. This is definitely a place that "gets it" about how issues in relationships with pwBPD aren't "normal" issues, and talking about those issues with friends who don't know much about BPD can be a non-starter.

Like Trying123 mentioned, sometimes friends and family can be so close to us and want the best for us so much, that they hear about big conflicts and say -- why are you with him, why not just move on.

Staying in a relationship with a pwBPD is a personal decision that people make for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it does take finding a specialized group (like 12 Steps/AA/this group/etc) in order to have a place to share about big conflicts in those relationships, and to get problemsolving tools, without the sometimes "knee-jerk" reactions of "get out while you can".

All that to say -- we definitely understand.

Feel free to settle in, read some other threads, and definitely check out our section of articles on When a partner has BPD.

Fill us in on how things are going;

kells76

[Augustine]

Yes, I completely understand.

1. I was the soul of discretion during my relationship, never breathing a word about it’s unique attributes.

2. Describing what was occurring would have been counter productive, as most people would have found my disclosures/explanations completely unfathomable.

3. It was a painfully lonely universe to occupy. I had many, many desperate moments when I’d ache to confide in someone-anyone-and I’d pour my troubles out in emails to my friends, but the messages were never sent.

4. I just chose to accept full responsibility for the decision I made, and it’s not one that would ever have been understood by anyone else.