Triggered by landlords emotional reaction. Reminded me of uBPD/NPD mom

[almalma]

  I'm in desperate need of some words of encouragement and clarity.
vent ahead.

It's a long story, but I moved into a new apartment few months ago after having the worst luck with apartments. After moving in and having to do the move alone, I was already feeling tired. I thought that after I settled in I could start healing in peace from the stuff that's been going on with my FOO and other relationships. However, I quickly realized that the upstairs neighbor was a noisy night owl and the apartment has poor noise insulation. Every single noise from upstairs is amplified and the walls shake in my apartment. The neighbor kept stomping manically around their apartment at night and I wasn't able to sleep for almost 2 months due to it. I was constantly on edge until the neighbor had to move out due to other issues. So, the problem with the noise insulation went unaddressed.

I've been contacting my landlady and the building super in order to get the insulation checked and maybe fixed (as demanded by law in my country) and at first I seemed to be getting along with the landlady. But today I received a pretty nasty message from her saying that she's "getting tired of dealing with the issue" and that she's had no similar problems in the 10 years she's been renting the apartment out. She said that no house can develop structural damage suddenly. She also said that she will come over next week to "talk it through" and that "she will not be discussing the issue with me during the weekend". So, I was made out to be the problem and blamed for being "too noise sensitive" and punished for standing up for my rights as a tenant. The way she just TOLD me that she'll be coming over at some point is disrespectful in my opinion and triggering for me. It was just rude bc she didn't ask whether if we could meet up and talk. She didn't suggest a date. Instead, she barked orders at me and apparently expects me to comply with them. I was sent straight back to my childhood with my mother and I got so devastated and triggered that my limbs and face went numb and I dissociated. I felt like a small child.

Now I'm scared to be assertive with her and scared that she'll be super hard to deal with in the future. I'm just so freaking tired of dealing with difficult people who make me feel unreasonable and bad for having any needs. I've tried my best to be diplomatic with the landlady and I've chosen my words carefully when talking with her and that's why I think that her outburst was uncalled for. I suppose I was kind of walking on eggshells with her if I was being so careful.. So, again I had ignored my intuition and here we are again    

I do think that I'm somehow scapegoated by everyone I come into closer contact with, and bc of that I struggle to have hope that it'll ever change for my benefit. I'm not the kind of person who likes to dominate others and I could care less about "marking my territory" so that people won't pee on my yard. I think people can sense that and then they take advantage of it. I'm like an oblivious fool who doesn't know if someone is laughing at them or laughing with them.

I can't see my life getting much better after everything's that's happened with my family and I feel even more hopeless and stuck due to this apartment issue. I can't even move bc I'm contractually obliged to live here for at least 12 months nor do I have the energy. If I move, I have to pay a fine and I have no money to spare because I'm not working at the moment.
And to make things worse, my sister lives in the same building and is the acting president of the building's residential board (or whatever it's called in actual english ). So, in a way she has power over me. I don't understand why the landlady is behaving like this as it is her duty to deal with issues regarding the apartment. It's like I'm not allowed to have basic legal rights.

I have no one to go to for support (except a weekly peer support group for adult kids of narcissists) and I can only validate myself to a certain point. Today's incident seems too much to handle, I don't know why. I know it sounds silly, but similar encounters seem to pile up on me and it's hard not to blame myself after trying to do the right thing.
If I talk to anyone who's involved with my family, I will be met with some form of invalidation or gaslighting and I'm forced to isolate. I'm scared that my family will dominate me until the day I die. My mother and sister have sabotaged and intervened with my life to the point that I no longer know how to function.
I don't know how I'll be able to recover from the situation I'm in rn and sometimes I feel like my life is over. I cry every day due to pure exhaustion (money anxieties, the apartment issue, chronic pain, grief, anger) and from dealing with the loss of everything that once was my life. It wasn't real, I know, but still.

I'm tired of being mistreated and not having the strength to defend myself. I just want peace and it seems impossible to achieve when I'm such an easy target.

PS. No need to worry about my safety even though I must sound quite desperate. I want to go on with my life, but right now I'm too overwhelmed to see things clearly.

[livednlearned]

Oof, I hear you on the noise issues. That can make things so much worse to be chronically tired. Sometimes, just the anticipation of loud noises can make things terrible.
I have had times in my life where it truly feels like rock bottom with no

I know it sounds silly, but similar encounters seem to pile up on me and it's hard not to blame myself after trying to do the right thing.

It doesn't sound silly at all. You want to be able to sleep at night in an apartment you're paying for. Your country has a law that states its your rights to have the insulation checked. Your landlord sounds difficult. Your family isn't supportive, to say the least, and you're in one of those times in life (it happens to many of us) when you're rebuilding.

Are you able to get any sleep rn? If you are feeling chronically underslept that will make everything else seem even more difficult.

[I Am Redeemed]

Your landlady sounds a lot like my last one. She could be very friendly and almost sweet, but if she felt at all that she might have to put money out to fix something significant (or sometimes even something minor), she would get angry and even hostile.

She once went off on my neighbor (who was actually her relative by marriage) because there was mold underneath the house and the neighbor wanted it fixed. This neighbor had gotten really sick and the doctor said there were actual mold spores in her lungs. All she wanted was the mold issue to be fixed. The landlady went off on her by text, accusing her of threatening to sue them, telling her she could move out…then she did have the mold fixed, but raised her rent after that.

My neighbor continued having health issues for the last year and a half. She died of heart failure three weeks ago, and I personally think it was from the stress physically and mentally if being sick all the time.

It’s so hard in these triggering situations to remember that you have not done anything wrong and you have a right to bring up your concerns. Her response does not change that. I totally get what you’re saying about feeling like a small child again and being criticized and blamed just for having needs. The reaction is to make yourself small again and back down, pushing your needs aside out of the fear of what might happen if you continue to advocate for yourself.

If it’s the law where you live, is there somewhere you can go for free legal advice in the event that she refuses to fix it or otherwise retaliates against you?

[TelHill]

So, I was made out to be the problem and blamed for being "too noise sensitive" and punished for standing up for my rights as a tenant. The way she just TOLD me that she'll be coming over at some point is disrespectful in my opinion and triggering for me. It was just rude bc she didn't ask whether if we could meet up and talk. She didn't suggest a date. Instead, she barked orders at me and apparently expects me to comply with them. I was sent straight back to my childhood with my mother and I got so devastated and triggered that my limbs and face went numb and I dissociated. I felt like a small child.

I own but was a renter earlier in my life. Some landlords aren't good with people or manipulative because they are so darn cheap. She probably just doesn't want to fix this. You never know if the former tenant in your unit moved out due to the noise above. You might want to assess if the government entity for these laws is responsive.

Now I'm scared to be assertive with her and scared that she'll be super hard to deal with in the future. I'm just so freaking tired of dealing with difficult people who make me feel unreasonable and bad for having any needs. I've tried my best to be diplomatic with the landlady and I've chosen my words carefully when talking with her and that's why I think that her outburst was uncalled for. I suppose I was kind of walking on eggshells with her if I was being so careful.. So, again I had ignored my intuition and here we are again    

This is actually the right thing to do when it comes to legal issues, especially if you plan on reporting her.  You will look credible and she will look exactly like she is.

I can't see my life getting much better after everything's that's happened with my family and I feel even more hopeless and stuck due to this apartment issue. I can't even move bc I'm contractually obliged to live here for at least 12 months nor do I have the energy. If I move, I have to pay a fine and I have no money to spare because I'm not working at the moment.
And to make things worse, my sister lives in the same building and is the acting president of the building's residential board (or whatever it's called in actual english ). So, in a way she has power over me. I don't understand why the landlady is behaving like this as it is her duty to deal with issues regarding the apartment. It's like I'm not allowed to have basic legal rights.

It's not an ideal situation.  It's a landlords' market in many places in the world. Her behavior is common in my city among rental property owners. There are tenants' unions here run by other tenants or real estate attorneys.

Leases are binding contracts in the US too. There is a way to get out of a lease here by finding a new tenant for the unit or even by subletting.  Your area might a law on this. If they do, you can tell your landlady you plan to do this due to the noise above. She may take action then.

If you have to stay there for a bit, you can talk to the new tenant and ask them to be quiet or to put in a rug over your bedroom to muffle footsteps.  You can get a white noise machine, get earplugs, make sure your bedroom is conducive to a good night's sleep,  and practice good sleep hygiene.

I'm rebuilding too so I know a good night's sleep is very important towards our life's goals.

[almalma]

Oof, I hear you on the noise issues. That can make things so much worse to be chronically tired. Sometimes, just the anticipation of loud noises can make things terrible.
I have had times in my life where it truly feels like rock bottom with no

It doesn't sound silly at all. You want to be able to sleep at night in an apartment you're paying for. Your country has a law that states its your rights to have the insulation checked. Your landlord sounds difficult. Your family isn't supportive, to say the least, and you're in one of those times in life (it happens to many of us) when you're rebuilding.

Are you able to get any sleep rn? If you are feeling chronically underslept that will make everything else seem even more difficult.

Thank you livednlearned for saying that it's not silly.. I've noticed how hard it's been/still is to express my needs - no matter how big or small they are. I feel unreasonable and demanding.

Yes, the landlady does seem difficult and dealing with her takes me back to interactions with my mother and sister. I see the connection and I'm trying to step back without reacting to her hot/cold behavior. I just wish people would be at least reasonable when it comes to these kinds of issues. Law is the law.

I'm only now coming back from being triggered by her message. The unnecessary drama is a lot to take in and it adds fuel to everything that's already difficult to deal with. I don't want to start fighting with her and on the other hand I don't want her to continue and treat me like a doormat. So, I tried to be assertive and told her that there is no need to be rude (among other things still trying to stay respectful). But now I'm dreading to read any messages she might send me in response. She did try and call me after I sent the message but I decided to send her an email saying that I wish to deal with things via email from now on. Hopefully she will calm down and we'll get along.

I'm sleeping somewhat better. Still looking like a raccoon though. The new upstairs neighbor has been keeping me up a little, but they're not as bad as the previous one (knocking on wood in case it gets worse with this one  ). It's not restorative sleep but maybe it'll get better. Thank you again!

[almalma]

I own but was a renter earlier in my life. Some landlords aren't good with people or manipulative because they are so darn cheap. She probably just doesn't want to fix this. You never know if the former tenant in your unit moved out due to the noise above. You might want to assess if the government entity for these laws is responsive.
This is actually the right thing to do when it comes to legal issues, especially if you plan on reporting her.  You will look credible and she will look exactly like she is.

It's not an ideal situation.  It's a landlords' market in many places in the world. Her behavior is common in my city among rental property owners. There are tenants' unions here run by other tenants or real estate attorneys.

Leases are binding contracts in the US too. There is a way to get out of a lease here by finding a new tenant for the unit or even by subletting.  Your area might a law on this. If they do, you can tell your landlady you plan to do this due to the noise above. She may take action then.

If you have to stay there for a bit, you can talk to the new tenant and ask them to be quiet or to put in a rug over your bedroom to muffle footsteps.  You can get a white noise machine, get earplugs, make sure your bedroom is conducive to a good night's sleep,  and practice good sleep hygiene.

I'm rebuilding too so I know a good night's sleep is very important towards our life's goals.

TelHill 

I live in an EU country and we have strict laws on rental apartments but there's no supervision on "bad" behavior or illegal activities. It's too expensive to take legal action and not worth it to fight landlords. Here they have all the power and they seem to think that they can do what they want. Yes, I also thought to myself that the person before me possibly moved out because of the noise from upstairs. They stayed for less that a year so maybe that's it. They made the decision to not get into it with the landlady. Makes perfect sense now  

Thank you for your suggestions on improving sleep hygiene! I'm trying to take care of myself and I'm a chaotic sleeper. I have a bad habit of falling asleep while on the computer (partly bc I'm drowning out possible noise). So, that's something I need to improve on.

But luckily the new neighbor has been less noisy than the previous one. Fingers crossed that it'll stay that way Still not an ideal situation but I decided to cope and then move. I looked into it and if necessary, I have the right to dissolve my contract all together. It's possible if the landlady is refusing to fix issues brought to her attention. In that case I don't have to pay the fine. And I have all communication with her in writing (texts and emails).

Hopefully I'll be also able to transition from renter to owner in the following years Renting seems to be somewhat of a nightmare all over the world. Having a peaceful home and a refuge is so important.

I'm sending you strength in your rebuilding! Take care!

[almalma]

Your landlady sounds a lot like my last one. She could be very friendly and almost sweet, but if she felt at all that she might have to put money out to fix something significant (or sometimes even something minor), she would get angry and even hostile.

She once went off on my neighbor (who was actually her relative by marriage) because there was mold underneath the house and the neighbor wanted it fixed. This neighbor had gotten really sick and the doctor said there were actual mold spores in her lungs. All she wanted was the mold issue to be fixed. The landlady went off on her by text, accusing her of threatening to sue them, telling her she could move out…then she did have the mold fixed, but raised her rent after that.

My neighbor continued having health issues for the last year and a half. She died of heart failure three weeks ago, and I personally think it was from the stress physically and mentally if being sick all the time.

It’s so hard in these triggering situations to remember that you have not done anything wrong and you have a right to bring up your concerns. Her response does not change that. I totally get what you’re saying about feeling like a small child again and being criticized and blamed just for having needs. The reaction is to make yourself small again and back down, pushing your needs aside out of the fear of what might happen if you continue to advocate for yourself.

If it’s the law where you live, is there somewhere you can go for free legal advice in the event that she refuses to fix it or otherwise retaliates against you?

I Am Redeemed, thank you for replying!

Oh no.. That sounds terrible! Makes me so angry and sad to hear stories like that. It's no wonder that unhealthy living conditions, stress and abuse like that leads to serious health issues. I'm sorry for your neighbor.. That is straight out abuse. Having a home that's endangering your health (combined with a cruel landlord) messes with your basic sense of security. And to top it off with an illness.. that's just wrong.. Sadly there are similar stories in my country (EU). People buy huge houses filled with mold and lose their health. Then they lose everything they put into the house money-wise. We're supposed to be one of the most equal counties in the world, but the environmental health officials are helpless (or unwilling to help, I don't know) in dealing with issues like that and housing officials never bother with renters rights. It's easier to move and the landlords keep on breaking the law. Abrasive and unreasonable people seem to lurk everywhere in the society and they get off on having power over others.

I tried to be assertive with my landlady and after my initial despair I sent her a message stating that there's no reason for her to be rude or to take the issue personally. I looked into the issue and found out that I have the right to dissolve the contract if she refuses to fix the issues in reasonable time. And I have her messages in case I need to prove anything. And I don't have to pay the fine if I decide to leave before the mandatory 12 months if I dissolve the contract. In my message I reminded her of this right. She tried to call me the next day but I missed the call. I'm glad I did bc I don't want to hear any abuse on the phone. So, I sent her a new message saying that it's better that we communicate in writing from now on. We'll see what happens, but luckily the new neighbor isn't as bad as the one before. But now I know that I can leave if/when I need to without having to pay the fine or deal with more drama. I feel less helpless and suffocated 

I hope your not currently having issues with your landlord. She/he sounds terrifying. So take care