Learning How to accept

[MarysLove]

After more than 3 decades of loving, supporting and giving all I can to my daughter, I finally have to accept her behavior 1) is not temporary depression, 2) that I cannot help her since I am being blamed for her problems. These are the hardest facts for me to accept. There were 3 times in her short life that she almost died and, while experiencing a successful career, her personal life is filled with chaotic, short-term relationships, debt that exceeds her ability to pay (even with a very healthy income), disappointments,loneliness,  rejections and health issues that are overwhelming.Up until recently, I have not been able to accept that she has a mental illness - probably because she has always blamed her father and I for anything and everything wrong in her life (even genetic health struggles). I feel so hurt, so distraught and mainly confused and lost as to how to handle the outbursts of anger and threats I am being subject to. I know I have to protect myself from the emotional abuse but standing up for myself exacerbates the situation. I’m hoping to find support here - no one else can possibly understand. Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi MarysLove and welcome to the group 

We understand the challenges of facing the facts about BPD. It is a journey to that acceptance and to figuring out how to move forward after accepting that the mental illness BPD is in play.

It sounds like your daughter is able to be employed? Can she hold down a job ok, and does she live on her own?

The blame sounds very familiar, and can be typical for a pwBPD (person with BPD). She blames you and her father -- are you two married/together? And do you have any other kids?

Lots of question, I know -- just getting a better sense of your situation.

Even though it make take time and may look different than you had wished, there is hope to have a "good enough" relationship with a child wBPD, though it can be challenging.

Looking forward to hearing more;

kells76

[Sasha77]

Hello MarysLove,
You have definitely come to the right place!
Unfortunately, misplaced blame seems to be key to this illness.
Coming to terms with it all can definitely be difficult. Starting to put the pieces together and understanding the illness is a great place to start toward the healing process. The more I read in this forum, the more I see similarities in what we all are going through. It helps a bit to know there are others out there going through the same thing.
Sending you virtual hugs!

[Manifest32f]

Hi MarysLove,
You have come to the right place where you get a lot of support and great advice on how to stay our course and handle ourselves when it gets tough. Please share with all these great people who are here for people like us. Setting boundaries and adhering by it is a great way to keep things under control.  I struggle with it every time because I feel guilty, sad or upset and then I’m reacting and failing to enforce it. BPDs are highly volatile, impulsive individuals. Taking responsibility for their actions is not in their best interest. They are good manipulators. If you are vulnerable they find it easier to make you a scapegoat. So please don’t let that happen to you. When I was trying to figure out what was going on with my unBPD, I was naive and accepted some things I was not guilty of, hoping to diffuse the situation. However it was used to discredit anything I said or did later, before I realized what was happening. So I try to avoid any situation where I am not sure of the outcome.
Please I would advise you to have a life of your own apart from this, so that you don’t get too overwhelmed by it. Take care of yourself with activities outside of this parenting role and do something fun for yourself, whether it’s exercise, art, tai chi or yoga or some volunteer activity l. Stay safe and healthy. Happy Holidays!