How to Help? | Partner Doesn't Have Much To Do

[dp7]

Hi all,

New poster here and I've made it a goal for myself to try to post on here more. Specifically when I find myself feeling stuck, confused, or researching a topic related to BPD.

My pwBPD and I got home from an extended weekend trip last night. This morning was business as usual for me, I got ready, went to work, and realized that my partner wouldn't have much to do today and got a little bit of anxiety and guilt. He's currently unemployed, trying to find purpose in his life, prefers being a homebody, but simultaneously craves friendships... all that to say, we're still out of our routine and that forced me to put myself in his shoes a bit today. He usually goes to the gym and takes care of our dog in the day. We both skipped the gym today (too tired) and our dog is still with the pet sitter. With that, he literally had nothing else going on outside of laying in bed. The thought of this bummed me out a little. I know he struggles with this a lot because it comes up whenever he's dysregulated. He feels isolated, lacks purpose, and it makes him feel so down. Is this typical for people with BPD?

As his partner, what can I do to help? Whenever he's dysregulated and brings this up, I try to be encouraging without giving him answers/suggestions to his problems. I'm trying to be better at listening and letting him figure things out on his own, but this has been an ongoing issue and I'm afraid that I'm doing him a disservice by not being more direct in how I communicate with him about this. What is the recommended approach here? Are there people on this forum that have found themselves in similar situations and managed to figure out how to help?

Any advice, insight, or suggestions will be greatly appreciated!

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[Notwendy]

I think having no purpose or responsibility isn't good for anyone. It's a reason to have children involved in some household tasks when they are able to, not for the adults, but for the child- let them set the table, pick up toys, care for a pet when old enough. The adult could do it faster and better, but we want the child to feel a sense of achievement and contribution.

The question is, what is your partner capable of? I have a BPD mother who, despite being intelligent, is so emotionally overwhelmed that she can't do much. This is something that feels shameful to her, so she has other behaviors to cover it up, such as refusing to do something with a sense of superiority rather than admit she can't do it, or manipulating people to do things for her.

She's elderly now, and so when my parents married, it was the era where most women didn't work outside the home. She didn't do much inside the home either but there wasn't an expectation to be in the workforce. In actuality, she could not manage to hold a job. I think for pwBPD it isn't that they aren't capable. It's that the other aspects of a job don't fit with their emotional instability- keeping to a schedule, dealing with co-workers. BPD is a spectrum and some people with BPD can be productive at a job but those who are at the emotionally severe end could have difficulty.

I think taking care of work at home is a valuable endeavor, but it also can be lonely and isolating if there's not other outlets. If there isn't much for your partner to do at home, I think it would be good for him to have some kind of job outside the home- even if the money isn't needed- if not, consider volunteer work. This way, he's around people and can possibly make friends. Volunteer work could be for a cause he supports- something he can feel good about. Museums, theaters, charities, humane society, Habitat- all seek volunteers.

When my parents were first married, BPD was unknown. All my father thought to do was to not have my mother feel stressed so household tasks were done for her. Yes, that took away any stress of having to do something but the other side of this is that- she did nothing and it became noticeable. We wondered what she did all day when we were at school. Sometimes she met up with friends but other times, just stayed in her pajamas all day. We all get better by doing things over and over again, and by doing nothing, her anxiety increased as she didn't get good at things by not doing them, so she has no confidence. If she tries to cook something she asks questions at every step- she is so anxious and uncertain. It's less anxiety to just make someone do it for her.

The no sense of achievement does impact her self esteem. Also, not being needed. We learned to not ask her to do anything to avoid her dysregulating, so we don't. There was one time though, I was busy with my kids and asked her to make sandwiches for lunch for them as I was taking care of them. I expected her to be angry. But somehow she seemed pleased and did it. I realized that she felt needed.

The longer your partner doesn't do anything, the harder it is for him to get over the inertia to start. You are correct, you can't solve this for him. Best to let him solve his own issue. On the other hand, you don't want to enable his not doing anything. You may have to start small and with things he can do. Or volunteer with him and then slowly cut back your involvement. If he really feels he can't- consider he may be depressed and needs to be evaluated for that.

[dp7]

Thank you so much for your reply, Notwendy.

You're certainly right. I can tell that his lack of purpose with nothing to do really gets to him. He makes mention of it whenever he's in the shame part of his spiral.

I also have to remember that all I can really do is support him. I can't figure it out for him. I get anxious with the thought of imagining how dull my life would be without purpose or a job... and it isn't helpful. Instead, I'll try what you recommended. Maybe just let him help me with the little things a bit more. For context, I'm pretty self-sufficient so he sometimes asks if he could do small things for me and I turn him down to prevent inconveniencing him. I'll shake that habit knowing that those small things might help give him a sense of purpose.

What I will say is that even though he doesn't have much to do or a general direction of purpose, he does get into routines where he focuses heavily on his fitness goals. He occupies his time with watching our dog, going to the gym, researching new workouts and exercise science philosophies, and doing mobility work. So, focusing on the positive, at least he's doing something. I think he's really just missing a sense of working towards something career-wise and building a community. He has a tendency to isolate, and I'm not sure how to help him on that front.

There's one poster whose success story has stuck with me. They posted: "i really have to remember that... him getting  better is not my job... and that all my 'helping' stuff... doesnt help him learn any skills to regulate himself... and thats really important... it ends up hurting in the long run... if im the one always fixing things so he doesnt get upset... he doesnt learn how to come back from upset... or how to balance himself at all..."

Easier said than done but I'll try to hold onto the above. Thank you!

[Notwendy]

There are many possible careers that can develop from his interests- personal trainer, fitness center manager, the missing link between his interests and a career is, from what I have observed, executive function and anxiety.

My BPD mother loves the arts and at one point we encouraged her to be involved in the support jobs at a local theater. There's so much that is needed- ushering, stage sets, props, lights- she just had to pick one-. It was too much for her. She tends to isolate too. I think it takes a lot of energy for them to maintain their social persona.

If your partner can manage though, even a few clients a week as a personal trainer might be something he'd like to do. Or something else at a gym- even help care for the equipment or something like that.

I think it's a good idea to let him do some things for you, even if you feel you can do them for yourself.

You are correct, you can't fix this for him or fix his feelings  but starting with a few more tasks he could do for you might be a start for him to gain some confidence.