Daughter’s birthday gift

[dtkm]

My daughter (uBPDh’s stepdaughter) turns 9 on Monday. It is our family rule that on your 9th birthday you get a cell phone. My husband has mentioned to my daughter that she will be getting a phone soon (in his not nice to me more…when your mother gets you a phone for your birthday…). While we are beginning the divorce process, we have been seriously talking about reconciliation…until he splits and then he goes back to full divorce mode and then switches back. I have been hesitant to move forward on splitting bills (car insurance, cell phone, etc) up…why do so when we are just going to have to put them back together…and I am feeling like everything financial is frozen and nothing can really be changed until further notice. When we married, my husband put me on his phone plan (his mom os also on the plan) and when my son turned 9, he added him. I went to add my daughter to our plan and get her a phone yesterday. Mind you things have been great for 2 weeks, which is way longer than usual, then he split me black when I went to work, he pretty much refused to talk to me, so I asked him if we could take a couple of days apart (see Boundary post) which didn’t go well!  Before I asked him that he said he had to get a new phone for work so he thought we should split up our phones. I responded with what I said above. Mind you 2 weeks earlier he got a new phone and had no problem that ours we’re together then. I currently pay for our cell phones (even though he makes way more than I do). Back to my daughter…I went to get a phone for her and add her onto our plan on Friday. The service rep told me that I am not an authorized individual to access or change or add anything to our plan, the only authorized users are him and his mom. But…he has a password that if I know it, then I can be authorized. So I text him to ask him the password. He hasn’t spoken to me since I suggested that we take a couple of days apart. He doesn’t respond…24 hours later and he still hasn’t responded. I don’t know what to do!  I feel stuck!  My daughter is expecting a phone on Monday, she would be deviated if she didn’t get one!  Yet, my husband won’t allow me on the phone plan…I pay for!  I have thought about texting him again, in all reality I am not mad at him, the house just seemed really stressed and I felt like asking for a timeout was best so that a big blow up didn’t happen…I was trying to interrupt the pattern!  I miss him and I won’t him home, but right now I am focusing on my kids…especially my daughter. I don’t know what to do! Any suggestions?  Do I text him again, explaining the situation in a non blaming way…asking for the password or for him to meet me or go by himself if he doesn’t feel comfortable giving me the password? Any suggestions are much appreciated!

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[dtkm]

Does anyone have any thoughts on what to do?  I sent him a non blaming text this morning asking for the password so that I can get my daughter her phone…or if he would rather meet me there or do it himself. My daughter is so excited for her phone…she will be deviated if I can’t get it for her. I could bring my lawyer into this, but it’s kind of the last thing I want to do! I want lawyers out of our relationship truthfully…and I would rather demonstrate this. I know this is him going on a control trip…but it is at the expense of my daughter…someone whom I know he loves so much…so I don’t get it!  I can’t imagine doing this to his daughter.

[kells76]

Hi dtkm, sorry to hear about the challenges you're going through with your D9's phone situation. Sounds like there are two things going on -- the specific issue for your D9, and the bigger issue of what your H is even capable of doing.

Sometimes when trying to do something for the kids, I have to figure out how I would accomplish it 100% on my own, assuming no help from their uBPD mom. Then, if she does volunteer to help, that's a plus, instead of me really needing her helping and then being disappointed and frustrated if she doesn't.

Long term, it may take strain off your relationship with your H if you can set up decisions to need minimal input from him. It doesn't sound fun for either of you to be in this "please just give me the password" "I'm stonewalling giving you the password" situation.

Yet that's more of a long term project. Short term, focusing on your D9, one approach could be giving her a heads up that even though she is allowed to get a phone on her birthday just like everyone else, sometimes unexpected wrinkles happen, and you are working to figure out an account issue. Maybe a box with an "IOU" inside -- but something where she knows that it's still happening, it's just that real life sometimes happens and adults problem solve calmly to move forward.

If she's upset, you could validate that anyone would feel let down in that situation, and it makes sense that she would want the phone on day-of just like the other kids. You could let her describe what she is looking forward to about the phone, and agree/affirm that those are fun things to look forward to.

Basically, an idea is to first focus on your D9 and her feelings (without saying "which adult is the problem"), and then "behind the scenes", in parallel, find ways to problem solve the account issues so that you don't need your H's agreement/cooperation for you to move forward.

It's disappointing to hope that a parent wBPD could see to put the kids first, yet often things can go a little better when we assume we won't get normal cooperation.

Hope that's helpful food for thought, and that you can enjoy special times for D9's birthday tomorrow!

-kells76

[dtkm]

So my uBPDh finally responded to my text asking very nicely for help getting my daughters phone set up on our account. Of course, the response was incredibly rude, blaming me!  
“You’re the one stopping (my daughter)from getting her phone. Separate the accounts”
I responded :
“Husband, I am not trying to participate in drama. Less than a week ago everything seemed great. I asked for a short time apart in an effort to stop the cycle. I didn’t mean anything bad about it.  It was an honest attempt at making things better, as the house was starting to feel stressful. As for (daughter’s )phone…I am under the understanding that everything financial is currently frozen…just like neither one of us can sell our cars, we also can’t do anything to any joint account. With that said, I am not sure what I am supposed to do?  As far as (daughters) birthday tomorrow, we would love for you and (step daughter)to attend. I am assuming that you guys got the texts so know timing, etc.”. I know that this is about control. If it was truly about anything else, he would be fine letting the court process take place and move everything forward. He literally added a phone to the account a week or so ago with no worries about it then. Plus, I pay for it…even the $40 a month increase that he added without asking me!  All I know to do now is wait. I have let my daughter know that she is getting a phone it may just be a little after her birthday. She is extremely understanding. I am not sure why he has such a hard time celebrating my kids this year…he intentionally started a big blow up before my son’s birthday, didn’t attend it, give him the gift he said he was getting him or even say happy birthday to him and it is looking like the same for my daughter. Yet, we were there to celebrate my stepdaughter’s birthday…at her party, participating, gave her a very nice gift, we sent her a happy birthday video and so did my parents and sister. I don’t get it!  I want my daughter to have a happy birthday…if your issue is really with me, why take it out in her!  Oh yeah…it has nothing to do with me!

[dtkm]

Thanks Kelly, I really appreciate it!  I have let my daughter know, and she is ok with it. I am very lucky how understanding she is!  I will work behind the scenes to see what I can do, without having to get my lawyer involved. And in the future, I will try really hard to not count on him for anything important!  My kids are my focus right now!