Advice on boundaries and next steps?

[memom23]

I am grateful to have found this site and hope I can get your advice on our next steps. My daughter (22) has BPD. She has lost many friend groups, gotten fired from jobs and has been unable to support herself. We have gradually learned to establish boundaries and not bail her out. As a result, she has gotten into significant debt and is currently bouncing around as a farm volunteer - though she was fired from her last volunteer position. We spoke to the farm manager, who said our daughter was 'the worst volunteer she's had in 15 years'. She was fired by her DBT therapist. My daughter does not acknowledge a BPD diagnosis and refuses medication.

She just completed ten days at a Buddhist monastery. Interestingly, she felt that she found her community at this place and enjoyed it, though she is now back on her next volunteer farm and complaining. My daughter has no money, no housing, no friends and is in considerable debt.

She is begging to come home.

We are very reluctant to have her return to our home, but we are also concerned about her being homeless. I am really at a loss to know what to do next. Do we have any leverage? Can we set conditions for treatment or is that pointless? There are a few things I would like - to get her iphone (as I believe she is addicted) and have her tested and receive an official diagnosis. Other than that, I am really at a loss. One therapist told us she had never met anyone 'so dedicated to her own suffering'. My daughter goes from one disaster of her own making to the next...I am willing to consider anything, including no contact.

Thank you for so much for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Leaf56]

Hi memom,

This line made me cuz a therapist said the same thing about my son (27):

"One therapist told us she had never met anyone 'so dedicated to her own suffering'."

My son mostly just sits in his room and smokes weed (he lives with his dad) and hasn't worked in several years. My advice: Do NOT rescue her. Let her be homeless. Lots of people are in California. It's a lifestyle out there. Just curious--has she tried working on farms in the emerald triangle? I hear they pay great.

[memom23]

Thank you for responding. That's helpful. I'm sorry to hear about your son . I could absolutely see my daughter doing exactly that if we let her. Are you still in contact with him?

I've never heard of the Emerald Triangle. I'll have to mention it to her. Thanks!

[Leaf56]

Yes, I'm still in contact. I was his favorite person his whole life until 4 years ago when I became his most hated person and then it's vacillated between the two states since then. I don't like either state and want him to be independent, so I stopped supporting him financially 2 years ago.

[memom23]

My advice: Do NOT rescue her. Let her be homeless. Lots of people are in California. It's a lifestyle out there.

Wanted to update that we told her she could not move back home. I thought it would be really difficult - to tell my articulate, smart, beautiful, creative daughter that she had to figure out her next steps on her own. It was not as hard as I thought. I truly believe that we are doing the best thing for her. We have slowly withdrawn support (money and otherwise) and she has not made any significant steps towards independence at all, in years. I hope this is the wake-up call she needs to move forward. Reading through past posts here of kids living at home strengthened my resolve and the materials on this site helped us prepare for the phone call. Happy to have found this resource and know we are not alone.

[Leaf56]

Good for you, memom. Sending virtual hugs.

[Tbbeach]

I’m in the same boat. My son is in Colombia because he can live cheaply there. He wants to come home but I know it will be disastrous and possibly dangerous for us. It’s impossible. I know what to do but my heart aches and I hurt for him so badly. He just complains about everything but on the other hand has tried so hard. He has 6 different licenses (real estate, mortgage broker, chartered financial analyst ..data analytics..) but can’t or doesn’t get a job. He’s emotionally paralyzed
where is the Emerald city ? Ugh it’s good to hear I’m not alone. I guess. I’m sorry you are both going through this. Ir sucks, hugs

[Leaf56]

My advice: DO NOT allow him to move into your home. Especially if you think he might harm you. He's 35. He's well educated. If he can't make it work at this point that's his problem, not yours. And don't listen to all the moaning and complaining. Tell him that if he mentions suicide that will result in an immediate end to the call. Tell him what he's allowed to talk about: normal things, happy things, current events, etc. If he can't have a normal pleasant conversation, he's no longer allowed to speak to you. You have to retrain him.