Need advise

[puplover]

I am a year and a half into a relationship with someone I believe to have BPD. I am at the tail end of a weeklong siege of screaming and verbal and emotional abuse. Now the love bombing cycle has begun. I am no match for his powerful and controlling behavior and he knows it. I am losing my sense of self and feel very sad, scared and desperate. I tell myself, just walk away and take yourself out of the scene until he cools off. But my incessant need to make things all better again will not let me. I allowed him to move in and share my house with me which I know was a big mistake because now I have no safe retreat to get away from his mood swings. Feedback greatly appreciated!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and thank you for sharing.  Advice is a little tough to give on this topic because you posted in the "bettering or reversing" thread, which means our advice should be focused on improving your relationship.  So that's what I'll give you...without touching on the "I'd be better off leaving" angle.

First, you cannot make anything better when someone is struggling with mental health.  You can only be there for them and provide support.  Their decision to get better is the catalyst for actually getting better, so please don't think there's some magic phrase you can say that fixes everything.  There's just not. 

If you want to improve the relationship, try focusing not on what's said, but where the emotions come from that would make your partner say such things.  For instance, if you and I are talking from across a large room.  I'm walking toward you and trip, and stub my toe hard against a cabinet.  I yell out, "I hate this cabinet and it shouldn't be here."  Is the problem really the cabinet?  Or is it that my toe hurts and I just needed to vent? 

BPD ultimately comes down to a fear of abandonment and the unregulated emotions that comes from it.  A large portion of the outbursts are insecurity, so you need to try to see past the "I hate this cabinet" and more towards the root of the actual problem.  It's not easy when the thing being hated is you, and everyone here sympathizes with you since we're been in similar situations.  But for the relationship to work, at least until he's ready to get help, you have to be the rock that sees past the surface level bickering and recognizes someone that's suffering and lashing out because of it.

Again, not easy at all- I know I'm preaching to the choir here.  That's the path though, showing love and understanding despite less than ideal circumstances.

One last thing, you mentioned feeling scared and desperate, and that sort of trumps the "bettering or reversing" rules in this one particular situation. The other side of the coin is setting healthy boundaries that say, "I love you, but what you're doing is out of bounds."  If you're feeling in danger or threatened, call the police or go stay with a relative.  Have him removed if necessary, even if it's for a few days.  He will respond poorly but at the same time, it's essential for him to know when he's crossed a line that should never be crossed. 

It's your home and your rules, so do not walk on eggshells and expect things to improve.

So to recap, you must show love and compassion...but you also have to stop accepting bad behavior.  That means things could get worse before they get better, but a combination of boundaries and love are the key to getting past this.  I hope that helps!