some success

[usagi]

I've had a couple of experiences lately that I claim in the success column.  It feels good to see some positive movement on my struggles.

Early last week my partner got home from work earlier than I had.  On my way home I started getting some angry texts.  She was upset that I had left some rags wet in a bin and that some fish I had bough some time ago for dinner seemed to have spoiled.  These two findings sent her off on other things in the house that really didn't have any relevance.  I had had a long day at work and an equally long commute home and was in no mood.  Yup, I did forget to put the rags into the wash and no the fish wasn't actually bad but there was a legitimate conversation to have there.  It was all of the other things that come with this that I didn't want to deal with.  The insults and the claims that she never had such a messy room mate before.

Before getting home the first thing I did was to pull over for a moment to just catch my breath.  My therapist suggested that in order to help her I need to help myself first.  Put your mask on before helping others.  I did that and reviewed some important tools.  Don't argue.  Don't get defensive.  Don't judge.  Don't explain.  Be calm and listen with empathy.

I took a breath and drove home.  When I got in it was what I expected.  Lots of screaming about how could I do this.  I stayed calm and said "I can understand why this would make you upset".  I agreed with the things that seemed true to me and did not engage with anything else.  I calmly went about cleaning up some of the kitchen and other items on her list.  She started calming down.  Within 10 or 15 minutes we were back to talking about our days and having dinner.  The rest of the evening went very smoothly.

I did it.  I think.  I was able to help her get back to regulated by making sure I was in a good place and not engaging her on any inflammatory things she said.  It worked.

I had another experience with that this past weekend.  We were away on a little vacation just the two of us.  She got upset about something else.  I agreed with what I could, stayed calm, and gave her a little space.  She calmed down and we had a lovely vacation.

I definitely feel like I have more to learn and practice.  But these wins feel substantial though small.

Thank you all for your support and guidance!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

That's great to hear about how the positive choices you make contribute to changes in the relationship!

This seems like an important balance that you have found:

I took a breath and drove home.  When I got in it was what I expected.  Lots of screaming about how could I do this.  I stayed calm and said "I can understand why this would make you upset".  I agreed with the things that seemed true to me and did not engage with anything else.  I calmly went about cleaning up some of the kitchen and other items on her list.  She started calming down.  Within 10 or 15 minutes we were back to talking about our days and having dinner.  The rest of the evening went very smoothly.

and

I had another experience with that this past weekend.  We were away on a little vacation just the two of us.  She got upset about something else. I agreed with what I could, stayed calm, and gave her a little space.  She calmed down and we had a lovely vacation.

You validate what's valid, and you don't validate what isn't valid. That's so important for keeping your own sense of self strong, and not feeding resentment at "I just have to agree with everything she says all the time, so I'm walking on eggshells after all".

You've found that you don't have to agree with everything she says... and things can still go ok!

Even though there will still be ups and downs in your future, you are building strength as you practice these tools and approaches over and over.