Venting

[CravingPeace]

So annoyed. We have a new baby. Plus 2 other boys. She has been very tired and struggling. During week I look after baby till 12, take him again at 6am. Basically do a lot. Plus feed, dress the other two and get them to school. Walk dog etc. Then go to work to oay for everything! Two days ago i came home at 2pm to help and encouraged her to go for a walk and take a break as she was struggling.

But as i know she is finding it hard I also booked her a massage this weekend and setup my work place/which is an appartment so she could spend the night there and chill with food ,ice cream drinks etc while i look after the two kids, newborn and dog.

Anyway i paid for the 60 min massgae , and she obviously upgraded to all the add ones i found out when i paid. She then turned up at home (1 mile away 15 min walk) without her phone. Angry she didnt have it. I then had to drive her back with the 3 kids interupting dinner and she was being off. I said annoying that happened but clearly not due to me. Hoping she would take responsability. She did not . She said "why do you think that". I am so angry. I cant do much more but somehow her not having her phone is my fault. Is she a child or an adult. So sick of carrying everything. I have to carry anything i mess up, but also anything she messes up. Its too much pressure. Definately talkong about this tomorrow. Any tips to not escalate to her telling me its all my fault and burying me in 1 hr of crap aboit me and makong me feel terrible? Anyway rant over. Thanks

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[kells76]

Hi CP,

You sound exhausted. Three kids ages baby to 7? And a dog? And work? (To say nothing of BPD...) It just gets to be too much sometimes, doesn't it.

It sounds like even if your W couldn't equally share tasks right now, it might be "okay", as long as she were just grateful and responsible. Like -- it would still be an immense amount of work for you to take care of everything while she's getting the massage, but if she would at least be appreciative and manage her own problems, you could work with that.

pwBPD often do poorly in stressful situations, and that's showing up loud and clear here. And, I've been pondering lately how it seems like some pwBPD have an incredibly deep need to "be chosen" -- including "being chosen" either by their own children, or over their own children. It could be that your W made some maladaptive moves to get you to choose her needs over other needs (yours, the kids').

Whatever is going on, it seems to me like you could use a lot of support. I can't imagine you're getting much sleep these days, too, and that make everything 10x more difficult.

Can you tell me a bit about who's around in your life who might be a good candidate for helping you out in this season of life? Family, friends, religious/spiritual groups, neighbors?

As I'm typing this, I'm thinking - there's direct help for you, like a sitter or someone to make lunch/dinner for the kids etc, but would your W maybe be open to a "mother's helper" instead or as well? If that person had a car, they could drive her to get her phone or run errands or whatnot if you are busy with bathtime/bedtime.

It is really commendable that you want to find ways under your control not to escalate things. Coming here to vent is a smart move. We're here 24/7 for you. I'd love to hear what sounds feasible for adding some help to your home, even just for a season.

Really glad you reached out. Post whatever you need to anytime;

kells76

[Pook075]

Hey Craving and welcome!  You already got some great advice and I just wanted to echo a little more on the struggles of BPD and what you might not be seeing.

Everything you have going on is so overwhelming, and it's quite common for those with BPD to hide what's really going on inside since they tend to run off their emotions instead of logic.  I bet she's exhausted, overwhelmed, and feeling neglected since her life right now is about taking care of a baby and the other kids.

Instead of picking a fight to try to get her to admit that the phone thing was her fault, why not just let this one go?  In other words, give her the victory in these types of situations because you know she's so tired.  If I had to guess, her frustration probably wasn't over the phone at all....it was EVERYTHING going on, and then she left the phone on top of it.  She probably thought that she was so tired and so stressed that you should have remembered her phone for her. 

That's not fair, I get it, but again...how important is it for you to prove yourself right on this exact thing?  It's such a small, silly thing and it just doesn't warrant an argument.  Let it go and use your energy to love and support her instead.

I hope that helps!