First off, I laughed out loud when you called DBT diabolic behavior therapy. It’s actually called dialectical behavior therapy, but it does have its shortcomings. It’s probably not diabolic, but it was awfully funny to read that.
YOU SAID: “She has abandoned me by leaving me a number of times while visiting this other country. She left me after becoming upset about something”
MY TAKE: I found it interesting that you said that your child abandoned you. Most of the time, it’s the person with BPD who says that they are being abandoned. May I ask how old she was when she left for the other country? If she was above 18 or so, she is not abandoning you. She is simply living an adult life.
her leaving is not really about you although she may protest that it is. Our adult children may make moves that hurt us, but this is not done deliberately to hurt you. If you are having feelings of abandonment, you may want to seek therapy to find out. If you are expecting too much of her.
Hi conflict people will leave conversations when they feel put on the spot, when they realize they are wrong, when they’re triggered hard enough, when they can’t abide the conversation anymore, when they feel triggered, and when they feel invalidated. You may be the trigger, but not the cause.
The chances that you did something “wrong“ are slim. If you can remember exactly what you said when she got up and left, we might have a clue of why she did so. I’m not saying that it was the right thing to do. I’m just trying to help you explain what happened.
Try not to take her actions personally. I know that seems like an unobtainable task. I know that seems like an unattainable task. But you can have a great hope and happiness when you are no longer so reactive to what she does.
People are reactive when they take the person very seriously and they let their happiness depend upon what a sick person thinks about them or what they do. Your daughter doesn’t have a broken leg, and that would be easier than an invisible illness.
That’s the thing about mental health, we all take things personally when we shouldn’t take anything personally.
She’s following the job description of borderline individuals. That’s because she has BPD. Not because of your parenting.
“”YOU SAID: “ She did this again (abandon you) about 18 months ago as well, but this time in my country. She does visit here annually, but usually has no contact during the 3 weeks she is in our city. 18 months ago she did agree to a lunch after I learned she was here and invited her.The lunch ended abruptly when she got up and left. I focused on actively listening to her and said nothing that I believe would account for her leaving.
YOU SAID: “Since that last event she seems to have attempted to convince other members of our family to join her by eliminating us from their lives and she’s been successful with 3 of our 5 children. She appears to have effectively triangulated with these 3 and told them things that we did not do or say. Our other children do not talk about BPD and we haven’t either with them. We are currently estranged from 4 out of 5 of our children. It has obviously been quite hurtful and confusing.”
MY TAKE: you said that you approached your daughter, with some warm wishes on her birthday, and she responded to you. If she is open to contact with you, then probably the other children are too. I would try to resume contact with them in a way that doesn’t hit you against your borderline daughter.
Simply approach them in the way that you did your borderline daughter, and see if they respond to you. If they do, keep up the correspondence. If they say nothing about what your borderline daughter has said, that’s fine. If they do, try to find a way to acknowledge that your borderline daughter has the right to her own opinions, but you’re not sure what she’s talking about.
Reiterate that you love your kids and are interested in what you’re doing and want to maintain a relationship with them. I think it’s really important to get these kids back because you need them and your borderline daughter should not get her way to remove your children from your life
YOU SAID: “My question is; we did meet our daughter’s boyfriend’s parents once. They live in the same city as us. This meeting went well, but was 2 years ago. We are not sure if we should attempt to reconnect with them in case they may be having some concerns as well. Is this a bad idea?”
MY TAKE: it really is impossible to predict from the amount of information that you gave us. But one thing you do not want to do is do something behind your daughters back that she’s eventually going to find out about. How would she feel if she found out you reached out to the parents? if she would get angry and upset, don’t do it would be my opinion.
Even if they do have concerns, I am uncertain how the four of you working together would provide any advantage over them talking to their son and you talking to your daughter. As sad as it sounds, I would advise you to let the son – who is an adult— to solve his own problems. For goodness sake, do not let your daughters boyfriend to come between you and your daughter.
Is there any chance that you might be enmeshed with your daughters life? Do you need her to be happy in order for you to be happy? Do you constantly think about what she should and shouldn’t do? Are you putting her in the very middle of the circle? That might represent your life? These are signs that you might be a little too close to your daughter in order to see straight.
Now that she is an adult, it’s natural for her to seek her own way. It’s also natural for parents to have a hard time with the empty nest, but they need to let their children make decisions for themselves, even if they think they know better. Frankly, there isn’t any alternative, but to butt into their lives in a place where you don’t belong I know it’s hard to follow this path. But in order for your daughter to learn, she’s got to make mistakes, and she needs to learn to make those mistakes without you rescuing her.
If you rescue her and don’t let her be accountable for her own decisions, she will never learn. It’s hard to let borderline children make mistakes. If they come to you first, you can help them problem solve or give your opinion. But if they don’t want it, giving it isn’t going to help.
I hope this helps a little bit. I know it’s not easy. I wish you warmth and light.
