Pathologising normal behaviour

[Sappho11]

One of the patterns I've noticed is that disordered parents can never, ever be happy with what you do. I don't think this is stressed enough in this forum. You can do everything "right", never JADE, never be provoked, remain calm, civil and mature, validate their feelings, avoid their outbursts, greyrock etc., and they will STILL find something to accuse you of.

If you're suffering from a sense of permanent guilt of not measuring up to your parent, especially when other people have no problem with you, let me tell you: It's not you, it's them.

So I went back to the multipage email with which my father discarded me last week, to read another paragraph. I can tell he's struggling to find things to be unhappy about, because I've been giving him precious little ammunition in the past months. He does tear into me for being "cold and heartless" for "never asking how he was" when he was "so very ill". For the record: he is a model of good health, and there hasn't been a single day when I haven't asked him how he was. I continued doing so even when he would insult me or not answer at all. He's cited a bunch of routine checkups as "deeply upsetting", which I consoled him through, as well as a list of illnesses I've never heard of that he now claims he's had. Basically, to him, he's been at death's door constantly this past year and I'm a horrible human being for not having been there for him. I have written records in the form of texts and emails attesting to the contrary and know full well it is nonsense, of course.

Then it gets almost comical. I only started learning his mother tongue about a year ago and I don't speak it perfectly, which is why he told me in the beginning it would be better to communicate via email and text. He's always been very impatient with me and doesn't like waiting for me to think while I mentally translate my thoughts. I told him I was happy with writing, since I'm introverted and I don't like talking on the phone anyway (especially not in this foreign language which is still very awkward to use for me).
Guess what? I'm now a terrible daughter for "never calling", because his wife's children call her mother all the time and so do his sister's. He also insinuated, not for the first time, that I was mentally ill for my introversion, that there was no such thing, and that it was "all in my head".

So yes. Whatever you do, it will be wrong. I've only seen this play out with a rediscovered, dysfunctional parent for about five months and I am already fed up and relieved that we're in a NC situation right now. My heart goes out to all of you who had to grow up with someone like that, no matter in what capacity. Please be good to yourselves, because again: It isn't you. You are enough. In fact, if you are in this situation, it is likely than you are already doing more than enough.

Peace.

[Sappho11]

I should add: The above was his response to my gently trying to raise the issue of him not caring for the feelings of other people and that the ensuing problems are partially rooted in his own behaviour, not "everyone suddenly going crazy" as he claims. Half of the family is already estranged from him, the others are hanging on by a thread.

His behaviour includes shouting matches, insulting his wife's children and his wife, being generally miserable and unpleasant, having rude outbursts, manipulating everyone for his own gain, to the point of threatening suicide when he doesn't get what he wants, among other things. I didn't even mention any of these things to him, just said that other people might be hurt and it would help to listen to what they have to say, and take their opinions on board.

No. No. Apparently I'm a "rotten moraliser" and "backstabber" for this. All right then.