Best way to handle bpd mom

[Teach21]

I just found this forum and it's been so interesting to read the posts. I'm 50 years old and only discovered all the dysfunction I've lived through is from a mom with BPD. I didn't recognize the emotional abuse until I started counseling a couple of years ago.  My mom is someone who smothered me with love, but I feel it's out of her own need for love and what she gets from it.  I have always been her support, was made to feel responsible for her emotions, and always felt obligated to take care of her even as a child.  Drama and conflict follow her wherever she goes. If it doesn't, she creates it. She has threatened suicide or that she was going to go away and never be found for my entire life. I'm numb to it.  Long story short...she lives in another country now, my brother and sister haven't spoken to her in 14 years, she has no real friends, and is all alone. She is in very poor health...emotionally and physically. I am the only person she has to support her or for her to have real communication with.  A pattern I've noticed is that if we get along for too long, she does something to create conflict so we have a fight. Then, she withdraws, I feel guilty, and I go crawling back to her.

She recently told me she is going to die. She's giving up on life. I told her I would like to see her and can plan a trip for Christmas. She said it would be too late. I told her I will come now.  She commented "You wouldn't do that." I told her I would.  However, I'm a teacher and can't just up and leave. It's an ordeal to have to take off of work for 2 weeks and has to be planned.  She was going to send me her CC number so she could pay for my ticket...since she won't need her money anymore. She's only sent me half the number, and then tried to start a conflict.  I didn't let it happen as I know she's just playing games but also haven't asked for the rest of the number.  We had a phone conversation a week ago.  She started to ask about family members and if I had talked to anyone. I told her I had not. She persisted asking and naming people. I kept responding I hadn't recently talked to anyone. She started getting irritated and talking to me in a nasty tone. I got quiet and was determined to keep things calm and not get in an argument. She asked me why I was mad at her. I told her I wasn't mad, but she was talking to me in an ugly tone, and I wanted to keep things peaceful.  She then said "Thanks for making me upset before I have to go to bed." I asked her how I made her upset, and she said by saying what I did. I told her I was only answering her question. She got nasty, kept repeating "Whatever" when I said I wanted the conversation to stay calm and peaceful, and told me not to worry because I wouldn't have to talk to her anymore. Then she hung up.  I absolutely hate for her to ask about family expecting me to answer all her questions and tell all the details about everyone's life. I know it hurts her deeply to not have a relationship with her children and grandchildren, and it's emotionally hard on me to tell her about them. She genuinely loves them and has only ever wanted family.

I messaged her on Monday that I love her and pray for her to have peace in her mind and heart and that she would feel God's love.  She hasn't read my message, but she has been in the app we use to communicate and sent messages to others. It's been a week so now I'm starting to feel guilty and that I have to reach out to her so she knows I love her. If I don't, she'll say I don't care what happens to her and she could have died, but I don't care. That's not how a loving daughter would treat her mother. I can hear it all in my head.  This is her MO. It's what she's always done...attack me, withdraw, and I'm expected to crawl back to prove my love to her.  I honestly think she believes no one loves her including me.

Is this a normal pattern for BPD? Is it best to just wait for her to respond first?

[Notwendy]

Yes, the pattern is typical. One example of this is that my mother with BPD will say "nobody helps her" and when we visit and try to help her- she somehow sabotages the situation. Sounds a bit similar to her asking you to visit, with the intent to help pay for the ticket, then not giving you all of the CC number to do so.

My BPD mother is elderly too. It's difficult to know what is going on with her as she can frame information in a certain way to attain something she wants ( manipulation). While she is in contact with her children- we tend to keep an emotional distance from her too- due to her tendency towards emotional and verbal abuse. I agree- I think she wishes she had a good relationship with us but her behavior is a part of it and she doesn't seem to be able to make that connection. I think we are doing the best we can with it but I have to have boundaries with her. It feels unnatural to have boundaries with our own mother.

It's good that you are working with a counselor on this. Many of us don't feel comfortable having boundaries if we grew up in a situation where they were not allowed. My mother expects obedience. We were not allowed to say no to her. But as adults we have other responsibilities. You are correct that you can't just leave your job at a moment's notice most of the time. International travel requires planning. Being that you are a teacher, planning a trip when school is out is what works best for you. If we are used to being compliant and not having boundaries, it can feel uncomfortable to say "not now, but at Christmas time".

[Teach21]

Thank you! It's so nice to hear from others who have experienced the same.  I wasn't allowed to say No or even get mad at her as a child.  That would have been considered defiance and disrespect. Boundaries are very difficult for me because she says I don't love her and I'm selfish, but I am trying to hold them.

[livednlearned]

I honestly think she believes no one loves her

Or, she does not love herself, making it nonsensical to receive love from others.

When there is evidence she is loved, that love cannot possibly be true. It must be tested, and often rejected.

It's desperately wanted, then pushed away. If she does not feel it for herself, how can it be trusted.

[Teach21]

Or, she does not love herself, making it nonsensical to receive love from others.

When there is evidence she is loved, that love cannot possibly be true. It must be tested, and often rejected.

It's desperately wanted, then pushed away. If she does not feel it for herself, how can it be trusted.

Thank you! 

[Sappho11]

Teach21, I'm sorry you're going through this. Know that you're not alone.

Everything you've described in your OP post might as well be a literal description of my father. Literally every single thing. The smothering with love, but your feeling that it isn't genuine, it isn't actual care for you, it is a self-serving need on your mother's behalf. Having to effectively be the parent for your parent. Being made feel responsible for her emotions. Drama and conflict everywhere. Threats of suicide. Estranged siblings who cut ties long ago. And finally, the pattern of getting on "too well" - conflict is artificially created - fight - withdrawal - guilt. It's like a blueprint of that particular dysfunction. All of this applies to my father as well.

I'm currently struggling to explain this to my friends because everyone keeps telling me "at least your father cares" (because that's what it looks like on the surface) and everyone thinks I'm being ungrateful. That's the worst. It's impossible to explain to anyone in my surroundings the truth and cost of this constant emotional terror.

Also what you mention about telling your mother about a normal, genuine, and very modest need of yours – that you wanted to keep things peaceful – and her twisting it into an attack and making you feel guilty. My father does the same thing. The other day I told him I didn't want to go to someone else's party on my own birthday (which he had asked me to spend with him, and for which I had already organised transportation and lodging to go visit him) with him and he ended up threatening suicide. When I told him that I found this hurtful, his response was effectively "You mustn't call me an a$$hole, why are you being such a bad daughter?" I'd never said such a thing, all I had said was "It makes me feel upset when you threaten to kill yourself, especially over something trivial". Anyway...

These relations are incredibly difficult because you can never truly act on your needs, even the most normal and harmless ones, and you're being used as an emotional powerbank for these people until you have nothing left to give.

To answer the question from your post title, I'd say: Distance, especially emotionally; radical acceptance as in: don't expect your mother to ever have genuine empathy with you; don't get dragged into conflict, just back away; and if you have to interact, and there's a need you have, make sure to state it firmly and don't try to manage her reaction. The priority is you looking out for yourself. Nobody else is going to do it.

There's a book on this topic which I find brilliant and life-saving. It's got the cumbersome title: "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents" but it's actually well-written, concise, and the exercises therein help not only uncover the unhealthy patterns created in your childhood, but also provide a way forward and give guidance how to interact with a dysfunctional parent in adulthood without losing one's mind. You can even find it online for free with a bit of googling, I can't recommend it enough.

[Lalisa]

She has threatened suicide or that she was going to go away and never be found for my entire life. I'm numb to it.  Long story short...she lives in another country now, my brother and sister haven't spoken to her in 14 years, she has no real friends, and is all alone. She is in very poor health...emotionally and physically. I am the only person she has to support her or for her to have real communication with.  A pattern I've noticed is that if we get along for too long, she does something to create conflict so we have a fight. Then, she withdraws, I feel guilty, and I go crawling back to her.
Is this a normal pattern for BPD? Is it best to just wait for her to respond first?

Hi Teach21, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am 44 and your description of your mother mirrors mine. The guilt is awful. What I am finding helpful is to reframe how I think about 'crawling back to her' if she has mistreated me. I have made the decision that I want to have a relationship with my mother despite everything but it must be on my terms and be healthy for me. This means being very clear in my own heart about boundries. For instance, if my mother abuses me on the phone by threatening suicide, saying I never help her, etc, I leave her time to calm down and then I call her in a few days time. This helps me deal with the sick feeling of guilt and obligation but it is on my terms. I ring her when I feel emotionally well enough and I keep the calls short. I try not to see it as 'giving in' to her behaviour. Because I have been gaslit by her for so long, I still feel the need to demonstrate that I am a decent person, so making this contact with boundries helps me.  Hope this ramble makes sense. Sending hope and solidarity to you. Validation is so important and I get a lot of that through therapy and this forum

[Teach21]

Teach21, I'm sorry you're going through this. Know that you're not alone.

These relations are incredibly difficult because you can never truly act on your needs, even the most normal and harmless ones, and you're being used as an emotional powerbank for these people until you have nothing left to give.

There's a book on this topic which I find brilliant and life-saving. It's got the cumbersome title: "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents" but it's actually well-written, concise, and the exercises therein help not only uncover the unhealthy patterns created in your childhood, but also provide a way forward and give guidance how to interact with a dysfunctional parent in adulthood without losing one's mind. You can even find it online for free with a bit of googling, I can't recommend it enough.

Thank you so much!  Yes! So much truth in never acting on my own needs or then I'm called selfish.  I can't believe I've spent most of my life not realizing I was emotionally abused. I know my mom does love me, but I never saw the dysfunction in it or how she plays me. I was fortunate to have a friend wake me up after I let her read emails and messages between me and my mom. I couldn't believe I never saw it. Then a counselor told me about BPD which I'd never heard of.  It's nice knowing I'm not alone.  I appreciate the response and so sorry for what you go through with your dad. It's so hard.

[Teach21]

Hi Teach21, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am 44 and your description of your mother mirrors mine. The guilt is awful. What I am finding helpful is to reframe how I think about 'crawling back to her' if she has mistreated me. I have made the decision that I want to have a relationship with my mother despite everything but it must be on my terms and be healthy for me. This means being very clear in my own heart about boundries. For instance, if my mother abuses me on the phone by threatening suicide, saying I never help her, etc, I leave her time to calm down and then I call her in a few days time. This helps me deal with the sick feeling of guilt and obligation but it is on my terms. I ring her when I feel emotionally well enough and I keep the calls short. I try not to see it as 'giving in' to her behaviour. Because I have been gaslit by her for so long, I still feel the need to demonstrate that I am a decent person, so making this contact with boundries helps me.  Hope this ramble makes sense. Sending hope and solidarity to you. Validation is so important and I get a lot of that through therapy and this forum

Thank you so much!  I'm glad I found this forum. I'm not good at boundaries but am learning. She's good at manipulation. It's been a little freeing though to finally realize that's what she's doing.

[Dominos]

Welcome to the group! Hearing about BPD for the first time is like a huge lightbulb going off then followed by grief. What you shared is very similar to my story. I am the sibling that has tried to do everything for her while my siblings have put distance between her and them. In my experience, no amount of visits is ever enough. I would stick with the visit at Christmas time. And unfortunately, if she’s not happy with that it very well could be a miserable visit. But if you keep giving in to her, it’s only going to get worse.

[Auggie]

Like others that have responded, your mother sounds like mine too.  I am 52 and an only child. I have been in therapy for 1.5 years and haven’t spoken to my mom for 1 year, until yesterday.  I agree that you can only look after yourself. My mother thinks she was the best mom in the world. She has chronic narcissism and somatization disorder. She only wants to talk about her illnesses and her own accomplishments. She has been suicidal in the past but not recently.

Personally, i have to distance myself. I cannot have the same arguments all the time. Guilt is a strong emotion, but survival is too. I can not have a normal life being connected to her and you may have to go along with your siblings. She will not change, but you can.

[U.N. Owen]

Thanks for sharing this. With a few minor details this describes every interaction I have with my mom!

Something I have found that somewhat helps me fight the guilt is saying to myself that I am not responsible for her feelings. I definitely feel your struggle on this though. It's a daily internal fight to keep myself in a good place when it comes to her.