28 year old dBPD daughter living at home -- stress/guilt

[momof28BPD]

Hi all, I am new here. I have 28 years old BPD daughter. She was diagnosed a few years ago. She is living with us with two brothers, and me and my husband. The life is unbearable. She doesn't talk with one brother and father at all. Now she is not talking to me either after she verbally abused me again. The names she called me I can't even remember. She just gets along with the youngest brother who is ignoring her attitude successfully. I am so drained and stressed. I can t  continue like this anymore. I even suggested she move out and I will help with the rent, but then there is guilt. How can I let her go when she is sick? At the same time, it is not possible to live like that anymore. It is effective for each member of our family. How to know what is the right decision? I am so happy to found this community. I hope I will learn more and be able to help her and the rest of the family to deal with the current situation.

Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi momof28BPD  

How old are the brothers, and what led to D28's diagnosis? Did she live independently prior to her diagnosis? Has she had any treatment?

Do you feel up to speed on what's going on between the one sibling she isn't talking to?

Sorry to pepper you with questions but often the details make a difference.

How do you respond when she's verbally abusing you?

Something that I found oddly helpful is to slowly hold up my hand like a stop sign. I'm guessing with people who are flooded in emotion, they aren't hearing words or processing their own experience with a whole lot of accuracy. Maybe the visual communication aspect helps to reach a part of the brain that wants direction? Idk. I'll be curious to hear if it makes a difference in your situation, if you decide to try it.

I first used it with my BPD ex husband. I would say stop calmly, and repeat it, and hold my hand up. And weirdly this grown man on full tilt rage saying the most offensive things I've heard in my life would wind down like a petulant child and stomp off.

It doesn't stop the fury ball from forming but in certain circumstances it did seem to have more effect than any words I could say.

How often does she verbally rage at you?

And I'm sorry you have to experience this. It's horrible, isn't it?

Maybe start with something small and see how it goes, then go from there. One tiny little change at a time

 

[momof28BPD]

Hi livednlearned,

the siblings are younger. The younger daughter is 26, son 24 and the youngest one who still finds the way to stay in contact is 17. My younger daughter (26) is not living with us anymore. She has her own family now and tries to have a good relationship with BPD sister. My BPD daughter started with her unusual behaviour in puberty, she was around 13. She didn't have her episodes so often, It started with small cuts (self-harming) bad mood, bad choice of friends. As she was getting older she started to smoke weed a lot. In mean meantime, we all moved to another country. She stayed for a year in our old house with my mother because she wanted to finish a colleague. That was the biggest mistake. They were fighting every day. I couldn't help because I was far away. Later both of them moved here with the rest of the family. Every day was worse. She was changing her boyfriends very often, she tried to move out several times. I ended up paying unpaid rent and moving her back to the house. She has always person in the family which she dislikes the most. It was first her grandmother, then her father, later her sister after her brother and now me. As I said the only person she is not fighting with is her youngest brother (17). Her shouting at me was always full of rage and caused me not to love her like the rest of her siblings but the last two times made me sick. All the names she called me... OMG I can't even think about that. Last time I didn't respond at all. I was speechless, probably shocked. I just remember telling her in the end I can't live like this she has to move out and I will help with the rent. After that day she avoided me. I didn't see her even though she was still in the house and she works at the same place as I. And now I don't know what to do. Should I try to talk with her again, will I wait for her to come to me first, should I let her move out? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I am sorry for my other children too. She is constantly making their life miserable too. 

[CC43]

Hi Mom, I can relate to your situation.  Mine is similar, with a diagnosed stepdaughter in her mid-20s.  She was emotionally dysregulated and self-medicated with weed, marinating in bed all day, making the situation unbearable.  She lashed out at everyone, and so her attempts to live independently failed.  I have a few posts and replies on this site explaining the situation in more detail.  My stepdaughter has siblings close in age who have managed to carve out successful, independent lives, with budding careers, friends and romantic relationships.  Basically the BPD stepdaughter is incredibly jealous and responds by cutting out her siblings from her life.  She can't bear to see others happy, and she feels childlike by comparison, because she hasn't hit adult milestones.  She'll project her insecurities about that by accusing everyone of treating her like a child.  At the same time, she's very childish, throwing tantrums whenever she doesn't get her way, and then giving everyone the silent treatment.  I call these episodes her "time outs."  In addition, she's incredibly resentful that she's still 100% dependent on her father for everything, while at the same time being very needy and demanding.  Finally, she is always a victim, and she blames everyone else for her own problems created by her own decisions.  She re-casts events and twists facts to make herself out to be a victim, when usually she's the perpetrator!  She lashes out with intense venom, sometimes triggered by seemingly insignificant comments or events.  In summary, her thinking is very distorted, and it's based more on emotions than facts.  It must be a very hard way to go through life.

She was very sick and attempted suicide multiple times, each attempt more serious than the last.  However, she also "hit bottom" a couple of times.  Those were turning points.  Her father (always the rescuer) said he would continue to support her financially and with housing, under the condition that she obtain treatment.  Another turning point for her father (my husband) was to ensure that the treatment plan included following doctors orders--whether enrolling in a specialized program or taking medications.  Previously, my stepdaughter wasn't compliant with treatment plans--she seemed to just "go along with it" with low effort and a tendency to drop or quit when she'd rather be doing something else, like going on a trip with friends.  Now, compliance is a condition for continued parental support.

With treatment, my stepdaughter is more stable, and she's taking baby steps in the right direction.  It's not always perfect or easy, but it's definitely better than where we've been the past five or six years.  I think this is one of those conditions that does not get better on its own, even if it seems like it should.  I always saw my stepdaughter as very immature, like a 13-year-old in an adult's body, and that she'd eventually "grow up" and "grow out of it."  Now I don't think that is possible without specialized treatment.  The emotional dysregulation is simply incapacitating, adversely affecting all aspects of my stepdaughter's life.

I understand how desperate the situation can feel.  I cycled through alternating periods of grief (from losing my stepdaughter to this illness) and hope.  The situation was made worse because my husband and I didn't see eye-to-eye about what to do about it.  I think he enabled his daughter for much too long, allowing her to do whatever she wanted (out of fear that she would take her life) rather than concentrate on getting treatment.  But I understand how this tears people apart.  We were on suicide watch for YEARS.  I understand how it's hard to know what to do, and that what works for the other children doesn't seem to work for the BPD daughter.