Never-ending pain after breakup

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I last posted near the end of October 2023.  Am still hurting very badly from failed relationship with ex pwbpd.  Looking back, I now believe she was lying to me throughout the relationship.  She never expressed a hint of empathy or sympathy or sadness or anything for the cruel way she behaved after the breakup, which I only reluctantly initiated.  We had come to an impasse, were both in couples counseling, but she had dropped out of individual therapy and DBT group.  Now I suspect that she never actually committed to the therapeutic process throughout our relationship; she got therapy to appease me because she knew I wouldn't stay with her unless she was seriously working on her bpd.  (Neither of us knew she had it when we got together.  Now I wonder if she really knew all along and just pretended otherwise! Don't know if she told the truth about anything!). The pain is practically unbearable.  I tried to reconcile with her in the first few months after the breakup, but she flatly rejected that possibility.  Nor has she shown any indication of ever speaking with me again.  Last communication she never responded to my voicemail or text.  I am almost certain she got back together with an old boyfriend of more than 40 years ago!  I was the first man to ever truly see and love her--and, in the end, she made me out to be the worst villain of all her exes! 

Please, please, please someone tell me that this pain won't last forever!  I'm beginning to wonder.  And the worst part about it is that I still care about (even love) her.  I know this is crazy, but it's true.  She has undoubtedly moved on without giving me a second thought while nearly a year later I am still struggling to live one day at a time. 

I owned up to all my faults and human failings in the relationship, but she took zero responsibility.  Why do I allow a person like this to rob me of so much life?  Overall, I think I'm slowly getting better, but some days the rollercoaster still takes a sharp downward plunge and I'm back in hell emotional hell again.  Would someone please help me MAKE IT STOP!!!

[Brokenheart1960]

I last posted near the end of October 2023.  Am still hurting very badly from failed relationship with ex pwbpd.  Looking back, I now believe she was lying to me throughout the relationship.  She never expressed a hint of empathy or sympathy or sadness or anything for the cruel way she behaved after the breakup, which I only reluctantly initiated.  We had come to an impasse, were both in couples counseling, but she had dropped out of individual therapy and DBT group.  Now I suspect that she never actually committed to the therapeutic process throughout our relationship; she got therapy to appease me because she knew I wouldn't stay with her unless she was seriously working on her bpd.  (Neither of us knew she had it when we got together.  Now I wonder if she really knew all along and just pretended otherwise! Don't know if she told the truth about anything!). The pain is practically unbearable.  I tried to reconcile with her in the first few months after the breakup, but she flatly rejected that possibility.  Nor has she shown any indication of ever speaking with me again.  Last communication she never responded to my voicemail or text.  I am almost certain she got back together with an old boyfriend of more than 40 years ago!  I was the first man to ever truly see and love her--and, in the end, she made me out to be the worst villain of all her exes! 

Please, please, please someone tell me that this pain won't last forever!  I'm beginning to wonder.  And the worst part about it is that I still care about (even love) her.  I know this is crazy, but it's true.  She has undoubtedly moved on without giving me a second thought while nearly a year later I am still struggling to live one day at a time. 

I owned up to all my faults and human failings in the relationship, but she took zero responsibility.  Why do I allow a person like this to rob me of so much life?  Overall, I think I'm slowly getting better, but some days the rollercoaster still takes a sharp downward plunge and I'm back in hell emotional hell again.  Would someone please help me MAKE IT STOP!!!

[Pook075]

Please, please, please someone tell me that this pain won't last forever!  I'm beginning to wonder. 

My wife walked out on me in August 2022, so it's been almost 18 months.  Same story as yours, she never looked back and never once showed remorse for her extinction burst hellfire that decimated our family.  I was also devastated and didn't think I'd ever recover, but time does heal all wounds.

I went through all the emotions over the first six months, then pretty much went through all of them all over again.  I kept telling myself that I was over it...but I really hope she calls just to talk about anything.  So believe me, I know where you're coming from and I understand where you're at right now.  You will eventually turn the corner though and see this for what it is.

For me, it took about a full year to realize that my wife was mentally ill and had no way to express her hurt or frustrations throughout our marriage.  Those feelings built up for decades until she finally just snapped...and this was after 11 years without a single argument.  I knew she was down but I had no idea how hopelessly desperate she truly was. 

It was in my wife's best interests to leave me...not because I was a bad person...but because she was broken and needed a reset in life.  Realizing her intense pain was what let me let go of mine.  She did what she had to do and I am now thankful for it.

Do I still have some bitterness?  You'd better believe it!  But mostly I feel compassion and sympathy for her now.  I do still love her as well but not as a wife, just as another person who I'll always care about.

[once removed]

Please, please, please someone tell me that this pain won't last forever!

not to the extent that it is now. emotional pain dulls over time. but, much like say, a broken arm that isnt treated, that doesnt mean that anything has healed. some emotional wounds can fester.

i think all, or most of us, reach a point in our recovery where we are "stuck". while there isnt a timeline for healing, if, at over a year, you are feeling more or less the same, you are most likely "stuck".

how does one get "unstuck"? i find, that usually, that stuckness is unfinished business we havent processed, hard truths we havent faced; things that are psychologically too hard to deal with at the time (sometimes its the opposite. i think sometimes we decide that something painful is true, when we simply lack perspective or reframing). as the pain dulls, it can become easier to go back and process some of those things, or we may have a new perspective on them that helps us cope.

it may help to revisit the stages of Detachment and the stages of grief, and to actively work them: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332589.0

it would help us to know more specifically, what the source of your pain is. it sounds like this was a hard breakup that you reluctantly initiated, and her reaction to it (callous) was (is?) painful.

what would you say are the things youre having the most difficult time dealing with? is it how it ended? is it missing her now? painful things left over from during the relationship?

[SaltyDawg]

Please, please, please someone tell me that this pain won't last forever!  I'm beginning to wonder.  And the worst part about it is that I still care about (even love) her.  I know this is crazy, but it's true.  She has undoubtedly moved on without giving me a second thought while nearly a year later I am still struggling to live one day at a time.

I am going to speak metaphorically here.

For you the wound is still fresh and festering with infection, and you still hurt a lot from this wound.  In order for the sharp pain to go away, it first must become a dull pain by starting to address why it is still festering, and then it will eventually become a nasty scar - which will remind you from time to time about this pain you once had in the distant past.  In order to move away from this pain, you too should 'move on' and start to get the infection out of the wound so it can start to heal.

I noticed you mentioned that she had therapy; however, you have made no mention of you having therapy.  I personally have had hundreds of hours of therapy in trying to save my marriage, and learning about myself and what I have brought to the situation.  I am wondering if you might be open do doing your own individual therapy as you might find it helpful, I know I have found it to be very helpful to process and 'move on' and detach from this trauma bonded relationship with not one but two romantic BPD relationships since the 1990's.

Learn about trauma bonding, and then learn how to heal from the trauma bond, some can do this by lifting themselves up by their bootstraps and move along, while others need guidance from a licensed professional to do this, or somewhere in between.  It is okay to ask for HELP, just as you are doing here.  The only way for you to 'fix' this pain, is to figure out what you can do to 'fix' it.  Just as you cannot fix her, no-one here can fix you, other than yourself.  If you don't know how to fix this, ask for help in learning how to fix it.

Since there is 'trauma' in 'trauma bonding'; you may want to explore C-PTSD with a therapist as well, which also has the word 'trauma' in it.  I have homeland security background, and I can personally attest the trauma is far worse from my spouse's treatment of me than facing a terrorist (as per government definition) face to face.

I am going to shine a light on the direction that has a good chance of giving you your desired result of reducing/eliminating the pain that you are feeling and that is to seek out your own individual therapy from a licensed practitioner in this matter as they can make the appropriate assessment(s).  Ask about treatment for 'trauma bonding' and being evaluated for C-PTSD.  You could also have depression or other related mental health conditions to being heart broken.  You have lost a life partner, have you gone through the stages of grieving this loss?  Is knowing that she is alive elsewhere preventing you from grieving?  All of these things can be addressed in therapy.

I can only shine my light.  It is up to you to take action to fix this.  If you cannot afford a licensed therapist, I can point you in a direction for low cost therapists in the US.  Let me know, or look at my older posts from this month.

I also find doing a lot of self-care to be very helpful in making the pain less, and to feel better.  Be kind to yourself with self-care whatever that might look like for you with one or more healthy coping mechanisms.

Take care.

SD

[jaded7]

I am going to speak metaphorically here.

For you the wound is still fresh and festering with infection, and you still hurt a lot from this wound.  In order for the sharp pain to go away, it first must become a dull pain by starting to address why it is still festering, and then it will eventually become a nasty scar - which will remind you from time to time about this pain you once had in the distant past.  In order to move away from this pain, you too should 'move on' and start to get the infection out of the wound so it can start to heal.

I noticed you mentioned that she had therapy; however, you have made no mention of you having therapy.  I personally have had hundreds of hours of therapy in trying to save my marriage, and learning about myself and what I have brought to the situation.  I am wondering if you might be open do doing your own individual therapy as you might find it helpful, I know I have found it to be very helpful to process and 'move on' and detach from this trauma bonded relationship with not one but two romantic BPD relationships since the 1990's.

Learn about trauma bonding, and then learn how to heal from the trauma bond, some can do this by lifting themselves up by their bootstraps and move along, while others need guidance from a licensed professional to do this, or somewhere in between.  It is okay to ask for HELP, just as you are doing here.  The only way for you to 'fix' this pain, is to figure out what you can do to 'fix' it.  Just as you cannot fix her, no-one here can fix you, other than yourself.  If you don't know how to fix this, ask for help in learning how to fix it.

Since there is 'trauma' in 'trauma bonding'; you may want to explore C-PTSD with a therapist as well, which also has the word 'trauma' in it.  I have homeland security background, and I can personally attest the trauma is far worse from my spouse's treatment of me than facing a terrorist (as per government definition) face to face.

I am going to shine a light on the direction that has a good chance of giving you your desired result of reducing/eliminating the pain that you are feeling and that is to seek out your own individual therapy from a licensed practitioner in this matter as they can make the appropriate assessment(s).  Ask about treatment for 'trauma bonding' and being evaluated for C-PTSD.  You could also have depression or other related mental health conditions to being heart broken.  You have lost a life partner, have you gone through the stages of grieving this loss?  Is knowing that she is alive elsewhere preventing you from grieving?  All of these things can be addressed in therapy.

I can only shine my light.  It is up to you to take action to fix this.  If you cannot afford a licensed therapist, I can point you in a direction for low cost therapists in the US.  Let me know, or look at my older posts from this month.

I also find doing a lot of self-care to be very helpful in making the pain less, and to feel better.  Be kind to yourself with self-care whatever that might look like for you with one or more healthy coping mechanisms.

Take care.

SD

SD has some good advice here. Trauma from these kinds of relationships is real, especially for those of us who may have had abuse in our childhood or attachment issues from our family of origin.

Attachment issues are profound, and the pain we feel from shattered attachment is REAL....it's biological, it's built into us. I remember a book called something like The Black Swan, I know the author was Susan Anderson. She's written about severed attachment and the biology of it. I know that it helped me to really understand the pain, and it is real and it is hard to bear.

I fully recommend a therapist with trauma training, perhaps even seek out some psychedelic therapy. I did ketamine therapy and MDMA therapy and have thoughts about them I could share.

[BigEasyHeart]

Please, please, please someone tell me that this pain won't last forever!  I'm beginning to wonder.  And the worst part about it is that I still care about (even love) her.  I know this is crazy, but it's true.  She has undoubtedly moved on without giving me a second thought while nearly a year later I am still struggling to live one day at a time. 

I'm sorry you are going through this Brokenheart. It does get better but it is also a process. I hate to have to say this but it will take however long it takes. There is a lot of good advice in this thread. I'm gonna comment on a couple things that struck home for me.

My wife walked out on me in August 2022, so it's been almost 18 months.  Same story as yours, she never looked back and never once showed remorse for her extinction burst hellfire that decimated our family.  I was also devastated and didn't think I'd ever recover, but time does heal all wounds.
....

It was in my wife's best interests to leave me...not because I was a bad person...but because she was broken and needed a reset in life.  Realizing her intense pain was what let me let go of mine.  She did what she had to do and I am now thankful for it.

Do I still have some bitterness?  You'd better believe it!  But mostly I feel compassion and sympathy for her now.  I do still love her as well but not as a wife, just as another person who I'll always care about.

I'm on a similar timeline as Pook but I feel like my emotional healing is somewhere in between. At times I have glimpses of what he is talking about by realizing her pain but at other times anger and bitterness over the way I was treated (and the shame over how I let myself be treated) take over. And at other times I still simply miss her like hell. Funny how that works. However, with time (and a lot of work in therapy) I believe that will be outweighed by the type of love, compassion and sympathy for her that Pook refers to.

SD has some good advice here. Trauma from these kinds of relationships is real, especially for those of us who may have had abuse in our childhood or attachment issues from our family of origin.

Attachment issues are profound, and the pain we feel from shattered attachment is REAL....it's biological, it's built into us. I remember a book called something like The Black Swan, I know the author was Susan Anderson. She's written about severed attachment and the biology of it. I know that it helped me to really understand the pain, and it is real and it is hard to bear.

I fully recommend a therapist with trauma training, perhaps even seek out some psychedelic therapy. I did ketamine therapy and MDMA therapy and have thoughts about them I could share.

I think jaded is 1000% right here. These kinds of relationships often lead to real trauma on the part of the partner and attachment issues can be a big part of that. I haven't done the psychedelic therapies jaded mentioned so I can't speak to that. I am with a good therapist. They are trained in EMDR and trauma, which has been really helpful. They also know about and treat people with BPD and similar issues. If you can find a therapist with a background in both trauma and BPD it could be really really helpful.

Wishing you the best Brokenheart. I know this sucks.This site and the people on it are a really good resource. I'm glad you found it.