Reversing a Breakup? Need thoughts...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

My boyfriend has untreated BPD. Recently, he has become increasingly angry and aggressive. We have been together for almost 2 years. During that time, he has broken up with me on several occasions due to the push/pull dynamic, but he comes back each time. I am always the one begging for him not to end the relationship. He recently was becoming so cruel that I ended things, which is not typical. However, he did not fight for the relationship. He was angry, but did not fight for us, plead, persuade, etc. I reached out to him the day after breaking up to discuss some damage he had done to my home and he was short, rude, and condescending. He did not respond to the last texts I sent in that conversation, so essentially, he left me hanging. I have not heard from him in three days. Despite the negative, I still miss him. We were best friends, talking throughout the day, everyday. I want him to reach out, apologize, miss me like I miss him. In this past, he has done this eventually after breaking up with me. Given that he had nothing to say when I broke up with him, I worry he didn't care to lose me. Is he just trying to preserve his ego, punish me, etc. Or, he is just still angry and dysregulated, so he doesn't understand his feelings yet? He says that he can't stand our fighting and it stresses him out, but he keeps the chaos going constantly. Thoughts to get me through?

[Beegirl]

Hello,

My boyfriend has untreated BPD. Recently, he has become increasingly angry and aggressive. We have been together for almost 2 years. During that time, he has broken up with me on several occasions due to the push/pull dynamic, but he comes back each time. I am always the one begging for him not to end the relationship. He recently was becoming so cruel that I ended things, which is not typical. However, he did not fight for the relationship. He was angry, but did not fight for us, plead, persuade, etc. I reached out to him the day after breaking up to discuss some damage he had done to my home and he was short, rude, and condescending. He did not respond to the last texts I sent in that conversation, so essentially, he left me hanging. I have not heard from him in three days. Despite the negative, I still miss him. We were best friends, talking throughout the day, everyday. I want him to reach out, apologize, miss me like I miss him. In this past, he has done this eventually after breaking up with me. Given that he had nothing to say when I broke up with him, I worry he didn't care to lose me. Is he just trying to preserve his ego, punish me, etc. Or, he is just still angry and dysregulated, so he doesn't understand his feelings yet? He says that he can't stand our fighting and it stresses him out, but he keeps the chaos going constantly. Thoughts to get me through?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

I want him to reach out, apologize, miss me like I miss him.

communicate these things directly. hes not able to read your mind. remember, all he has to go on is that you have broken up with him, and you wanted to discuss damage he did to your home. hes behaving as someone who is heeding that message. simple: if it isnt the message you want to send, dont send it  

in other words, if you want to reach out, apologize, and express that you miss him, the ball is in your court on this.

Thoughts to get me through?

the bigger, overarching problem seems to be that communication has broken down...neither one of you feels heard, and youre both acting on that. when there are multiple breakup/makeup cycles, there is damage over time; it gets harder and harder to hear each other. the relationship becomes more of a contest.

for things to improve, when they can, someone has to lead that effort with a very different approach. it can be hard to know where or how to start.

have you seen this 3 minute lesson on ending conflict: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[Beegirl]

Thank you for the reply. I feel as though his behavior became so cruel that I can’t reach out and share my true feelings,  as he will say or do something to try to humiliate me for more power and control. This has been the case in the past when he’s ended things with me.

[once removed]

his behavior became so cruel that I can’t reach out

What happened?

[Beegirl]

I did not reach out all week and heard from him last night. He texted me insults, including saying he was glad he had been mean to me, that I wasn’t at all the person I claim to be, and everything is about me. I took the night to think about responding, and when I did respond this morning, he had blocked me. I’m so hurt. It feels like he’s just trying to punish me for not groveling all week. How should I interpret his comments and behavior? Why did he do this?

[kells76]

Ouch... That's really painful stuff to hear from someone so close to you. I'm sorry you experienced that level of hurt in a relationship that you wanted to be loving and supportive.

pwBPD don't seem to cope well with rejection. Rejection hurts everyone, but pwBPD might be considered "low skill" when it comes to healthy, appropriate management of emotions, including emotions about rejection/loss. He chose to try to put those bad feelings back on you. That isn't too surprising given that he is currently not in treatment.

Here on the "Bettering a relationship" board, no matter what the partner with BPD is doing (and it is a given that he is difficult!), we work on bringing the spotlight back on ourselves.

What are some you-focused questions we could be asking right now?

One possibility could be: "How can I protect myself from his hurtful texts?"

Another in that vein could be: "Do I still feel too hurt to try to reconnect?"

What do you think -- any you-focused questions coming to mind?

Hope you gave yourself a break and did something nice for yourself over the last few days 

[KayakerDude]

I did not reach out all week and heard from him last night. He texted me insults, including saying he was glad he had been mean to me, that I wasn’t at all the person I claim to be, and everything is about me. I took the night to think about responding, and when I did respond this morning, he had blocked me. I’m so hurt. It feels like he’s just trying to punish me for not groveling all week. How should I interpret his comments and behavior? Why did he do this?

I'm so sorry you're going through that.

But from what I am understanding he might literally not know how to do anything else. It doesn't make it right, but that thought has brought me a lot of peace to realize it isn't my fault I get treated that way, and it isn't your fault either. He is also suffering, and maybe of his own creation. But he likely doesn't know any other way.

I hope he reads your texts.