Stay out of the marriage

[Parents! Get help here!]

DIL told me yesterday to stay out of her marriage. BTW, she will be giving birth to my 1st GC next week. So, from a further challenged physical place, I write ….

Thank you for the positive welcome and strong kinship that is expressed by so many women on this website. ‘Fellow’ moms, some of us, much older even, (I am 60,) who live a diligent life of raising their kids to the best of their abilities, only to have everyone’s lives ravaged by a BPD member of the family, is awful! ….. An ugly banquet of sour humble pie anyone? 

In my case, (as is for many moms,) a DIL is progressively, possessively, changing her guarded position by taking over the concrete foundation of my family that is its bond, us. Darn, ‘cracking up’ hurts. It is so strange to me that I have thirty years of life experience over my DIL, and yet, I am not permitted to capably stay involved in a relationship with my S. (Or her). (BTW, my daughter has smartly cut off ties completely with the DIL, but she easily has that option).

Following an 8 year-long chapter of a relationship always in process, (though she thinks that she disguises it,) therein exists a mind crowded with the idealization, gaslighting, lying, splitting, demanding, disrespecting and frenzied angry outbursts that is BPD. These behaviors being her entire life, so too, it is always ours. (You would think by now she’d be exhausted in her efforts to finally ‘find herself’). Ya, she uses our enabling eggshells to form her own private Faberge’ egg of entitlement.

Her façade of positive emotion was so sad for a while, because we ultimately knew where it originated from. Total abandoned parenting as a child, and so happened the trauma and the arrested development of the emotional centers of her brain - the amygdala. Thus, her personality didn’t ever stand a chance, I guess. Oh well? Not! We all have to claim responsibility for our actions at some point.

So, ladies, until the next ‘phase’ of personal invasion and attacks happen, I will warn my family to strap in, while I go put on my boxing gloves in defense. Plus, I will get my journaling pen ready for the outcome. (But I’ll be careful to stay out of her marriage throughout the whole painful episode, of course) …. Again. Bye.

PS Something I’ve read about psychological disorders ….
If a BP person is a tantrum throwing toddler, then a BPD one is a screaming infant.

[Blackwing]

DIL told me yesterday to stay out of her marriage. BTW, she will be giving birth to my 1st GC next week. So, from a further challenged physical place, I write ….

Thank you for the positive welcome and strong kinship that is expressed by so many women on this website. ‘Fellow’ moms, some of us, much older even, (I am 60,) who live a diligent life of raising their kids to the best of their abilities, only to have everyone’s lives ravaged by a BPD member of the family, is awful! ….. An ugly banquet of sour humble pie anyone? 

In my case, (as is for many moms,) a DIL is progressively, possessively, changing her guarded position by taking over the concrete foundation of my family that is its bond, us. Darn, ‘cracking up’ hurts. It is so strange to me that I have thirty years of life experience over my DIL, and yet, I am not permitted to capably stay involved in a relationship with my S. (Or her). (BTW, my daughter has smartly cut off ties completely with the DIL, but she easily has that option).

Following an 8 year-long chapter of a relationship always in process, (though she thinks that she disguises it,) therein exists a mind crowded with the idealization, gaslighting, lying, splitting, demanding, disrespecting and frenzied angry outbursts that is BPD. These behaviors being her entire life, so too, it is always ours. (You would think by now she’d be exhausted in her efforts to finally ‘find herself’). Ya, she uses our enabling eggshells to form her own private Faberge’ egg of entitlement.

Her façade of positive emotion was so sad for a while, because we ultimately knew where it originated from. Total abandoned parenting as a child, and so happened the trauma and the arrested development of the emotional centers of her brain - the amygdala. Thus, her personality didn’t ever stand a chance, I guess. Oh well? Not! We all have to claim responsibility for our actions at some point.

So, ladies, until the next ‘phase’ of personal invasion and attacks happen, I will warn my family to strap in, while I go put on my boxing gloves in defense. Plus, I will get my journaling pen ready for the outcome. (But I’ll be careful to stay out of her marriage throughout the whole painful episode, of course) …. Again. Bye.

PS Something I’ve read about psychological disorders ….
If a BP person is a tantrum throwing toddler, then a BPD one is a screaming infant.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

After struggling with her demons for years after her father totally abandoned her at age 11, I do wonder if something else happened before she began going a Montessori at age 3 with a caregiver since I was a single Mom at that time and had to work. I certainly had no idea about her having a gene toward something like this.

Anyway, she worked very hard and was an honor student until she was 15, the demons were really encroaching; her behavior began to change and her grades went way down. She still tried to fight it, but when she was 19 and became pregnant (supposedly from giving a guy a ride home from a get together), she just gave in.

All that is to say, I believe the main reason she ended up blocking me was because as her life slid downhill further, she did not want me to see this. It’s heartbreaking that she was so afraid of disappointing me from seeing the darker side of her life!

I think this example is true for every loving parent on this board, they block us when they become embarrassed-when they are embarrassed enough to hide from someone it also leads to their ‘thinking’ that they have been abandoned.

As close as we were, as she was sliding, she often said “you don’t listen to me”, and I would say “ok, what is it?”, then she would walk away! That was a sign that something was going on in that mind of hers, but I did not catch it.

[Ourworld]

Now, she has gotten married, unfortunately she is separated from her husband right now as he gets a handle on his own major mental health issues from the military at the VA.
He’s a good guy and I believe once they are both healed, they will get back together again.
I do not plan to interfere if she reconnects with me, because the main thing is to let the child you raised go and mature in their own way.

Although I know it must be difficult about the coming GC, it would be best to just send him/her gifts and notes.

[Ourworld]

Dear Blackwing,
How I appreciate your kind words. As the world darkens and we begin to see this in our children and those around us, it is heartbreaking. And yes, I believe the best we can do is ensure they know we love them and care by simple words, cards, or gifts. And our prayers avail much, as I said, we raise children to become successful adults. It’s difficult to lose their friendship, but that is when we must first recognize they truly are the Lord’s children and be grateful for the years we had with them raising them, and pray that the Lord keeps them safe hoping someday they will come back to us for love and friendship.
Although it is still difficult, grieve, read/learn and talk about it with this supportive group, and pray for God to fill you with His peace.
I do hope and  :(pray that your son returns to you and your husband and softens the heart of his wife.
Before I go overseas where I will be helping children, youth, and young mothers I will be taking a master-level class called Arts & Trauma Healing; this class will help me recognize, understand, and how to relate to those who have been through traumas and to use their country’s arts to help. Traumas and problems like BPD have greatly encroached on our world, so it is good to support each other.
I have added you and others dealing with this type of loss to my prayer list because I can relate.

Take care, I truly wish you the best!