Everything feels like a game

[Depression = 72% of members]

Sorry for the long post…..Everything feels like a game in my marriage to my BPD/wife. What is your experience d  here is one example:

This week I was accused of abandoning an opportunity to connect with her regarding something she was upset about. I asked her about it and was genuinely attentive to her, I didn’t provide advice but was present. When I asked her again about it later in the week she blew up that we didn’t have an opportunity to ‘talk’ about it. I was then blamed for her carrying around this feeling with her for the week. I felt awful and expressed my genuine upset at missing the chance to connect at a level I must have failed to, you can imagine how confusing it is for me.

I ask her to join me and her daughter for dinner and she refuses saying she’s too upset at me to join. I express that time together for dinner is something I value and she insists that she prefers to remain on the sofa.

I later check in on her and express that I want to connect and that I’m sorry if I pushed her to join for dinner. She exploded that pushing is an understatement. Confused again at how my desire to sit together was bullying, I bath and put our baby to bed

That night I come back to the sofa to speak with her. As is normally the case she had her laptop and is catching up on some work. I ask her if she would like to speak later since I can see that she is doing work. She does not reply to this and remains in silence. I begin to feel frustrated as I am both blamed for causing this situation but also alone in seeking to resolve it.

After a short while it’s clear that the conversation is one sided. Only I am expressing my love and compassion for her whilst she simply types on her computer, face looking at the screen makes in a face of quiet disappointment. ‘I don’t want to sit here in silence’  she says . I then move on to do some housework.

The next day I sit closely with her and ask if we can talk, concerned that we are leaving something unresolved. She continues to remain silent and says ‘ she has nothing more to say’. She mentions some errands that need my attention and I attend to them. As I return I pick some flowers that remind me of her, I hand write a note expressing that I recognize  that I’ve been busy and how hurtful it must have been for her not to have me attentive when she needed me. She puts the flowers in the vase and simply asks what made me pick the specific flowers I did. I express that they remind me of our wedding. She remains silent but is outwardly in a joyful mood with the baby.

After this she is on her phone and at this point I’m tired and weary of the silence, it’s actually quite painful too to keep trying to connect … anyway her response is the same, she remains silent in the face of my desire to reconnect. All she suggests immediately after my heart declaration is that the dog needs a walk, I take the dog out and return later.

At this point I accept that she doesn’t want to interact with me, I take care of a task she had needed for some time. She asks me what I am doing as she can hear me work ( her tone is accusatory) I express that I’m doing a task she asked for earlier that week. Believing it’s a question of genuine curiosity I return the question back to her ‘ what are you up to?, ‘nothing…’ is her sharp and closed response as her head remains buried in her phone. She definitely sounds annoyed that I’m doing something…

And this is what gets me, I’m damned if I try to connect and I’m damned if I allow the distance. I’m trying to avoid the abandonment she expressed pain and concern over, but it also feels like she doesn’t want to make it better.

This evening after cooking dinner I was doing the dishes, she went up to bed and so I had a short moment to watch a film as I ate some leftovers, there was a scene In this film where a character lost in space to save the screw. I find myself tearing up and I don’t fully understand why….as I thought about it more deeply, I realized that what I’m feeling is loneliness. I’m alone and distant from my family and close friends. I’ve sacrificed my own sense of deep relationship to keep this ‘crew’ alive. I’m alone and it sucks. I can’t even imagine a spouse who will connect with me like a person. I know I’m not perfect but I don’t want to be perfect, I just want to be a person. Known and loved

the next evening I make an intentional effort to speak with her about what is upsetting her.

[Archery]

Sorry for the long post…..Everything feels like a game in my marriage to my BPD/wife. What is your experience d  here is one example:

This week I was accused of abandoning an opportunity to connect with her regarding something she was upset about. I asked her about it and was genuinely attentive to her, I didn’t provide advice but was present. When I asked her again about it later in the week she blew up that we didn’t have an opportunity to ‘talk’ about it. I was then blamed for her carrying around this feeling with her for the week. I felt awful and expressed my genuine upset at missing the chance to connect at a level I must have failed to, you can imagine how confusing it is for me.

I ask her to join me and her daughter for dinner and she refuses saying she’s too upset at me to join. I express that time together for dinner is something I value and she insists that she prefers to remain on the sofa.

I later check in on her and express that I want to connect and that I’m sorry if I pushed her to join for dinner. She exploded that pushing is an understatement. Confused again at how my desire to sit together was bullying, I bath and put our baby to bed

That night I come back to the sofa to speak with her. As is normally the case she had her laptop and is catching up on some work. I ask her if she would like to speak later since I can see that she is doing work. She does not reply to this and remains in silence. I begin to feel frustrated as I am both blamed for causing this situation but also alone in seeking to resolve it.

After a short while it’s clear that the conversation is one sided. Only I am expressing my love and compassion for her whilst she simply types on her computer, face looking at the screen makes in a face of quiet disappointment. ‘I don’t want to sit here in silence’  she says . I then move on to do some housework.

The next day I sit closely with her and ask if we can talk, concerned that we are leaving something unresolved. She continues to remain silent and says ‘ she has nothing more to say’. She mentions some errands that need my attention and I attend to them. As I return I pick some flowers that remind me of her, I hand write a note expressing that I recognize  that I’ve been busy and how hurtful it must have been for her not to have me attentive when she needed me. She puts the flowers in the vase and simply asks what made me pick the specific flowers I did. I express that they remind me of our wedding. She remains silent but is outwardly in a joyful mood with the baby.

After this she is on her phone and at this point I’m tired and weary of the silence, it’s actually quite painful too to keep trying to connect … anyway her response is the same, she remains silent in the face of my desire to reconnect. All she suggests immediately after my heart declaration is that the dog needs a walk, I take the dog out and return later.

At this point I accept that she doesn’t want to interact with me, I take care of a task she had needed for some time. She asks me what I am doing as she can hear me work ( her tone is accusatory) I express that I’m doing a task she asked for earlier that week. Believing it’s a question of genuine curiosity I return the question back to her ‘ what are you up to?, ‘nothing…’ is her sharp and closed response as her head remains buried in her phone. She definitely sounds annoyed that I’m doing something…

And this is what gets me, I’m damned if I try to connect and I’m damned if I allow the distance. I’m trying to avoid the abandonment she expressed pain and concern over, but it also feels like she doesn’t want to make it better.

This evening after cooking dinner I was doing the dishes, she went up to bed and so I had a short moment to watch a film as I ate some leftovers, there was a scene In this film where a character lost in space to save the screw. I find myself tearing up and I don’t fully understand why….as I thought about it more deeply, I realized that what I’m feeling is loneliness. I’m alone and distant from my family and close friends. I’ve sacrificed my own sense of deep relationship to keep this ‘crew’ alive. I’m alone and it sucks. I can’t even imagine a spouse who will connect with me like a person. I know I’m not perfect but I don’t want to be perfect, I just want to be a person. Known and loved

the next evening I make an intentional effort to speak with her about what is upsetting her.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[PhoenixKnight]

A very familiar story for how my relationship was towards the end. I’m sorry you are going through these feelings, having felt them myself I know how painful they are.

Just know that you are doing all you can and be kind to yourself. This example you’ve given really struck a chord with me as it’s almost identical to the last week of my relationship. My final discard came after this. I remember feeling great relief, which lasted 2 months. I was mentally shot. If I were to do the week again, the one thing I think I could have done is just go and give her a huge hug, and playfully say something like ‘I can see you’re struggling at the minute, but you’re a good person, I love you and I’ve got you’. Then give her kiss on her head and give her space. I probably didn’t have it in me at the time, but my ex would sometimes respond well to stuff like that.

I don’t know what is currently triggering these emotions in your wife, but all you can do is try the way you are. It’s an incredibly confusing and lonely place at times being in these types of relationships.

[thankful person]

Sorry for the long post…..Everything feels like a game in my marriage to my BPD/wife. What is your experience

I also know only too well the “can’t win” “damned if you do and damned if you don’t”. One of my wife’s favourite expressions is “could have”. You “could have” offered me a coffee before you left. But if I do, it's” you just want to get everything done so you can get to work!!!” Ummmm yes. Correct. Like other people who have a job. Even now that I’m aware of how these games play out, I still sometimes struggle with them.

My experience has been different to Phoenix Knight. Things have been better the past few months, but for about a year after she birthed our third baby, it felt like the final discard every day. But she would always say she wanted me to leave and divorce her, but not make any other steps to end things. Also, the hug would be an impossible option here because, making things even more lonely, my wife would deny me affection because, “that’s what YOU want!!! Why should YOU get to be happy when I’M NOT!!!”

[Archery]

Hi Phoenix Night.

First of all thank you for seeing me and validating this as a real experience, I often feel stupid just for feeling…

You’re right, it’s so confusing. I’ve began to wonder who I am besides all of this. The moment i wake up it feels like my job is to make her happy. She will deny ever wanting this but I’ve learnt over time that it’s almost like I cannot be happy or content on my own. As if this would be some kind of cheating.  The book ‘ Stop Caretaking the Borderline’ calls this merging and I know this has happened to me.  Thank you for the advice, I don’t know your full story but if this resonates with you I’m sorry from my heart that you’ve had to go through something painful with someone you genuinely care about.  Did you ( or anyone else here) ever struggle with feeling like the bad person in all of this. It’s never the right time to express my emotions, it always feels evil whenever I challenge or share criticism. I then feel guilty for how I make her feel. I would love to know more, if you are able, about the final discard. Was this part of progressive separation from you. Would you describe this as stonewalling? A term I’ve come to learn recently.

[Archery]

Hello ‘thankful person’

I’m so sorry to hear of these discarding words l, they are not acceptable not be spoken to without thought of their impact . I feel like I receive a kind of partial discard or quiet discard. I don’t understand how shutting down and waiting for someone to ‘work for it’ can be conducive to any sort of human relationship …I know it can be part of so many mental conditions but at this rate I’m doing all the work to get back to her….but it’s painful.

[angry rant begins]

I wonder how she could just f****** sit there and ignore loving words or even reject affection. I have read many relational books that speak of the impact of reduction in affection that results from trying to ‘people please’ or ‘work for ‘ your partner. I know all too well that my mind is playing out a million scenarios and wanting to get through to just speak to her, this is unhelpful and untruthful on my part. My struggle is that my honesty - can be insensitive to her BPD pain. I try to listen to her positive appeals and stand independent of her negative assumptions. For example She expressed that her shut down  is from a place of pain and that it’s not fun for her either, it’s the quiet voice of reason that speaks through the flames of the burning building.

I want to help….but I also feel painfully stuck in a cycle of stonewalling and blame. As she throws herself over the edge of silence it is my arm that burns to keep her from going over the edge. If I let go and allow her responsibility to deal with her own feelings I am selfish and single handily destroying the marriage. The truth is , If I let go then I would breathe and continue with life still loving her but not painfully burning to keep communicating in a one sided ‘begging to be loved’ fashion. This isn’t mutually healthy and I no longer want to encourage or enable this pattern.

I’m also sorry to hear that physical affection has been associated with evil selfishness. There is a healthy and good sense of wanting something and to demoralise something natural and healthy is to turn you away from yourself. It means to teach you to ‘ not want anything just for you - this is bad’. I remember the rage early on in marriage for buying something without her permission and you know what it was?…a book….and you know what book….”discipline for Godly men’. Her rage was so confusing, ‘ you should not be turning to a book, you should be talking to me, I’ll help you!!!!, instead your spending money we don’t have (insert magnification here, etc etc) ’ .  So imagine a man trying to be a better man and the rage that it was not done in the desired form of relational governance.

[angry rant over]

So…my focus is learning healthy independence where my emotional state is  not so dependent on a merged sense of self. She can be upset, distant, angry, judgemental etc and I have the freedom as a living breathing conscious being to have an independent sense of reality….