Hi G2thafree and
Things sound pretty hot and cold for your relationship right now. I've heard of other members who experience intensifying BPD-type behaviors after taking a step towards intimacy -- so it isn't surprising to hear that after you moved in together, conflict increased.
Did you move in together when you got married 10 months ago, or before that?
I'm reading that you have two teenagers (already difficult, I know! My H has two teens); does he have any children?
My question: Do I wait patiently for him to get more therapy and see if he will start talking with us again or do I ask that he find a place to live until he gets his BPD managed better?
Fortunately, there might be a few options in the middle.
As weird as it sounds, even though you aren't the one with BPD behaviors, therapy and counseling just for you, individually, can make a difference, even if he never attends again.
Relationships are made up of two persons but also kind of have a life of their own -- like a third person. Each individual contributes to the relationship dynamic. I'm not saying the contributions are 50/50, but each contributes something to how the relationship goes.
What that means is that even if he never goes to therapy on his own, you going, on your own, and making changes on your own, can impact the relationship. It could be worth a try.
In fact, a lot of the tools and skills we teach and share here, are just for you, and don't require him to cooperate, agree, or participate, fortunately! They are 100% under your control, and as you learn and apply new approaches, you can decide if the relationship is becoming "livable enough" for you.
Take a look at our section on
Relationship Skills; I'd especially recommend the workshops on
Boundaries and Values and
Stop Invalidating Others for starters.
...
How old are your teenagers? How have they adjusted to your marriage so far?
